Pretending
by Heartsnflowers99
Summary: Ana Steele isn't very happy. Her parents don't support her with her choice to drop out of college to pursue a music career. On top of that, they hate all the boyfriends she's had. That's why when she gets a call from them she finds the first man they would be happy with. Christian Grey. Faking it isn't hard for them, but are they really just pretending? (AU&OOC)
1. Chapter 1

**Hi Guys! I know this is short but this is just a little idea of something I've been writing. Let me know if you want more!:)**

 **Sophie x**

Ana POV

I don't hate my parents, they are just overbearing at the best of times. They have a hard time accepting who I am and that's not what they want me to be, so you can imagine how fun being around them is. Also, ever since I hit eighteen they've been asking me about a boyfriend, and when I did introduce them to someone they've always hated him. I tend to go for those who aren't 'socially accepted' and I suppose in a way it's just to piss off my parents, but in all honesty rebellion turns me on. Conformity is boring, and I will never be what my parents want, I've accepted that. They on the other hand, have not. So you can imagine my surprise when I get a call from my mom as I walk down the street and into a nearby Starbucks with my new boyfriend Jose, a guy that makes all the others seem like clean and smart doctors or lawyers. Jose is about six foot three, and packed with muscle. He's got tattoos up and down his arms and across his chest, piercings all over his face and just general bad boy looks, which is what I go for. At twenty one, I don't want to settle down, flings have always been my preferred way to interact with the opposite sex. Jose and I have been together for three months, which is probably the longest fling I've had. As I sit down I answer and hold the phone to my ear. "Mom?"

"Anastasia Darling." I cringe at what she calls me. I hate my full name being used, it's just an awful reminder of everything that happened.

"Hi mom." I try my best to sound pleased when all I want to do is strangle myself with my bag strap.

"How are you sweetheart?" Just as I'm about to reply Jose chooses this moment to lean into my ear and ask what I want, and he's not quiet about it. "Darling, was that a boy?" I sigh and wave Jose off.

"Yes mom." There's a pause before my dad speaks up.

"Is he, your boy?" I roll my eyes.

"Yes, dad. He's my boyfriend. I'm with him at that coffee place I showed you when you helped me move in. We've been together for a few weeks." I say a few weeks because if they know it's actually reached months they'll expect an engagement within days.

"Well, is he nice? Or is he like the others?" I clench my teeth and stop myself from shouting at them.

"He's nice, not like the others." Just then Jose appears with my coffee and starts nipping and kissing my neck, making my head roll back. "He's very, talented." I close my eyes while I feel his hot breath on me.

"Well then, you wouldn't mind us meeting him would you?" I press my lips together in a hard line.

"I suppose not." _No freaking way._

"It's a good thing were nearly outside then isn't it?" My eyes snap open and I gasp.

"You what?" I sit up so fast that I knock my coffee and it spills all over Jose.

"Jesus Ana!" He grabs napkins and scrubs at the coffee stain.

"We're just walking down the street now. See you in a moment honey." She hangs up and I stand.

"You have to leave." I say, grabbing hold of him. He looks at me confused.

"What? Why?" I push him away as he holds my wrists.

"My parents are here." His eyebrows raise and he stops fighting me.

"Parents? Fuck no. See ya later babe." He grabs my ass and kisses me roughly before bolting out the front door. I sigh in relief and then panic rises in me as quickly as it left. I still need a boyfriend. A nice boyfriend. I look around the room trying to find a guy that looks good enough and then my eyes land on a guy. The perfect guy. He's gorgeous. Copper coloured hair and muscles trying to squeeze their way out of his tight fitting grey tshirt. As if he knew I was looking at him he looks up and I inhale sharply at the grey colour of his eyes. He looks equally as mesmerised as I do and I can't think why. So I march up to him and put my hands flat on the table.

"I need to ask you something, and it's going to sound crazy."


	2. Chapter 2

Christian POV

I have been sat in this coffee shop for about an hour, and I still haven't got anything written down. I'm supposed to be writing up this contract to buy out a company that's lost all its money but I can't seem to string a sentence together. My focus is even more distracted when the most beautiful woman I have ever seen walks in. She has long lilac hair that normally I wouldn't like but it looks gorgeous. She has a nose ring on her left nostril and a tattoo of a rose covering the inside of her right arm. She's wearing an orange camisole that's cropped so you can see the belly bar she's got, and extremely tight black skinny jeans. When she turns to the side I see what looks like a tree trunk on her left hip. I see small branches peeking out from her top in between her cleavage and I practically drool. She is unlike anyone else I've ever seen before, unlike anyone I've ever been attracted to, but something just draws me in. Unfortunately by her side is a huge guy covered in tattoos. I know I liked to fight back in high school but I knew who to fight, and he would definitely not be one of them. They both ooze confidence and when they sit down I see her answering her phone and waving him off. I see the v that forms on her forehead when she frowns at the person she's speaking to. When the guy gets back he's all over her. God I wish I could do that, I hate that guy. She suddenly sits up and spills her coffee all over him, I try to contain my laughter as he jumps up. He doesn't even pick it up or offer to buy her another one. Asshole. She stands and starts pushing him out, when she says something him he looks surprised then leaves, not before squeezing her ass and kissing her hard. Lucky bastard. She looks around panicked and when she turns towards me I look down, hoping she didn't catch me staring at her. I glance up in the hopes that she's looked past me but our eyes meet, and I feel my breath catch in my throat. Her eyes are the most beautiful shade of blue, unlike anything I've ever seen before. She's beautiful, beautiful full lips that are exaggerated with red lipstick, cheekbones any model would die for and the most beautiful blush as she stares back at me. She takes a deep breath and marches up to my table, placing her hands flat on the surface. She bends down enough for me to see her cleavage, enough for me to that she's wearing a black bra. I wonder if she's wearing a matching set? Nope, shut up. "I need to ask you something, and it's going to sound crazy." Her voice was soft and gentle, but with obvious confidence and sass behind it.

"Ok." She looks down and sighs.

"I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend so that my parents think he's a nice guy." I raise my eyebrows and lean back.

"What?" She looks up at me.

"It's only for ten minutes, I'll get them to leave as soon as possible and I'll pay you! I'll give you whatever you want?" She begs. I'd like to see you beg for other things too. Maybe if I just ask her.

"I'll do it." She starts thanking me when I interrupt her. "If, I can take you on a date." She thinks for a second, and that little v appears on her forehead again.

"Ok sure, whatever." She sits down beside me and fiddles with her nose ring until it comes out, she puts it in her pocket. "Give me your jacket." I pick it up and she puts it on, zipping it up so that it covers her stomach and her tattoo. "What's your name?" She says, looking at me intently.

"Christian." She holds out her hand and I take it.

"Ana." Just as she says her name it's called out again.

"Anastasia!" I look up and see a woman speeding through people followed by a man just behind her. We both stand and Ana takes a deep breath before putting on a fake smile. The woman speeds forward and gives Ana an awkward hug, then holds her shoulders. "Honestly Anastasia what have you done to your hair now? And isn't that lipstick a bit too bright?" Ana sighs and steps away, still smiling.

"Hi mom, dad. This is Christian, my boyfriend." It sounds good coming from her. Really good. They both smile at me and her mother is up to me before I could speak.

"It's a pleasure to me you Mrs-" I stop when I remember I don't know her last name. I look over at Ana who looks panicked and I turn back to her mother and laugh. "You know, Anastasia's told me so much about you I feel like I should just call you mom." Her mother chuckles and pulls me in for a tight hug.

"Oh my! Just call me Carla, dear." I nod and turn to her father, holding my hand out to him.

"It's also a pleasure to meet you sir. Anastasia talks very fondly of you both." I step back and put my arm around Ana's shoulder. She feels warm and when she leans into my touch it feels like my body is on fire. Her parents look at us and grin.

"Well, we should go and get our drinks shouldn't we?" Carla says, and they both walk up to the counter. Ana moves away from me and sits down, so I sit as well, putting my arm around the back of her chair.

"Good start. The last name's Steele by the way." I turn to face her.

"Thanks, mine's Grey. I've done a fair bit of acting in the past." She smiles and nods.

"So what do you do?"

"I've just set up my own business in mergers and acquisitions. I set it up about two years ago, it's getting pretty successful." She raises her eyebrows.

"God, my parents will love that. You're really young though, how did you start it two years ago?" She looks genuinely interested and I smile slightly.

"I dropped out of Harvard when I was twenty. I'm twenty two now. It was because-"

"-You went to Harvard?" She says, shocked. "And then you dropped out?" I nod. "What's wrong with you?" I laugh, and she smiles. I see her parents walking back to the table so I lean in and whisper in her ear.

"You'll learn why on our date." She tries to stop herself giggling but fails miserably then glares at me. I just flash her my best smile and her glare falters slightly. Her parents sit down and I grin at them both.

"You know Christian, you seem like an amazing person for Anastasia." I feel her physically cringe at the sound of her full name. I smile at Carla then look down at Ana.

"I think you've got that the wrong way round Mrs Steele." I could see Ana's urge to roll her eyes but she resists and instead places a soft kiss on my cheek. Her soft lips make me delirious and I wonder for a second what kissing her lips would be like. I haven't felt this way about a woman since- her. I didn't think I could. When I shake my head slightly and blink a few times, Ana is still looking up at me.

"Oh look at them. They can't keep their eyes off each other." Carla says and her dad smiles. I smile back at them and pull Ana closer to me, intoxicated by the warmth of her body next to mine.

"So why are you guys here?" Ana gets straight to the point.

"Well we thought since we haven't seen you in a while we should and do thanksgiving at your apartment." Her dad says.

"I just thought it was so I couldn't cancel this year." She says with a smile but there's a level of bitterness that doesn't go unheard by me. Her parents either ignore or didn't notice it, because they keep smiling. "Is Max going to be here?" Ana asks hopefully. Her mother looks at her disapprovingly.

"Mackenzie is unpacking at the hotel." She says, putting the emphasis on her name, obviously not liking the shortened name Ana gave her. "Andrew isn't going to be here unfortunately. He's having thanksgiving dinner with his wife." Her mother says to me. I nod.

"Who are Mackenzie and Andrew?" Her mother opens her mouth but Ana cuts in before she can.

"Max is my little sister, she's 16. Andrew is my older brother, he's 26 and he's got a wife." She says irritatedly. Her father tuts at her.

"Honestly Anastasia how many times? Her name is Mackenzie."

"She likes to be called Max." Ana scowls.

"Well it's silly arguing about things like this." Her mother cuts in. "We should get going and leave you two alone. I assume we'll see you tomorrow, Christian?" I open my mouth to politely decline but Ana beats me to it.

"Christian can't. He's busy." Her mom waves her hand.

"Oh nonsense. You'll come Christian?" I look at Ana then at her parents and nod.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world." Ana places her hand on my thigh and pinches it, making me jump.

"Great! We'll see you both tomorrow then. It was lovely meeting you Christian, we can't wait to see you tomorrow." She hugs me again as I stand up and I hug her back. They both say goodbye to Ana, giving her awkward half hugs, then they leave. She turns to me, glaring.

"What the hell was that?" She hisses at me. Her red lips pout as she frowns and I can't take my eyes off them.

"Well I couldn't say no to her could I? That would have been rude." She rolls her eyes.

"You're too perfect for your own good, golden boy." I smirk at her and she narrows her eyes. "Well, you're gonna have to come tomorrow. You're sure you're not busy?" I shrug. Mia's in Paris and Elliot will be god knows where with some girl. My mom and dad are in Barbados, we all bought them tickets because they haven't gone away in a long time, not that we needed to buy them, they're loaded.

"I have nothing better to do." Her eyes show pity for a split second before she turns and nods.

"Ok." She bends over and starts writing on my napkin. She then picks it up and puts it in the pocket of the jacket she's still wearing. "My address and phone number are on there. Call me if anything changes." I nod and she takes off the jacket, putting it on her chair and walking out the shop. I grab her arm before she leaves and she turns around.

"Do you not want another coffee? You didn't get to drink yours." She smirks at me before shaking her head.

"I'm good. Thanks though, golden boy. See you tomorrow." She turns back round again. "Oh, and if you call me Anastasia again, I'll make you infertile." She flashes me another smile before leaving again. I chuckle and get back to my table.

 **Hi guys! I thought that you would like another chapter for today:)**

 **Sophie x**


	3. Chapter 3

Later on in the evening I sit in my apartment when there's a knock at my door. I get up and open it, seeing Elliot, my older brother. Though sometimes I wonder whether he is older than me, he acts like a child most of the time. A drunk, immature man that fucks anything that moves. "Bro! We're getting you laid tonight!" I roll my eyes.

"Elliot." I say, rolling my eyes and walking back into the apartment.

"Come on! You've been wallowing around in your apartment for long enough. She's getting married Chris, you need to get over it." I turn to him and glare, feeling that familiar pain in my chest.

"Elliot. Not now. I'm not talking about her now." He holds his hands up in surrender.

"Ok, ok. Not now, I get it. But we are getting drunk tonight." I shrug and nod.

"If it'll get you off my back, then sure. But I can't be too late, I have work in the morning." I lie. I was having dinner with my fake girlfriend. He rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically.

"Dude, you own the fucking company! Even when you're at home you do work for fuck sake! You can afford to have one fucking day off." I nod and shoo him out the door, following him. "So we're gonna get you laid tonight. That's the deal." I roll my eyes.

"Elliot, I don't want to get laid." He scoffs and pats my back.

"Dude, how long ago was it that you had sex?"

"Elliot." I say, warning him.

"So it's been so long that you can't brag about it anymore. That's a problem."

"I don't need someone ok? Can we leave it please?" He shrugs and I try to change the subject. "Where are we going?" He grins.

"Ever heard of the Mile High Club?" I shake my head and he nods.

When we get into the club I can't help but wince at the smell of alcohol that surrounds the room. I see various go go dancers up on platforms while men gawk at them from the floor. I barely have time to look at anything before Elliot pulls me towards the bar. He orders eight shots of tequila and I brace myself before taking the first one. It burns and I feel it make its way down my body and into my stomach. It's cheap shit. If I owned this club I'd make sure everything was top quality that's for sure. We take the second one and by the fourth I've already got a buzz. He then hands me a beer and we start the night.

Ana POV

As I make my way to rehearsal I can't help but smile and shake my head at what just happened. I asked a stranger to pretend to be my boyfriend in front of my parents. Now he's coming over for thanksgiving tomorrow? Fuck, I can't believe I didn't find a way to get out of it. I usually do, that's why they were here, I know it. But something about the idea of Christian being there mad me kind of want to go. As I walk through the bar and into the studio where we rehearse I see Jose and Ethan, my best friend. I hug Ethan and he smirks at me. "How you been baby?" He says, leaning down and trying to kiss my neck. I smack him away and pull myself out of his grasp.

"Hey. That ship sailed a long time ago." I say, giggling. He walks forward and puts his hands on my hips.

"Ok, but I know you still wanna get into my pants." I laugh and push him away as Jose comes up behind me, turning me round.

"You ok?" I nod and he kisses me.

"Right. Lovebirds. Let's rehearse our set. Ana, what are we doing huh?" Ethan asks. I bite my lip and think.

"Ok. I wanna start with something upbeat then finish with a slow song. So we'll start with Electric love and I'll finish with Say You Love Me." He nods.

"Ok, so what are we doing in between?" I look at him and shrug.

"I dunno! You guys choose. I don't mind what we do." They both nod and we start rehearsing. I love singing. I've been doing it my whole life, my parents even let me get a guitar for my ninth birthday. Though they thought it was a phase, so they were very angry when ten years later I decided I wanted I drop out of college to pursue a singing career.

After practice I make my way to the Mile High Club where I work as a dancer there. I put my uniform on, well, it's not really a uniform, just a black lacy brassiere, tight black disco shorts and black stockings. I make my way up there and just let the music take me away. I dance as sexy as I can, making sure to catch the eyes of a few of the male bar goers, some female. I dance until I see the doors open and I look to see who it is. A tall blonde guy walks in and behind him I see dark hair and a muscular body.

It was Christian.

He looked good.

Too good.

He threw his head back and laughed at whatever the blonde guy said as they came in and it was like the whole room turned to look. He truly was the most gorgeous guy I'd ever seen, and seeing him smile like he was smiling now, made me realise how fake he'd been with my parents. It shouldn't have, but it made me feel disappointed. For a while we kept making eye contact and I could see how much he wanted me in his eyes, and I'm pretty sure I was giving him that same feeling. I was attracted to him. I couldn't help it, the way he had expertly weaved around my parents today was incredible.

I tried to keep my eyes off him but I couldn't so I just closed my eyes and let go.

I let go the whole of today, my parents, Christian, Jose, everything. I don't realise Justin, my boss, is calling me down because it's the end of my shift. I open my eyes and the first pair of eyes that meet mine are grey, I can tell even in this lighting that it's Christian. He's moved closer to me and his lips are parted as he continues to walk forward. I don't just feel lust anymore, my main emotion is fear. I quickly get down and walk towards the back exit. I get outside and see Ron the bouncer.

"How was your dance tonight Ana?" I shrug while he passes me a cigarette, which I shouldn't but take willingly. I smoke occasionally nowadays, but sometimes I just need one. I take it and he lights it for me. I take a long drag and I feel my whole body relax as I breathe out.

 **A/N - Hi guys! Hope you enjoy this and please keep the reviews coming!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	4. Chapter 4

Christian POV

As Elliot finds a blonde girl to stick his tongue down the throat of, I look around some more, still feeling that buzz from the tequila. I look at the dancers, they're all attractive, but none of them are really my type. Except for the one on the far right, I look closer and see the trunk of a tree, and various small branches going up her body. She turns her arms and runs them through her hair while rolling her body. She has those roses on her arm. It's Ana. God she looks sexy up there. She was, unearthly, beautiful and wonderful. The way she danced sent shivers up my spine, and whenever she made eye contact with me my blood pumped around my body ten times faster than it had before. She was a goddess, and I was definitely attracted to her. Judging by the looks she was giving me she's attracted to me too. She had dark eyeliner around her eyes that made the blue stand out even more. I had always thought of myself as a fairly rational person, that's why Elliot always says I'm boring. So surely I should have stopped myself before walking closer to her. She opens her eyes and spots me immediately. She gasps and gets down, quickly walking towards a nearby exit. I know I shouldn't have, but I followed her. I opened the door and she turned her head as she stood with a bouncer. "Hey, golden boy." She says, whilst smoke flows out of her plump red lips.

"Hey, Ana." She moves away from the bouncer and leans up against the wall, and I take the time to really look at what she's wearing. Her shorts barely contain her ass, I have no idea how she's pulled them up her body, but she looks sensational. Her shorts stop at her waist, and her black stockings disappear under them. She looks gorgeous.

"You stalking me now?" She asks, with an eyebrow quirked up.

"Only a little bit." She throws her head back and laughs, and my heart skips a beat. "I'm here with someone." Her eyes widen and I frown. "What is it?" She looks up and shakes her head.

"Nothing, I just realised something." She says almost disappointed.

"Realised what?" She sighs and looks into my eyes.

"You're a really good actor." I frown at her, confused.

"Yeah, well I told you I've acted before." She smiles sadly and puts her lips around her cigarette again.

"I just wish you would have told me." I narrow my eyes at her and she rolls her eyes. "About your someone? Your boyfriend?" I try and stop the belly laugh that comes out of me but I just can't, the bouncer even turns around and gives me a look.

"I'm not gay Ana, that guy is my brother." I say, chuckling. Her eyes widen again but this time in amusement and surprise.

"You don't have to make up stuff. It's ok if you are, I won't judge." She pats my shoulder and I grab her hand and hold it between us.

"Ana, I'm not gay." She raises her eyebrows and holds the other hand up.

"Ok, I get it. You like boobs." She says loudly, then she leans in and whispers in my ear. "But really golden boy, this is the twenty-first century. No one would care if you came out the closet."

Two thoughts ran through my mind at this point.

One - I could just yell at her for not believing me and being difficult.

Two - I could pin her up against the wall and show her how not gay I am.

With me hand still holding hers the other has found its way to her waist, her lips inches away from mine. I pull her closer to me and she gasps, and I can see in her eyes that she knows she's made a mistake, but that doesn't make me want to stop proving it to her. Then in one movement my hand is no longer holding hers but it's in her hair, making me crush her lips on mine. She gasps again and I slip my tongue into her mouth, she stills for a beat, then I feel her soft touch on my hip and I take this as encouragement to continue. I walk her backwards until her back hits the wall, her other hand holds my waist as well as the other, and her nails dig into my lower back, making me groan. I tried to kiss her full lips softly, but there was something desperate about my movements that I just let my desire take over, something I am definitely not used to. I use the hand in her hair to tug gently and move her head to the side so that I can kiss her better. Up until now she had been letting me kiss her, but now she seems to have come alive under my touch. Her tongue tangles with mine and she moves her hands round and up my chest, grabbing my shirt and pulling me closer, then she puts her hands in my hair and pulls my head closer to hers. Every part of our bodies were pressed together, but I wanted to be closer. The way her hips pushed forward into mine made me think she feels the same way. Her teeth grazed my bottom lip, and I pulled her hair so her head was tilted just enough for me to start kissing her neck. She let out a small whimper and then a giggle.

"Ok, point proven." Her voice was husky, and it made me laugh into her neck, making her quiver. I kissed and bit her neck and she moaned, arching her back so that her breasts were pressed firmly against me. Every time I did somethings liked, her hands would move lower and she would dig her nails in further. "We have to stop." She says breathlessly. Stopping was about as appealing as a kick to the balls at this point, but I did it. I raise my head from her neck and look into her dilated eyes, and I see either shock or fear dominating her face. Honestly that wasn't what I expected when I looked at her, so I stepped back and have her space. She looked at me for a moment then walked forward.

She slapped me.

The sound of it echoed in the empty alleyway and my mouth hung open. I had never been slapped before, and of course it had to be this fireball called Ana. It stung, and I held my hand to my cheek. Her eyes widened again and her hands went to her mouth.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that." She says, walking forward again. I instinctively step back, not wanting to feel the heat on both cheeks.

"It's ok. I deserved it." She has a boyfriend, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of her. But all I could think is how much I wanted my body back on hers. I couldn't think straight with how much I wanted her.

"I should go." I start to walk to the door when I hear the bouncer offer her another cigarette. I continue to walk inside.

You're not that guy Christian. You practically forced yourself on her.

Why the fuck would I do something like that? It wasn't me, I didn't do that. But there was something about her that made me lose all self control, and it terrifies me.

I left her with a further two thoughts.

One - I am bad at spontaneity.

Two - She kissed me back.

 **A/U - Hi guys! Hope you like this chapter, you all seem to be enjoying this story so thank you! I'm currently writing new chapters for my other Torres so they won't be long, I'll publish then sometime next week maybe earlier. Keep reviewing please!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	5. Chapter 5

Ana POV

I kissed him back.

I hadn't meant to kiss him back.

My lips burned, and I could tell that my lipstick was now either smudged or completely gone. I shouldn't have kissed him back, I should have pushed him away. But there was something about it that made me incapable of stopping it. It was gentle, but every time I thought about pulling away there would be something that stopped me. Like a pull of my hair, the pressure of his hips against mine, the grazing of teeth against lips.

The slap had been an overreaction, but I had such a rush of emotions that I couldn't help it.

I was with Jose. He was better suited to me, and I with him. I had to remember that.

"Should I go after that guy?" Ron suggests. "You're feelings are pretty unclear at the moment." Tell me about it. I shake my head and smile.

"No thanks Ron. We're just friends. We're both a bit drunk." Except I wasn't drunk, I was just stupid. And Christian was hot. Yes, blame it all on how hot he is.

"Ok. I'm going to take a leak. You want me to walk you in?" I shake my head and hold out my lit cigarette.

"I'll be there in a second. Thanks though Ron." He nods and pats my arm before walking inside. I stay out and kick the loose rocks around with my heel. Suddenly the metal door swings open and hits me in the shoulder, making me drop my second cigarette of the night.

"Don't worry baby, I got you." A tough hand curls around my waist and pulls me close. I turn and see a bald guy with tattoos. He reeks of alcohol. Usually he would be my type but something about his touch was not arousing or comfortable in the slightest.

"It's cool. I'm ok." I say, smiling slightly.

"I bet you are." He says, not letting me go. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and my blood started pumping round my body quicker. Whenever this panic hit me I was reminded of Kate's accident, and I couldn't shake it.

"Let me go." I say, pulling away. He jerks me to him, bending my wrist back. I feel pain there but I can't focus on that at the moment.

"Come on, we're just having a bit of fun." His words were slurred and it made me cringe as his breath hit my face.

"You're drunk and I'm not having fun so fucking let me go." I hiss at him. He just continues to pull me closer. I find my moment and press my heel into his foot, but I didn't have enough leverage to cause any damage. Then I let out a scream, hoping Ron was still close by. His hand closed around my mouth.

"Don't scream." He whispers. His whole hand covers my neck and his thumb presses into my windpipe. I tried to swallow but I couldn't. I choke and reach my hands up to try and claw his face. He was tall though and could lean away from me. The door swung open again and I tried to scream but it just came out as a gargled mess. My vision went blurry and I could see black dots. All of a sudden his hand was ripped away from me. Air rushed into my burning lungs and my vision went black, making me fall to the floor. When I next open my eyes I see Christian and my attacker pushing each other. Christian swings his fist and it hits the bald guy in the jaw. I climb to my feet and shake my head, making my head spin.

"Ana!" Christian grabs my arms and looks into my eyes, but I can't focus properly. Then he's pulled away from me by the bald guy. I look over and see my lit cigarette on the floor next to me. I pick it up when I hear more hitting. I stand up shakily.

"Hey asshole!" I shout, bald guy turns around and I push the cigarette into his neck. I hear sizzling flesh and his whole body convulses as he tries to get away from me.

"You fucking bitch!" He shoves me and I can feel myself fly through the air. I curve my back so that my head doesn't hit the concrete, when I hit the floor I can feel the skin on my back being ripped apart. I wince in pain but then I see blood dripping from Christian's mouth and that brings me back into focus. They punch each other constantly and I see more cuts bleeding on Christian's face. The door suddenly opens and Ron runs out, his gaze shifting between the men and me.

"Ron get him!" I shout and he grabs Christian, shaking him. "No! The other guy!" He lets go of Christian and picks up the bald guy on the floor. I move quickly over to Christian and he examines my face, when he sees there are no cuts he touches my cheek and smiles weakly.

"Impressive, golden boy." I say and he chuckles then coughs and groans, making him waver on his feet. I hook my arm around his middle and pull him close to me. "Let's go and get you cleaned up." He nods. I can't help but be distracted by the warmth of his body against mine. His grey eyes meet mine and his gaze is so intense I can't look away.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, leaning his forehead against my temple. It was a sweet gesture and oddly familiar.

I held him tighter and said, "What could you possibly be sorry for?"

"For getting blood on you."

I laughed. "Only you would apologise for that, golden boy." He shook his head and I felt his soft hair move against my forehead.

"I meant I was sorry for kissing you." I look up and with his forehead pressed against mine all I could see was him. It was just us, and as I looked at him my heart felt like it did when I sung. Like I was flying but falling at the same time.

Without a second thought I blurted out, "Don't be. I'm not."

 **A/N - Hi guys! Here's another chapter for you! I'm nearly done with my other story updates so they'll be on here soon. Keep reviewing!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	6. Chapter 6

Christian POV

Ana lead me into the bar, and it was about five seconds before Elliot was at my side with his mouth wide open. "Holy shit man! What the fuck did you do?" His eyes then move to Ana and his mouth opens once again, his eyes travelling down her body.

"Christian you wanna get this guy to stop ogling me before his drink gets thrown over him." Elliot's eyes widen and I laugh.

"Elliot, this is Anastasia." That's for calling me golden boy. She glares at me.

"You looking for another fight tonight?" I shrug and smirk at her, she presses her lips together in a glare but a smile soon appears on her face. Elliot looks between us and grins.

"So you are getting la-"

"-Elliot!" I shout, causing Ana to frown.

"What was he about to say?"

"Nothing, he's drunk." I on the other hand, had completely sobered up. All I wanted to do was go home and take a shower, then forget everything that happened tonight. I tried to hide my disappointment when I remove my arm from a round Ana's shoulder. "Thanks Ana, I'm good now." I start to stumble towards the exit but Ana pulls me back.

"Where do you think you're going?" She says sternly. I turn and see her hands on her hips as she glares at me.

"I was going to go home and clean myself up." I say, Elliot steps in.

"Dude, you live twenty minutes away and your face is leaking. You need to get cleaned up here." Ana steps forward and holds my chin.

"I'm going to get the first aid kit. You better be here when I get back." She turns around and walks away. Elliot whistles as we both watch her hips sway with each step.

"Shit Christian, I didn't know you liked the feisty ones!"

I didn't know if I liked the feisty ones, but I definitely liked her.

When Ana returned we went to the bathroom. The cue was intolerable and none of them seemed to care I was bleeding.

"Well, the first aid kit is basically empty anyway." I just shake my head and push myself off the wall, swaying slightly as I get a little dizzy. Ana and Elliot both take hold of my arms and I pull away gently.

"I'm ok guys, really. I'll just get a cab." That was a lie, I didn't have my wallet on me. Elliot paid for all our drinks, he insisted.

Ana scoffs. "Yeah, good luck finding a cab in this neighbourhood." I look at her and sigh.

"Ok. Then I'll get myself home somehow. It's fine, I'll just splash some water on my face and go to bed." Ana bites her bottom lip, making me go all light headed, and not from my injuries. She places her hand on my chest and smiles slightly.

"Come to my place. It's only a couple of blocks from here."

I didn't have to see Elliot to know he was grinning when he said, "That sounds like a great idea!" I place my hand on top of Ana's and look at her.

"Ana, I'm fine, really." She moves closer and lowers her voice when she next speaks. She's obviously not used to people saying no to her.

"Look, golden boy. I'm trying this new thing where I'm not an asshole all the time, so when a guy gets his ass kicked for me I have to do something kind in return. It doesn't come easy to me, so help me out."

We had only known each other one day and she had already picked up on the fact that I find it hard to say no to people, especially those who need my help.

"Ok, fine." She smiles and there's this awkward moment where we've both agreed but neither of us has moved. Ana clears her throat and steps back, taking her hand away. She went to get her coat and spoke to her boss about leaving. When she returned I said goodbye to Elliot and tried to ignore the huge grin on his face as we left. The bouncer and Ana's attacker were gone by the time we got back outside which was good because I don't know what I'd do if I saw him again. I kept picturing her face, terrified and pale, his hands around her throat, watching her slowly slip into unconsciousness. Just the memory gave me the urge to fight him again.

Ana links her arm with mine and looks up at me. "You ok?" I nodded and we kept walking. I didn't need her for balance anymore but I wasn't going to deny the chance to touch her. It felt natural, like I should have been doing this my whole life. I look over to Ana and see a glazed look in her eyes, knowing she must be replaying what happened in her head.

"So you write music?" She nods, keeping her gaze fixed on the sidewalk. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her it was going to be alright, but I know that wasn't her style.

So I settled for distracting her.

"I used to sing a lot. I don't want to be a musician, but it helped me organise my thoughts sometimes." We walked around a corner and even though her head was still down I could see a small smile on her lips.

"Will you sing me something?"

"Not a chance."

"Oh come on!" She loops her other arm around my arm and sticks out her bottom lip. I seriously contemplate saying yes but I know that would open way too many doors for me.

Tonight was about trying to forget about Elena, and it was going remarkably well. Singing a song that reminded me of her would not help the situation.

"Maybe another time."

"I'm going to get it out of you." At this point I had no doubt that if anyone could, it would be Anastasia Steele. We walk passed a closed liquor store and approach a glass door with buzzers at the side. She opens it without a key and I frown.

"No lock?" She shakes her head as we walk up the stairs.

"The landlord said he would fix it but he hasn't. It's been broken for weeks."

"I could fix it for you. I'm quite good with DIY." She turns her hand to me for a moment and smiles.

"Is there nothing you can't do golden boy?" There was one thing I could think of. I seemed incapable of finding a girl who wasn't taken.

We walked up two flights of stairs and down a hallway to the last door on the left.

Ana took a key out and before opening the door she turns to me.

"Ok. Um, my apartment isn't fancy, it doesn't have many things in it. But it's home so-"

"-Ana just open the door." I say, smiling. She smiles back and unlocks it.

It's dark and she tells me to wait while she turns the lights on. When she does I see the apartment she described. There are a few pieces of furniture. A sofa, a chair and coffee table, a bookcase, but no pictures or little items to decorate.

"How long have you lived here?" She turns to me and shrugs.

"About two years. I dropped out of college at nineteen so that's why I moved here." She smiles slightly and I nod. If she's lived here for two years then why does the apartment look like she's ready to move? The only personal thing I can see is the guitar case stood up against a wall. "I'll go and get some bandages and stuff." She goes to shrug off her coat then takes a sharp breath and squeezes her eyes shut.

"What's wrong?" She shakes her head and breathes out. I leap up and she turns around, holding her arms out like she wants me to take her coat off. I hold the collar and pull gently but she whimpers and flinches away from me. I look and see the lining of her coat is stained with blood. "Jesus Ana why didn't you tell me?" She shakes her head.

"I didn't think it was that bad." I sigh and hold the collar of her coat.

"Try and get your arms out." She very slowly starts to get each arm out slowly, wincing and whimpering as she does. I make her lie on her front on the sofa and she exhales deeply.

"Just rip it off Christian." I brush and stray hair out of her face and smirk.

"As much as I love the idea of ripping off your clothes, I better not." She couldn't stop the girlish giggle that came out her mouth, then she stopped and glared at me for making her laugh.

"Your loss dude."

It most certainly was.

"Hang on a second."

Her kitchen was as small as the living room. I started opening cabinets, looking for a bowl.

"You know you could just ask and I'll tell you where to look."

"It's more fun this way. Who knows what I'll find."

I found a large plastic bowl, and took it out. I turned on the tap and wait for it to get warm. I heard her chuckle, and then groan on the other side of the couch.

"I hate to break it to you, but you won't find any dirty little secrets in there. Expired milk, maybe, but that's about it."

I filled up the bowl and found a cloth in a drawer by the sink. I walked back over to her and knelt down.

"Where might I find some of these dirty little secrets, then?"

She smiled. "I'm taking those with me to the grave. Sorry, golden boy."

I folded down the top part of the jacket, making her flinch.

"Sorry."

"It's okay." She whispered.

It didn't sound okay. I dipped the cloth in the warm water and wrung it out.

"Tell you what, I'll sing to you if you tell me one of your dirty secrets."

I squeezed a little bit of water at the area where her skin met the lining of her coat, and started gently pulling it back.

"Deal." She said and then swallowed a groan. I added more water, wiping the skin as carefully as I could. The more I saw of her back the angrier I became. Her skin was already purpling in places, and I felt each scratch as if it was on my own skin. I inhaled sharply, I couldn't see straight through my rage, and I wanted to go straight back to the bar and find that guy. He wasn't bleeding nearly enough.

I squeezed the washcloth in my fist. "Let's hear a secret then."

We both needed the distraction.

She took a deep breath. "I was a cheerleader in high school."


	7. Chapter 7

Ana POV

"You were a what?"

I always enjoyed shocking people with that, and it helped to distract a little bit from everything.

"You heard me, golden boy. I was a cheerleader."

His hands paused in pulling the jacket from my back, and I was thankful for the relief in pain I got.

"I'm trying to picture it." He shakes his head. "But I just-" He trails off and I chuckle.

"What? Can't imagine me in a cheer skirt?"

"No, that's an image that I can picture all too easily."

"Of course you can. Men." I rolled my eyes, but I didn't mind so much. There was something empowering about knowing that I could attract a guy like him. Even if he had no idea the crazy he was getting himself into.

"But seriously. A cheerleader?"

That seemed like a lifetime ago. A different me.

I hated thinking about the past. Every time I did, I couldn't escape the inevitability of reliving what happened four years ago. I couldn't explain why, but the words flowed with him. "I spent a long time pretending to be something I wasn't."

He started pulling at the material again, and I could feel the stretch of my skin followed by the trickle of fresh blood. He wiped the cloth over the cut softly, but my skin was so sensitive. I tried my hardest to keep from flinching when he touched me, but I failed a few times.

"Still, at least you stopped pretending."

Had I? I'm not so sure. It always seemed like I had just traded one kind of pretending for another.

I needed to steer away from this conversation or I would lose it. "Your turn then golden boy, sing for me."

He takes a deep breath and dips the cloth in the bowl, the water has started going a pinkish colour now. He rings it out and once again I feel his gentle touch while he begins to sing. His voice is soft and quiet, but I can hear it perfectly in the silent apartment.

Here we are

On Earth together

It's you and I

God has made us fall in love it's true

I've really found someone like you

As he sings he grazes a knuckle across my back and I shiver, but not from the cold. He took his hands away and placed the cloth in the bowl, beginning his cleaning once again. "That's all I get?"

"Believe me, as interesting as your cheerleading story was, I'm going to need a bit more to completely bare my soul." I could hear him smile behind me. Bastard.

"I haven't got anymore to tell you."

"I think the word dirty came into conversation?" I smile and shake my head.

It was weird how scared I was of telling him about myself. Usually I couldn't care less about what people think, but with Christian it was different.

"My first kiss was with my babysitters son. I was five and he was seven. He kissed me then pulled my hair." He chuckles and starts wiping again.

"We both have different definitions of dirty." I smirk.

"To this day, nothing turns me on more than when guys pull my hair." His hand stills and he goes silent. I try not to turn and see his facial expression, it must have been priceless.

He cleared his throat and stood. "Bandages?"

"Bathroom cabinet. End of the hall." I bit my lip, because this was harmless, but also because I couldn't help myself. I liked making him want me. Nothing would happen, I just enjoyed the thrill of it. Jose flirts with other girls all the time so it's ok, plus after tomorrow Christian is out of my life.

He took a few minutes to return and by then I had convinced myself that us being alone together was ok, that our kiss meant nothing. That the huge goofy grin on my face was no big deal. From what I'd been through tonight, I deserved to relax.

It was harmless.

"I found some tape and bandages. I thought that would be better than individual plasters considering there's so many of them. The good news is none of them are deep, there's just a lot of them." I chuckle.

"Thanks Dr Grey." He stills and I look up. His face looks almost depressed. "Are you ok?" He snaps out of it and smiles at me, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He sits down and I turn my head slightly. "What was that about?" He looks at me and shrugs.

"My mom is a doctor. We're not on the best of terms at the moment." I turn my head back round.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He breathes deeply.

"It's ok. You didn't know. And it's not so much my mom as it is my dad. We're definitely not on good terms at the moment." I nod, not wanting to say anything else. I try to distract him.

"So golden boy, where's my song?" He chuckles behind me. "Come on, it's only fair. I'm in pain." I turn my head and give him my best pout.

He knelt beside me and I could see out of the corner of my eye the way his copper hair fell slightly over his face, and the small amount of stubble that made him look older than he was. He was gorgeous, and as my eyes met his beautiful greys, I closed my eyes and relaxed into the sofa.

"Ana, about that. I don't know if I-"

"-Oh come on Christian. A deal's a deal."

He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. "You're dangerous." He looked down at me and I winked at him, making him chuckle again.

"You should probably start from the beginning, so that I can get the full effect."

It took him a while to start but when he did, I sighed contently at the rich and resonant sound.

Here we are

On Earth together

It's you and I

God has made us fall in love it's true

I've really found someone like you

He stops again and I think he's going to stop there again but he pitches his voice higher and I actually hold my breath.

Will it save

The love you feel for me

Will you say

That you will be by my side to see me through

Until my life is through

Well in my mind we can conquer the world

In love

You and I

You and I

You and I

He gets louder and I close my eyes as I listen to the sound of his voice. It's taking all my self control my to arch into his touch as he tentatively places the bandages on my back whilst singing.

I am glad

At least in my life

I've found someone

That may not be here forever

To see me through

But I found my strength in you

Cause I'm my mind

You will stay here always

In love

You and I

You and I

You and I

He draws out each note until he gets so high that tears spring in my eyes. My body becomes riddled with goosebumps as he traces my spine with his finger as he sings.

We can conquer the world

In love

You and I

You and I

You and I

He finishes and I exhale slowly, wiping my tears away from my face, hoping he doesn't notice. It was as though I was being held down by the words of that song. He wasn't singing it for me, we had only met that day, but I felt the emotion behind that, I knew exactly what it was. It was heartbreak. On his final note I knew I couldn't pretend I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I wanted him. Badly.

 **Hi guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I'm hoping to update all my stories quite close to each other, so expect the next one within the next couple of days:) (The song Christian sings is 'You and I' by Michael Buble if anyone wanted to know)**

 **Sophie x**


	8. Chapter 8

Christian POV

I was definitely pushing my luck, touching her like this. My hand was resting just above the curve of her ass and I swear she arched her hips into my touch.

My voice was low and husky when I said, "All done."

I stood and began to leave when she sat up. "Wait. Let me do you."

I tried to keep a straight face, I really did. But no man can hear that phrase and not react. Ana rolls her eyes. "Your head, golden boy. The one that's supposed to do the thinking."

God, she was so different from Elena. I could see this going much differently if it was her and I in this position.

Ana was confident. Unafraid. She was so comfortable with herself.

And it was sexy as fuck.

"Let me get a new cloth." She picks up the cloth and water and walks into the kitchen with them.

I hadn't wanted her to hear me sing, purely because I thought it would bring back memories of Elena, but it didn't. All I could think about was Ana, and that was a totally different problem to the one I had now.

I kept my eyes forward when she returned purely because I couldn't trust myself not to touch her again. She lifted her other leg up onto the sofa and as it brushed my thigh I felt like grabbing her other leg and pulling her onto my lap.

I searched for something, anything, to distract me, but there was nothing in the apartment to look at. There was only her and the electricity between us.

Her fingers touched my chin, and she turned my face towards her. She was staring at a cut on my forehead, so I had a few seconds to study her without getting caught. Her cheeks were flushed, probably from the pain, and her lips pulled down into a frown as she looked at my injury. And her eyes were the kind of light blue that you only see on sunny days on the beach.

"I should have taken care of you first. You're still bleeding." I was? It didn't even hurt anymore. There were too many other things on my mind.

Her fingers shifted on my chin, brushing across the stubble that I hadn't bothered to shave this morning. Her eyes met mine for a second before she pulled away and began dipping the washcloth in the water.

I watched her small hands as they wrung out the rag, and then folded it into a small rectangle. She slid even closer when she turned back to me, so that her knee was almost resting on top of my leg. I was already facing her, but her hand found my jaw anyway. She cleaned the area around the wound first, and then started dabbing at the cut just along my hairline.

She used the hand on my jaw to tilt my head down slightly to give her a better look. It pointed my eyes straight to her collarbone, which had been the last place I'd kissed her.

I was dying to pick up again where I left off.

That must not have been enough to give her a good look because she moved, and rose up on her knees next to me. Her chest was level with my gaze, and her body swayed toward mine.

I closed my eyes and thought about multiplication tables and business deals. Her breath swept across my forehead, and I could feel the warmth of her skin only inches away from mine. She stopped dabbing and just pressed the cloth to my forehead, probably to stop the bleeding.

Her voice was low when she said, "You sung that song for a girl?"

"Is this you implying that I'm gay again?"

She laughed, and I wanted to sweep her into my arms, lay her down on this couch, and map out every bit of her skin with my mouth. I wanted to taste every tattoo, and know what they meant to her. I wanted to understand who she was behind her guarded personality.

"No, I just mean, was she a girlfriend?"

I nodded and looked down. "She was. But she found someone else, someone who was better than me."

"So you gave up?"

This was not what I wanted to talk about, but I guess if it kept my mind off of kissing her, it worked.

"There was no point." I said. "I couldn't compete."

"Bullshit." She pressed down a little harder, and pulled my face closer to hers. "You're golden boy. You're probably good at everything, I can tell you're one of those annoying people. You're sweet, gorgeous, you probably stop to help little old ladies cross the street and you're rich. If you can't compete, the rest of us are completely fucked."

I smiled. Hearing her say I was gorgeous felt so much better than it should have.

"The other guy is British."

She threw her head back and laughed, and I tried to memorise the sound.

"Yeah, you had no chance, golden boy."

It felt good to be able to laugh about this with someone. I hadn't even been able to do that with Elliot or Mia. This morning losing Elena had felt like this huge weight on my shoulders, but now if felt like what it was supposed to be, the past.

She was still smiling when she lifted the cloth from my forehead.

She leaned forward to inspect and said, "Looks good."

Then she sat back and the hand that was on my face dropped to my thigh. She used it to brace herself as she reached for the bandages. Sweet Jesus.

I searched for something, anything to say. "It's been an, interesting day."

Considering I'd only met her this morning, and I had already fallen head over heels for her I'd say the day had been pretty interesting.

"Tomorrow will make today look like a breeze." She said.

She cut a piece of bandage and raised back up on her knees to place it on my head.

"Why do you hate the holidays so much? Do your parents go way overboard?"

She pressed tape to the edges of the bandage and started smoothing it down, and her other hand rested on my shoulder.

"It's hard to explain."

"I think I can keep up."

She reached for the rag again and started cleaning more blood off my face. With her eyes focused on my face she said, "The holidays bring up bad memories for us. My parents think if they pretend enough and have enough decorations and food that they won't think so much about the things they don't have."

"And that doesn't work for you?"

Her eyes met mine for a few seconds.

"Nothing works for me. But music."

I brought my hand up and placed it over hers that rested on my shoulder

"I'm sorry."

She looked down at me, and she frowned. "Normally, I hate it when people say that, but..."

The damp rag skimmed across my cheek to the cut on my mouth. Her eyes were dark, and her lips parted. She dabbed at the cut carefully.

Slowly, so slowly that it felt like a dream, her hand turned so that the back of her knuckles moved across my lips. Her eyes were open and clear. We were both sober by now. One of my hands found her hip, and her chest brushed against my shoulder as she leaned over me.

I could feel her breath on my lips, and her eyes were dilated with desire. She bit her lip, and I held in a groan. Her eyes dropped to my lips, and the rag dropped to the floor.

Then her phone rang.

She jumped back so quickly that she was across the room before I'd released the breath that I didn't know I was holding.

She picked up her phone, and her expression was bleak as she said, "It's my boyfriend."

I swallowed, but my mouth still felt as dry as the desert.

As much as I was disappointed with the distraction, I was grateful for it. I didn't want to turn her into a cheater. Kissing her earlier had been bad enough.

"I should be going anyway."

I moved to the door as quickly as possible, but before I could open it she called my name. "Christian!" I pulled the door open wide, and looked back at her. She held the phone in her hand, ready to answer. She said, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not." Reflecting her words earlier. She smirked and took a small step forward, and I turned. "I'll see you in the morning."

Ana POV

This was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

I answered and said, "Hi, babe." The sound on his end was garbled and booming. He must have been in some kind of club because the music was blasting. "Jose?"

"Ana banana!"

He was drunk.

"We've talked about this, Jose. There are funny nicknames, and there are awful ones. That one is the latter."

"Ana, come meet me at Pure."

Shit, if he was at that place then he was probably popping pills rather than downing beer.

"I can't, Jose."

"Yes, you can. Christ, Ana, this shit is awesome. You have to come try it."

Just as I thought. I wasn't judging him. I'd done too many fucked up things over the years to do that, but I didn't have room for that kind of stuff in my life. If I dealt with my pain that way, there would be no reason to put it into my music instead, and then I'd be left with nothing.

"Listen, Jose, I had a really rough day at work."

"I'll take your mind off of it." His voice was irritating and slurred. His voice normally made me weak in the knees. Not tonight. I wasn't up for any kind of solution he had to offer.

"No, Jose. I'm just going to go to sleep."

"Fuck, Ana. First, you bail on me this morning-"

"-My parents are in town, and you bailed on me."

He didn't even listen to me, he just kept talking. "Now, you won't even come out when I won't see you at all tomorrow."

I couldn't deal with this right now. It took all of my self control not to just hang up the phone.

"I can't, okay? We'll talk when you're sober. Good night."

I clicked the phone off and flung myself down onto the couch. I pressed my heated cheek into the cold leather of the couch. There were so many thoughts running through my head, thoughts about Jose and Christian. But it had been a long day, and tomorrow would be even worse. I wasn't stupid enough to let myself make a decision in the heat of the moment. Even if I could still feel Christian's hands on my back, and his face beneath my fingertips when I closed my eyes.

Clusterfuck. Definitely.

All I wanted to do was take a shower, but then I'd mess up the bandages on my back. Instead, I took off my clothes and fell into bed and oblivion.

He tugged on my hair, and I felt the pull run down my spine all the way to my toes. He pulled my head back, and his lips came down on my neck. He kissed and sucked my neck and then his teeth grazed my collarbone.

I moaned embarrassingly loud and he rewarded me with another nip of his teeth.

I burrowed my hands underneath his shirt, and dug my fingers into his lower back. His hips pressed forward into mine, and I could feel his muscles flexing beneath my palms.

He left my collarbone, and his tongue moved down to my chest. It dragged across one of the branches on my tattoo, and I felt like my whole body was on fire. His stubble scratched against my sensitive skin, and my legs went weak.

"Please." I begged.

"We shouldn't." He whispered.

I pulled his mouth back to mine, determined to convince him. I wrapped an arm around his neck, and a leg around his hips, and pulled him into me. He steadied himself with one hand against the wall, and the other on my ass.

"Yes." I moaned between kisses.

His kiss was intoxicating. Slow and fast. Soft and hard. I melted into him, happy to follow his lead.

He pulled back again. "You're sure?"

Dear God, yes!

I nodded, and he spun me from the wall onto a bed. His hands ran up my legs, giving me goose bumps and making me squirm. His fingers hooked around the fabric of my panties and pulled them down gently. My shirt was already gone. He pressed his hips into mine, and my eyes rolled back in my head. Then the whole world rolled, and I was straddling his hips. His messy copper hair looked so good against my pillow, and his grey eyes were so dark they were nearly black.

He slipped his hands under my skirt, grabbed my thighs and said, "Ride me."

I threw my head back and groaned.

"Ana."

"Oh God." I whimpered.

His hands traced my jaw, then held my face hard.

"Ana, are you okay?"

God, yes.

I was so far beyond okay that I couldn't even string together a sentence.

Hands gripped my shoulders, and the world spun. I opened my eyes, and I was no longer on top. Christian was hovering above me, too far away. I reached a hand out toward his jaw.

That was weird. His stubble was gone. He'd shaved.

I hooked my hand around his neck, and pulled him closer.

He pulled away, only for a second, but it was enough to make me pause. I blinked. My mouth was dry, and my head felt foggy.

His eyes were on my lips, and his expression pained. "Ana..."

He pulled away from me, but I kept my hand wrapped around his neck. His movement pulled me up into a sitting position.

He looked at me, and his eyes went dark. He exhaled sharply. "Oh fuck me."

That was the plan, but his voice sounded strained, not seductive.

He averted his eyes to the ceiling, and removed my hand from the back of his neck. I pulled my hand free, and let it run down his chest.

He grabbed my wrist and looked wary. "Golden boy nickname aside, I'm not a saint, Ana."

His body was stiff next to mine. I rubbed at my eyes, and slowly I began to regain focus. I was in my bed. In my apartment. Light filtered in through the window, and Christian was sitting on my bed, fully clothed, staring at the wall.

Oh holy Hell, I was dreaming. I'd just put the moves on him in my sleep! I covered my mouth with my hand and racked my brain to try to remember if I'd said anything that would give me away.

When the shock wore off, I let my hand drop to my chest, where my fingertips touched bare skin.

I looked down and had to resist the urge to scream.

I WAS NAKED.

Like, give him a look at my full tree tattoo, naked.

Like, curl into the fetal position and die of mortification, naked.

I pulled the covers from my waist up to my chin. Beside me, Christian let out a long breath, and his shoulders relaxed.

As calmly as possible I asked, "What is going on?"

Inside, I was anything but calm. Only a sheet and a few measly articles of clothing on his part separated me from him, and my mind was still fogged with dream-induced lust. And to be honest, I was a little offended that he managed to look away.

A small, crazy part of me wanted to drop the sheet again and see how long his resolve could last. Christian pushed himself to his feet, and moved all the way across the room.

He said, "I knocked, but you didn't answer. I was outside, and I heard you groan. It sounded like you were hurt or sick." He looked back at me, and now I knew how he'd managed to look away from me, guilt. He hadn't even done anything wrong! I was the one having wet dreams about him, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty. He said, "I swear, the door was unlocked, so I came in to check on you. I swear, I wasn't trying anything. I'm sorry."

I wondered if I dropped the sheet now if he would try something. My body was wound so tight, I felt like I'd been dangling off the edge of a cliff for hours. And I wanted him to try something. I shook my head. I was so turned on that just the brush of the sheets against my chest made my breath catch in my throat.

No. Bad Ana. You're with Jose. Focus.

I must have forgotten to set my alarm before I went to bed.

The alarm had been important, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember the reason. I looked at Christian, and his eyes shifted on the sheet in my hands held in front of my chest. A chill ran down my back, raising goose bumps. I shifted and may have turned my bare back toward him slightly. I saw his eyes go to the curve of my spine, and he breathed out heavily.

The devil made me do it.

And by devil, I mean my uterus.

He took a step toward me, and I smiled hopefully for a few seconds.

Then I remembered why my alarm had been so important, and why he was even here.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving plus my parents and Max.

Thanksgiving plus my parents and Max plus me naked in a room with Christian.

That equaled another clusterfuck. My seduction plan forgotten, I slid off the bed, careful to keep the sheet wrapped around my body. "Shit. What time is it?"

He pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Almost nine."

SHIT.

Right on cue, the buzzer on my apartment rang. I heard my mother call through the door. "Anastasia, sweetie!"

And then, because I was the dumbass who couldn't remember to lock her apartment, I heard the door swing open, followed by another "Sweetie?"

It was like one of those God-awful zombie movies, where you can hear them coming and you have nowhere to go. You just have to make peace with getting your brain eaten.

Mom was the zombie, and if she walked in here to find me naked with a boy, even a golden boy, both our brains would end up barbecued.

"Um, just a second, Mom!"

Shit. I went to run my hands through my hair, but forgot I was holding a sheet, which then slipped.

Christian made a noise in the back of his throat, and turned away. My hormone-riddled body really liked that sound, but this was not the time!

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I must have uttered at least one of those out loud because Christian said, "It's okay. I'll go out and talk with them while you get ready."

"You don't understand! If you come out of my room, and then I go take a shower, my parents are going to assume you and I are sleeping together."

"So don't take a shower. You look beautiful just how you are."

His eyes glanced down to take in my sheet, and he didn't even look sorry. Where had all that guilt gone?

Down girl. Still not the time.

"I smell like smoke and alcohol and sweat, which is just as bad. Plus, bed head looks just like sex hair."

He stepped up and rested his hands on my shoulders. It was meant to be reassuring, but it was bare skin on bare skin, which didn't relax me at all. As twisted as it was, something about this whole situation still had me turned on. A small part of me liked that we could get caught, even if there wasn't really a "we" and no actual sex had been had, no matter how hard I'd hoped.

"I'll tell them the truth." He said. "You overslept. I just got here."

"Yeah. Like they'll believe that."

His thumbs stroked my shoulders softly, and my body almost convulsed.

"I'll make them believe. I promise."

He stepped away like he hadn't just caressed my bare skin, and I wasn't naked beneath my sheet. His expression was calm and unreadable. It was like he wasn't affected at all.

Were some men of a different species? Did they have different DNA that enabled them to be so much better than other guys?

I resisted the urge to drop my sheet again just to get a reaction out of him. I closed my eyes, and nodded. I kept my eyes closed as he slipped out of the room so that I wouldn't do something stupid. I stood there, frozen and turned on, even after I heard him greet my parents.

It was going to be a long day.

 **Hi guys! It's been a while so I thought I'd give you a longer chapter:) let me know what you think, reviews are always welcome:)**

 **Sophie x**


	9. Chapter 9

Christian POV

For the second time in this apartment, I had a very awkward problem at a very inappropriate time.

If given the choice between facing Ana's parents like this and jumping into an active volcano, I would have to make a serious pros and cons list.

I took a few seconds to focus, even though I knew a few seconds would never be enough to get the sight of Ana out of my head. She was beautiful, and my self-control was a thin line at the moment. Even now, I was fighting the urge to go back in there and kiss her, which was not helping me fight the other problem I had going on.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, adjusted myself as best I could, and walked down the hall into the living room.

Please God don't let Ana's mother try to hug me.

Ana's mother gave a shrill squeal when she saw me. "Christian! I didn't know you were here."

She was wrestling a turkey out of a cooler, and left it to come toward me for what I could only assume was a hug.

I moved like she was running at me with a knife and darted around her quickly.

"Here, let me get that for you!" I said moving towards the turkey in the cooler, and used that as my excuse. I stepped right up to the counter, thankful for the cover that it gave me. When she didn't call me on it, I breathed a sigh of relief and started trying to free the turkey from the cooler. The turkey was squishy and smelled like, well, raw meat. It helped diffuse my issue a little bit.

It was a big bird, and it was a tight fit in the cooler.

Tight fit.

Don't go there, brain. You were doing so well.

I said the alphabet in my head to distract me as I pried the turkey free. It took a few minutes, but I was almost completely under control by the time I got the bird loose.

"Where do you want it, Mrs. S?"

Ray had just finished piling the last of their things on the kitchen table. It looked like they had brought a whole apartment with them. She grabbed a large pan, and brought it over to the counter beside me.

"Right in here, if you please."

I did as she asked, then rinsed my hands in the sink.

I still had my coat and scarf on. Time to tell the truth and hope I could sell it. "Anastasia overslept." I figured throwing out Ana's real name might help, considering their refusal to call her by her nickname. "I actually just got here a few minutes before you guys." I unhooked my scarf from my neck, hoping it would lend credence to my story. "She was working late last night, and must have worn herself out."

Don't go there either, brain. Focus.

I slipped off my coat, too, and then realized I had no idea where to put it. Did Ana have a coat closet? Her parents weren't wearing theirs. Where had they put them? Our whole story was going to come crashing down because I didn't know where to hang my coat. There were two doors that could be closets. Or they could be bathrooms or laundry rooms or who knows what.

"So, Anastasia is getting dressed now?" Her mother's brow furrowed, and I imagined her thinking the things Ana had been afraid of.

"I think she might be taking a shower, actually. I told her not to worry about it, but I think she wants to look nice for you guys."

Hopefully she wouldn't come out in sweatpants or something. I heard a scoff and looked over to the couch where a girl with long brown hair was and when she looked up it was like looking at Ana as a younger girl. Before I could introduce myself Carla steps forward.

"Do you think she wants to take pictures?" Her eyes lit up like Christmas had come early. Ah, well, that seemed to distract her pretty well.

"I think so. It is our first Thanksgiving together, after all. I think it's something we should commemorate."

I took a chance and opened one of the doors in the living room. Yes! Coat closet. The day is saved.

I was sliding my coat on a hanger when Carla attacked me from behind. Her arms went around my middle and squeezed so hard, I thought she was trying to give me the Heimlich.

"I am just so happy you came into Anastasia's life. Even after only a few weeks, you've had such a wonderful influence on her. She never lets me take pictures of her."

Well, damn.

Ana was going to be furious.

I smiled and said, "Oh, I don't think I've changed her. She was amazing before me, and is amazing now."

"Ray? Are you listening to this wonderful boy? You could afford to take some lessons from him!"

Ray heaved himself up off the couch and came into the kitchen. "You're making the rest of us look bad, son."

"I'm sorry, sir."

Carla lightly hit her husband on the arm.

"Don't you dare listen to him, Christian."

"Yes, ma'am."

I sighed. I had a feeling this would be happening a lot today. The younger girl got up and walked towards me once Ray and Carla got about to getting the food ready.

"Hi, I'm Christian." I said, holding my hand out to her. She looked at it amused and shook her head.

"Max. But my parents prefer Mackenzie, so just fake it like you've been doing so far." She said and I froze. Was it that obvious?

"I don't know what you mean." I say, trying to sound confused. She chuckled.

"You're doing a pretty good job, dude. Honestly though, pictures? Ana's gonna kill you."

I gulped and breathed out. There's no point in lying to her, she seems too smart. "God, I know. I don't know what I'm doing."

She smiles and shrugs. "She'll wait to kill you until after dinner don't worry. Can I ask you a question?"

I nod and she continues. "Are you two really together? I mean, I've seen her type and you are definitely not it." She says, looking me up and down and man, I forgot what the judgemental stare of a teenage girl was like. Mia used to give it to me all the time. Do I lie and say I really do like her? The real worry is that I'm not sure I would be lying.

"I do really like your sister." I said sincerely and she nods.

"I see. Well, I for one think this is going to be a fun meal."

I watched Carla putter around the kitchen. I offered to help a few times, but she always waved me off. When she wasn't cooking, she was decorating Ana's empty apartment. She'd brought throw pillows and throws and picture frames. I was beginning to understand that Ana was the complete opposite of her parents, probably because she wanted to be the complete opposite of her parents.

"Where are you from, Christian?"

"Right here in Seattle, ma'am."

"Oh, where abouts? We're in Savannah, Georgia."

"I grew up in Bellevue."

"Wow, that's expensive no?"

I fidgeted, scratching at the back of my neck.

"Yes, my mother and father have very well paid jobs."

I knew what was coming. She stopped, her hand still shoved up inside the turkey, and looked at me.

"And what do you do Christian?"

I looked down and said, "I own a small company in the city." She looks up with surprise on her face.

"Oh? What's it called?" Most people in Seattle knew about my company now. And they also knew about me, considering I'm twenty two and close to being a millionaire.

"Grey Enterprise Holdings." I mutter and her eyes widen.

"You own GEH?" I nod and she beams at me. "Wow! You must be a hard worker. I was reading about you in Seattle Nooz a while ago actually. You're adopted aren't you?"

"Mom!" Max says, shocked.

"Yes?" Carla replies, turning to look at her.

"You can't say stuff like that!"

Thank god Max was here to stop her, I didn't fancy talking about my crackwhore of a mother to my fake girlfriend's mom.

"It's ok Mackenzie." I say and she smirks, giving me a slight nod. "I don't really remember my mom and my dad wasn't the nicest man so I don't really miss either of them." Too fucking right I don't miss them. Carla looks at me and gestures for me to come over. I walk forward and her arm wraps around me, with the other still inside the turkey.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that dear." I was just about to reply when I heard Ana's voice.

"What is happening right now?"

Carla released me and I stepped away from her and the turkey. Ana stood at the end of the hallway. I guess she decided against the shower. Her long lilac hair was pulled back into a conservative French plait down her back. She was wearing a black turtleneck sweater that covered her tattoos. She was wearing less makeup, too. She looked like herself, but at maybe 25 percent of her normal vibrancy.

I missed the real her.

"Oh, nothing dear." Ana's mom said. "Christian just told me about his parents."

"Right. His parents." Ana said as she shot me a wide-eyed look.

So, I changed the subject. "Mrs. Steele, tell me what Anastasia was like as a child."

Ana groaned. Her mother practically cheered.

"I just happen to have baby pictures with me! I keep a photo album with me at all times." Ana stalked into the kitchen and threw herself down on the stool beside me.

"Yay. Baby pictures. What a great idea, darling." She entwined her fingers with mine, and then lightly dug her fingernails into the back of my hand in warning. All I could think about was what it would feel like to have her fingernails dig into my skin under different circumstances.

I pulled her hand up to my mouth, and kissed the back. Her eyes widened, and she sucked in a breath. I smiled evilly and said, "Oh, honey, you can't blame me for wanting to see your baby pictures."

While her mother was distracted in the living room finding the album, Ana leaned into my ear and said, "You bet your ass I can blame you. You're not funny, golden boy."

"Really? I thought it was hysterical."

"Later, when we're alone-"

"-I like the sound of that."

She laughed loudly in the direction of the living room, totally fake, and then turned on me. "Don't think I won't murder you, pretty boy."

"So, I was golden and now I'm pretty?"

She took another deep breath, and I imagined she was counting to keep her anger under control. I liked her like this. With her cheeks pink and her eyes sparkling, she looked like herself despite the major style change.

"I can't help it. It's just so much fun to get you riled up."

"You really want to play that game?" She says, a flirtatious tone in her voice.

"You guys are so cute." Max says from across the table. Ana shoots her a glare and Max just smiles sweetly at her.

"Here we go!" Her mother came into the room and slid the album in front of us.

The first picture was of the day they brought Ana home from the hospital. The nursery was a mishmash of different pinks and had ANASTASIA painted across one wall. Ana looked like most babies, small with a pink, chubby face, and no hair. Mrs. Steele had fluffy, curled bangs.

"Mrs. Steele, I have to say, you don't look a day older now than you did then."

She giggled, and swatted me on the shoulder. "Oh, stop."

Ana untangled her hand from mine and said under her breath, "Really, please stop."

Ana took control of the album and flipped through the book quickly, giving me barely any time to look at the pictures, but one thing was obvious. Ana's parents never let her be herself when she was younger. They dressed her in pink, frilly things that you could tell she didn't like. Her hair was blond and always curled in perfect ringlets.

I leaned into her ear and whispered, "You're naturally blond? It's getting easier every minute to picture you in that cheer uniform." If looks could take physical form, the one she gave me would have been a bitch slap.

She looked picture perfect in every photo. Like a Barbie doll, and her smile in each was just as plastic. She was beautiful, but sad. She flipped the page, and I was treated to the real Cheerleader Ana mid toe touch.

"And now I no longer have to picture it."

Her glare stayed firmly in place, but her lips curled up at the end slightly.

"Did you play sports?" Mrs. Steele asked me.

"I did, yes. I was captain of the rowing team at my school. I was also the head of the drama department when I was a senior."

Ana paused in turning the page and said, "Really?"

"I did grow up in Bellevue. Plus, I was good at it."

She laughed. "Of course you were."

"I bet you were a great cheerleader."

"Great? Not really. Nearly suicidal? Sure."

I got to see her in a bright pink prom dress and graduation robes. We were approaching the end of the book, and I kept waiting for a more recent picture of her with her new, non-Barbie look. They never came. The album just ended, as if the last few years had never existed. I saw the relief spread across her face when she flipped the last page. It was replaced by shock and something else I couldn't identify when she saw a final picture taped to the inside of the back of the book.

It was a family photo, and she looked twelve, maybe thirteen. Behind her was a guy I assumed was her brother. He had the same blond hair and wore a letterman jacket. Ana was holding who I assume was Max, who looked about six. On the end was a girl, probably sixteen or seventeen that was the spitting image of Ana. Or I guess it was the other way around, since her sister was older.

"You have another sister?" I asked.

Something in Ana's expression faltered. She spun to face her mother, and her expression was terrifying and terrified.

"No. We're not doing this! Do you hear me? If this is why you came, you can leave." She slammed the album shut, and stormed back into her bedroom.

I expected her mother to act shocked or upset, but she calmly picked up the album and returned it to her things, like she was picking up a book and returning it to the shelf. She walked back into the living room and took down a picture she'd placed on the coffee table, too.

I wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but I knew it had something to do with what Ana mentioned about holidays the night before. And whatever it was, it had Ana broken up into tiny little pieces that I hadn't realised until just now.

 **Hi guys! I hope you're enjoying this story:) it's your reviews that keep me writing so please keep commenting:)**

 **Sophie x**


	10. Chapter 10

Ana POV

I didn't know whether to scream or cry, throw things or collapse to the ground. There was something about my mother that made me feel fourteen and pissed off all over again. I hated it, but I couldn't seem to stop it either. She just couldn't ever leave it alone.

I didn't need pictures of Kate all over the place to remember her. I saw her on the subway, at concerts, passing me in the street. I saw her when I closed my eyes. I used to see her when I looked in the mirror, before I'd changed my hair and inked my skin. I could see her reflected in Mom's eyes every time she looked at me, like if she just wished hard enough she could make us trade places and get the good daughter back.

It didn't matter how many times I said it, Mom always tried to make the holidays about Kate. She wanted to talk about the time Katherine did this or when she said that. Mom brought her up so much that she was like this phantom sitting there at the dinner table that sucked all of the happiness and all the normal conversation into the realm of nonexistence with her.

Forget wishing I were dead. Mom made me feel that way already. Hell, she already had the photo album ready to show the world her other blond princess, never mind that I hadn't been that girl in a long time. No one wanted to see pictures of this Ana. Just Anastasia.

What was wrong with letting the past stay the past? Why did we have to drag all our issues with us into the future? I couldn't breathe out there for all the damn skeletons mom brought in her closet. I didn't fit in that world, and the more I tried, the more I felt like I didn't fit anywhere.

I was lying on my bed, my face pressed into a pillow when I felt the mattress dip. I knew it had to be Christian. Mom never followed me after fights, easier to pretend they weren't happening. And Dad steered clear of all things that involved emotion. I pulled myself up on my elbows and looked over my shoulder to see him seated warily on the very edge of my mattress. He'd left several feet between us.

I rolled over onto my back and waited for him to say something. To ask questions.

He didn't. He lay down beside me, still careful to keep a buffer zone between us. He put one forearm behind his head, and stared up at the ceiling in silence. This close I could see how broad his shoulders were. I mean, I'd felt them, but I hadn't gotten a chance to really look at him. His arms were muscular and his chest wide. I watched the way his body moved as he inhaled and exhaled. The rhythm was calming.

Watching his chest rise and fall was soothing enough that my anger just kind of drifted away. His eyes were closed and his face relaxed when he said, "I let people go."

I sat up on my elbow and looked at him, but his eyes remained closed.

"If you're referencing the Bible and that whole let-my-people-go thing, I'm not getting the connection."

One side of his mouth quirked up, and he sighed.

"Last night you asked why I didn't fight for the girl from the song. It's because I let people go."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I approved, as long as we didn't have to talk about me.

"Always?"

"These days, yeah. When I was younger, I fought and lost too many times."

I wanted him to open his eyes and look at me. This somber, closed-off Christian was making me feel uneasy. I was in a dark enough place by myself, and seeing him like this pushed me even deeper. I never knew what to do in situations like this, so I decided to take his lead and stay silent.

I wasn't thinking about the attraction between us. I was only thinking about comforting him when I slid closer and laid my head on his chest.

Maybe I was thinking of comfort for myself, too.

After a few seconds, the arm he'd had beneath his head came down around me. His fingertips rested on my hip, and I released a breath I'd been holding.

Just when I'd settled into the silence and the comfort of our closeness, he said, "My first memory of my mom is of her going out at God knows what time in the night. I used to tell her not to go, I begged her actually." He breathed out in something that was almost a laugh, a sad one anyway. "She would be gone for hours at a time. I just used to hide under the table until she got back. My dad used to find me and beat me, use me like an ashtray. She just used to watch, crying. She never did anything. She didn't care." He closed his eyes, and I could tell he was somewhere else. He wasn't with me anymore. "She died a year later. I was with her body for four days before someone found me. She overdosed, just stopped trying. I wasn't enough to make her want to stay."

The grief came out of nowhere and knocked me sideways. Tears pressed at my eyes, and my throat burned with the effort of fighting down the emotions. I hadn't cried in a long time, but the thought of Christian as a child, probably just as good and perfect as he is now, facing those things, it hurt. I was used to turning a blind eye to my own emotions. I was so practiced that it came easily. But I'd never had to worry about anyone else's. I'd never been close enough to someone for it to matter. It took all of my self-control to push the emotions back behind my walls.

There were so many things to say that sat just on the edge of my tongue. But all of them seemed like too little and too much at the same time. So, I just held him tighter, and kept my eyes closed until the tears passed.

He laughed, but it wasn't the laugh that I was used to hearing, the one that turned all eyes toward him. This laugh was bitter and broken.

"When my dad came home and saw her lying there, he left. He just left me to die too. Then when the authorities got hold of him he denied having anything to do with me. They found out he was my father through tests, but he didn't want me. I found Grace and Carrick, my life couldn't have turned out better, but in the back of my mind I can't help thinking that whatever evil my father had in him may have rubbed off into me."

I listened to his heartbeat beneath my ear, and all I could think was, how much of a dick do you have to be to leave your kid even after he loses his mother? I'd never been any good at holding my tongue, and now was no exception.

I said, "At least we know assholeness isn't hereditary."

I was seconds away from suggesting a road trip to find his father and put the bastard in his place. His hand smoothed up and down my spine like he was comforting me, instead of the other way around.

Then I realised, he was.

A lot of things pissed me off about my parents and about Kate's death, but nothing upset me more than the fact that I felt alone in my pain. I mean, I knew my parents missed her. I knew they thought about her constantly, but it was with this happy kind of sadness that was completely foreign to me. When I thought about Kate, it was pure, undiluted pain. It felt like my insides had been rearranged, like I still had internal trauma from the wreck. All these years later, just the image behind my closed eyes of her was enough to make me feel like I was bleeding out. I couldn't understand why everyone else didn't feel this way, and it made me furious.

But I could tell from the way the muscles of Christian's chest and stomach flexed below me, he felt it too. I did the same thing, flexed the muscles of my body like armor. The only thing worse than feeling this way was putting all those emotions on display for the world to see.

For the first time in a long time, maybe since Kate, I didn't feel so alone.

I took a deep breath and said, "My sister died."

The hand on my back slid up into my hair. Any other time that would have sent my hormones into a rave, but now it was just soft and sweet, and it flipped a switch in the back of my mind that I spent most of my days trying to turn off.

The vision of that day in my mind never wavered or faded. It was as vivid today as it was then. When I let the memories get the best of me, I could almost imagine the blinding headlights, the sound of glass shattering, and the pressure of the seat belt cutting into my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I couldn't hold back the images, but I could hold back the tears.

Christian didn't try to make me talk. He didn't ask questions. His touch remained firm and constant, keeping me here in the present. We lay there, pressed together so tightly that I didn't have to keep my muscles tense. I didn't need the armor because he was holding me together.

After what could have been an eternity or a few seconds, Christian whispered, "Pain changes us. Mine made me want to be perfect, so that no one would ever want to leave me again."

I inhaled deeply. "Yours made you golden. Mine just made me angry."

One of his hands found my jaw, and he lifted my head up enough to face him.

"Your pain made you strong. It made you passionate and alive. It made us both who we are."

A laugh pushed its way past the pain that lived in my lungs, and escaped from my throat. "Golden boy and angry girl."

"We should make a comic book about our adventures."

The laugh came easier then.

It was funny how a guy who'd known me for so little time managed to put me at ease in a way that my parents, friends, and a string of therapists never had.

"Thank you." I murmured. I returned my cheek to his chest but tilted my face up toward his. "For this, for today and yesterday. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here. I know you probably had somewhere better to be-"

"-Trust me. This was much better than the alternative. I'm exactly where I want to be." He glanced down at me and gave me a half-smile.

I walked my fingers over his stomach and asked, "And what was the alternative?"

"Spending time with people that are best left in the past." He murmured. I kept quiet, but he broke the silence by saying, "Plus my pain in the ass brother and sister." He said irritatedly.

"If they're anything like my siblings then I can completely understand."

He chuckled lowly and I felt the vibrations from his chest on my cheek.

"Your sister, Max, she seems nice."

I smile fondly at the thought. "She's the only one that keeps me sane in this god forsaken family."

"She saw right through me."

I laughed and nodded. "Yes, I thought she might. She's not as gullible as my parents."

Another comfortable silence followed and for the first time, moving forward felt like a possibility.

We stayed there wrapped in each other, comfortable without speaking. We'd done all the talking we needed, and slowly I drifted off to sleep with golden boy beside me in bed.

Christian POV

A bright light flashed on the other side of my closed eyelids. Groggily, I went to rub my eyes, but something had my left arm pinned to the bed.

A woman stood over me with a camera in her hand. Black spots flooded my vision, and it took me a few moments before I remembered where I was and what I was doing here. The woman with the camera was Mrs. Steele, and she'd just taken a picture of Ana sound asleep on my arm. There was a little wet spot on my sweater from her drool.

God, I wanted a copy of that picture.

Mrs. Steele held a finger to her lips and whispered, "I'm sorry. The two of you just looked so sweet that I couldn't resist." This was officially the weirdest day of my life. "Dinner is ready. Ray, Mackenzie and I will wait for you two to get freshened up."

She tiptoed out of the room and closed the door on her way out.

Time to wake the sleeping dragon.

In sleep, Ana looked younger, softer. She had long eyelashes that rested against her cheeks. Her nose was small and turned up slightly at the end. Even sleeping, she had the sexiest lips I had ever seen. Full and slightly puckered, it was like they were calling to me. And I couldn't stop thinking about her saying she wasn't sorry I kissed her.

Not that it mattered. She was taken.

I was doomed to always be attracted to the girls I couldn't have.

Plus, what she'd told me earlier, it couldn't have been easy. I could tell how raw the memories left her, and the last thing I wanted was to take advantage of that tenderness.

I was about to nudge her awake when her eyes opened, and she caught me staring at her. She blinked a few times and then her eyes narrowed on me. She sat up and slid to the complete opposite side of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

Whatever closeness we'd gained earlier didn't appear to have carried over through her nap. The walls were back up and I was still on the outside.

"I swear it's not as creepy as it looks."

"Said the serial killer to the police."

Her hair was messy and closer to how it usually was.

I said, "I was about to wake you up. Your mother just said dinner is ready."

"My mother was in here?"

I was coming to enjoy that wide eyed exasperated look she got every time something concerned her mother.

"She might have taken a picture of us."

She grabbed a pillow, and I narrowly blocked a swipe to the face.

"You let her take a picture of us?"

I grabbed the pillow when she went in for a second swing, and used it to pull her closer. "I didn't let her. I woke up to the flash."

"Seriously?" She made a noise that was part groan part growl and buried her face in her hands. "Kill me now."

I kept the pillow between us as a buffer and said, "It's almost over."

"You've not been to one of my mother's Thanksgiving dinners. It's only just beginning."

She slid off the bed and went to the bathroom to splash her face with water. I followed and did the same. It was frighteningly domestic as we both tried to maneuver around the small space without bumping into each other. I was struck by the oddity that I had known this woman just over twenty four hours. And twenty four hours from now, we would likely go our separate ways, never to hear from each other again.

I swallowed, and she looked at me from the bathroom door.

"Well, are you coming?"

"Yeah, right behind you."

We were ambushed with another photo attack as soon as we entered the living room.

"Mom! Seriously?"

Mrs. Steele's eyes reminded me of those commercials about abused pets, designed to make you feel bad. "I'm sorry. Christian mentioned earlier that you were okay with pictures, and I-"

"-Oh did he now?"

I was in trouble. She laced her hand with mine and squeezed a little harder than was comfortable.

"Oh, you know, sweetie. I told your mom how upset you were that you overslept because you wanted to look nice for them. We talked about how nice it would be to have pictures to commemorate our first holiday together." Mrs. Steele snapped another picture while I was talking to her daughter. "Mrs. S, don't mind Ana. Maybe we should just save the pictures until after dinner."

"Of course, and for the last time, Christian. Please call me Carla. Or Mom."

Ana smiled widely at me, but I had a feeling it was more like those predators on the Animal Channel, baring their teeth in a show of aggression. She leaned up, smiling all the while, and said quietly, "If you call my mother 'Mom,' I'm going to replace that turkey in the oven with your head, okay?"

I smiled back, and curled a hand around her cheek. "Just doing what I was told, angry girl." Ana was glaring at me, but I could tell she was glad to be back in normal territory. Normal, of course, being our attempts to piss each other off. I called to her mother in the kitchen, "Mrs. Steele, I mean Carla, your daughter says the sweetest things sometimes. I think it would shock you how romantic she can be."

Ana laughed low in her throat. Her eyes glinted. She placed her hand over the one on my cheek and said, "It's on now, golden boy. You're going to be sorry."

"I can take it."

And if this is what made her feel better, less vulnerable, then I could.

There was a feast on Ana's table, and her living room was looking decidedly more lived in. Ana waited until we were seated at the table to launch her first attack.

"Oh, Dad, I know you usually say grace, but do you think we could let Christian? He's very religious, and I know he would be so happy to do it."

I smiled and shook my head. She was going to have to try a lot harder than that to throw me off.

"Ray, I would be happy to say the prayer, but I would never want to change your holiday traditions."

Ana's dad waved a hand. "Nonsense. Pray away, son."

I smiled at Ana and took her hand. I pressed a chaste kiss on the back and then reached for her mother's hand on my other side.

"Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for allowing us to be together today. Thank you for guiding Ray, Carla and Mackenzie safely from Georgia to Anastasia's home that we might join together as a family to eat and give thanks. More than anything, I thank you for bringing Ana and I together. It feels like only yesterday we met, but she has changed my life in so many interesting ways. Sometimes, I feel like our relationship is too good to be real. I pray that you will continue to bless us all and may our day be filled with food and fun and friendship. It is in your name we pray, Amen."

As soon as the prayer was over, Ana tugged her hand from mine. Ana's parents held hands a little longer, glancing at us, and then sharing a knowing look. Max gave me an appreciative look, like she was impressed. While they watched I leaned over, and placed a kiss on Ana's cheek. There was no harm in taking a few liberties with my role, especially since this gig only lasted through the end of the day. I whispered, "You're gonna have to do better than that, angry girl."

She waited until her parents weren't looking to flip me off, but we were both smiling.

I said, "Why don't we make a toast?" The Steele's were against alcohol, but I figured the sweet tea would work. I held up my glass and said, "To new beginnings, new family, and a promising future."

Ana and Max looked queasy, but they took a drink when the rest of us did. Mrs. Steele placed a hand over her heart and said, "Christian, I'm sure Anastasia has made it no secret that we haven't approved of some of her boyfriends." Ana snorted, and I took that to mean that some meant all. "But I have to say, you are one of the most pleasant young men that I've ever met."

Ray paused in carving the turkey to say, "Yep. Looks like our Ana is finally learning how to pick 'em."

I saw Ana's spine straighten out of the corner of her eye. She was looking at her father in shock, no doubt because he'd finally used her nickname. I'd only known them a day, and even I knew how big a deal that was. As I watched Ana, the shock gave way to confusion and then finally anger. Her eyebrows pulled together, and those full lips flattened into a line. She did one of those long, slow inhales, and I couldn't blame her.

We should have stopped it all then, put an end to the this. I thought of standing up, faking an important phone call or an illness. But then Ana decided to take her anger out on me. And because I cared about her, I let her.

"He is pretty wonderful, isn't he?" Her tone was sugary on the surface with poison laced beneath. "Especially when you consider where he was just a year ago."

Uh-oh. I didn't like the sound of that.

"A year ago?" Her dad asked.

"Oh yes. A year ago he was in a really bad place. Weren't you, honey?"

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I suppose."

"You suppose? Oh, honey, don't downplay how far you've come. You worked so hard to overcome your, addiction."

Her mother choked on her tea. I closed my eyes to stay calm.

One of Ana's hands was curled into a fist on the table, and I covered it with my own. I turned to her parents and put on my best smile. "Ana likes to exaggerate. She thinks it's funny." I shot her a look and searched for an excuse that would smooth things over with her parents. I looked at her father, whose eyebrows had come together in a frown. I thought about Ana's mothers reaction when I told her about my work. And that gave me the only idea I had. "The addiction Ana is talking about really isn't that big of a deal. I used to work a lot, an unhealthy amount really. Ana hated it, but I've managed to cut down my hours." I could feel her urge to roll her eyes, but she kept her tight smile. I returned it and said, "For her."

It was a thin excuse, but I was banking on the fact that I had a successful company.

Mrs. Steele said, "Forgive me, but I'm confused. I thought you'd only been together a few weeks?"

I opened my mouth to lie again, but Ana beat me to it.

"Oh, we have." Ana said. "Christian was head over heels for me a long time before that though. He just kept asking and asking and asking me to go out with him. It was a little creepy at first."

I gave her a grim smile. "I am persistent."

Her dad said, "And we sure are glad. We were beginning to think our Ana would never meet someone."

Ana frowned and added, "It did get kind of weird for a while. Almost disturbing. You were practically stalking me."

Her dad finished his last slice of turkey and said, "Don't mind her. You have my permission to stalk her anytime."

Ana closed her eyes and whispered under her breath, "Unbelievable."

I smiled and said, "Why don't we take some pictures before dessert?"


	11. Chapter 11

Ana POV

I excused myself under the pretense of freshening up for those godforsaken pictures, and fled to my room.

I swear this guy had to have like supernatural powers. He had that mind control power like the people on The Vampire Diaries. Or some scientist had experimented on him as a child, and now he had, I don't know, extra potent pheromones that bent other people to his will.

It would explain why he was so damn likable.

Stupid magic sweat.

I sighed and turned to close my door, but Christian slipped in before I could.

"You're looking even angrier than usual, angry girl."

This guy had the worst timing in the world.

I closed the door, and left him for the comforting expanse of my bed. Maybe I was still sleeping, and this all had been one horrible, confusing, awkward nightmare.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just visiting my sweet, loving girlfriend."

I threw a pillow at him as a reply.

He caught it easily, and then leaned back against the closed door, staring at me. The guy was straight out of a preppy GAP catalogue.

And I liked it.

What the hell was wrong with me?

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked. "I can make an excuse."

There was no way my parents would accept an excuse. My mother was like an octopus, and he was pretty damn wrapped up in her tentacles already. But his sincerity made something pinch in my throat, and I had to look away from him again. How did he always know exactly what to say?

Supernatural. Had to be.

"Ana, it's not worth it. Lying just puts off the inevitable. Sooner or later, they're going to have to accept you the way you are."

I laughed bitterly. "Well, they've gone this long without accepting it. I'm sure they could squeeze in another twenty one years."

I heard the floorboards creak as he walked toward me.

"Ana."

I sat up and swung my feet over the other side of the bed, so that my back was to him. I'd already spilled enough of my secrets today. I wasn't doing it again. And I needed to get this all under control before I snapped.

"It's fine. We'll just finish out dinner, and then it will be over. I'll tell them in a week or two that we broke up. They'll get over it."

Doubtful. Something told me I'd hear about Christian as the "one that got away" for the rest of my life.

"Just tell them I chose work over you. Your dad seems like the kind of guy that would buy that."

"How flattering."

He laughed. "You know I'd always choose you over work, Ana."

I looked at him over my shoulder and asked, "Are you sure you're from Seattle?"

He smiled. "Truce?"

I nodded.

He threw the pillow he was holding, and it nailed me right in the face.

"Now, a truce."

I rolled my eyes.

"Stalker."

"Liar."

"Asshole."

"Loving girlfriend."

"You suck at insults."

"You cringed when I said loving, so it counts."

"Golden boy."

"Angry girl."

I smiled, feeling a lot less angry. He was good at that.

We returned to the living room, and though dessert was painful, it wasn't excruciating. Christian chatted with my parents, so I didn't have to. Christian was also exceptionally good at keeping them on innocuous topics that wouldn't erupt into the arguments that normally typified our holiday dinners.

He was exactly what our family had been missing, well, since Kate''s accident. She was the good one, the one who always knew what to say and how to act. She was the ingredient that made our family work, and she was gone. Having Christian here made it easier to remember her without hurting.

When Mom brought out the pumpkin pie, she wouldn't let anyone have a slice until they'd said something they were thankful for. Dad was thankful for the good food, and Mom was thankful that they got to be here for the holiday.

I wasn't even lying when I said, "I'm thankful Christian could be here today."

He had an arm around the back of my chair, and his hand came up and touched my hair lightly.

My mother said, "What about you, Christian What are you thankful for?"

His eyes stayed fixed on mine. His hand brushed the side of my neck where my bird tattoos were hidden by my turtleneck sweater. He said, "I'm grateful that the past is the past, and the future is ours to make."

I blinked, and thought pheromones. I mouthed, "Show off." Then slid him my piece of pie, which I also didn't like. Somehow, Mom never seemed to remember that.

"Mackenzie, what are you thankful for?"

She turned to me and looked me straight in the eye when she said, "I'm thankful for the ability to pretend."

I narrowed my eyes at her and she winked at me. I shake my head and stuck my tongue out at her and she did the same, making us giggle. Thank god she was here. Thank god Christian was here.

Mom asked, "Anyone want coffee with their pie?"

"I do." I said.

Mom stood, and Christian joined her. He cupped my shoulder and said, "I'll get it."

"I take it-"

"-One cream, two sugars. I remember."

Seriously, this guy was good.

I watched him as he fiddled with my coffeemaker and chatted with my mom. The guy was too selfless, too everything. There had to be something wrong with him. Guys like him didn't exist. And if they did, one had certainly never been interested in me. My dad got up to go to the bathroom so it was only me and Max at the table.

"You like him, don't you?" She said smiling widely.

"Of course I do. He's my boyfriend." I tried to say with conviction but Max just laughed.

"Come on Ana. You and I both know that you'd never go near a guy like that in a million years. He's too perfect." Don't I know it.

"Ok, ok. Jeez you're getting smart."

She smiled again and said, "You guys may be faking it, but you both like each other. I can see it." I scoff and she shakes her head. "Just stop lying to yourself about your feelings for once Ana. You've done it long enough."

She was right. I think I did like Christian. But I couldn't just tell him that out of the blue, and we were supposed to break up in a couple of weeks. God, this is so much more confusing than I wanted it to be. I had enough confusion in my life as it was without Christian.

Christian POV

The rest of the night went quickly, and before I knew it, we were saying goodbye. Mrs. Steele hugged me tightly, and Mr. Steele shook my hand.

"Say we'll see you again soon, Christian. Christmas?"

I looked at Ana, and she shrugged and said, "Sure, we'll talk about it."

We'd be "broken up" before then. I wondered how she would actually do it. She should make me the bad guy, that way she wouldn't get any stress over it.

"Have a safe flight tomorrow." I told them. Mrs. Steele hugged me again, almost like she was assuring herself I was real. Then they walked down the stairs and left. I closed the door and took in Ana's apartment. Her mother had insisted on leaving behind all the dishes she'd bought, along with some pillows, a rug, the Christmas tree, and who knows what else.

It wasn't empty anymore, but it was still lifeless because it wasn't Ana.

"Well, angry girl."

"We survived." She said.

I wasn't ready to leave, but I didn't have another excuse to stay.

I had one more reason to keep us together, but I was pretty damn certain it was a bad idea. When I'd agreed to do all of this, she'd promised me a date.

It had seemed harmless before, an innocent attraction. I had thought it would get my mind off of Elena, and it had. I had thought of it like a date with a safety net, because we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere.

But I didn't know that anymore. Well, maybe my mind did, but the rest of me didn't. Any date between us now wouldn't be harmless, and it sure as hell wouldn't be simple.

So as much as I wanted to, I didn't mention the date.

She said, "Thanks for putting up with all of this. After what I've put you through, I probably should have paid you. You could have put it on your résumé, expert boyfriend."

"Hey, I got some pretty great food out of it. I think that's enough for most guys."

"Food and sex." She said.

Cue awkward silence. Her cheeks flushed red, and I let the silence go on for a little longer, just because I liked seeing her out of her element.

Finally, she threw her hands up, exasperated, and said. "What? It's the truth! Are you implying that you don't think about sex constantly, golden boy?"

"Oh, I definitely think about it." I was thinking about it right now, and it was not making leaving this apartment any easier. My eyes, as usual, were drawn to her lips, and I had the sudden urge to ruffle her hair so that it was closer to her normal style. I wanted her out of that ridiculous turtleneck, so that I could see her creamy skin and the art that enhanced it. God, was it only this morning that I'd seen her tree tattoo in its entirety? I could still picture the bare branches and twisting roots. I wondered what it meant to her. I wondered what it would be like to trace the lines with my fingertips. With my tongue.

She cleared her throat, and I realized I'd been standing there staring at her, imagining her naked for god knows how long.

I coughed. "Well, I should probably go."

Go beat my head against a wall. Go jump in front of a moving car. Go get a life. Any of the above was appropriate.

"Right." She said. "Um, thank you, again for all of this."

I shook my head and smiled. "It was nothing. I'll see you around, angry girl."

I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. "Good night Christian."

I only let myself look back for a second, and then I said, "Good night." I walked down the flight of stairs and out into the street, which was fairly busy because all the restaurants were still open since it was thanksgiving. I took one last look at the door to Ana's building, and then promised to forget it.

I refused to let myself want what I couldn't have. I wouldn't go through that all again. "Goodbye, Ana" I murmured and walked towards my Audi.

I sat at my desk at work the next morning contemplating going home because I couldn't concentrate. Ever since last night I couldn't stop think about Ana. The way her hair had framed her face, her beautiful blue eyes, the slight disappointment I saw on her face when I said goodbye. I sighed and decided I'd call my mom. I missed her, she always talked to me about these things.

Within the second ring she had answered and I heard her gentle voice say, "Christian? Is that you?"

"Yes mom, who else would it be?"

She chuckled. "I suppose. Oh darling, it's wonderful to hear your voice. How are you?"

I closed my eyes, wondering whether I should tell her everything. "I'm, fine mom. How are you?"

There was silence for a moment before she said, "Christian. What's the matter?"

A drawn out breath escaped through my lips and I closed my eyes. "I met someone."

The gasp that followed was not inconspicuous at all.

"A girl?"

"Yes, a girl."

"It's not Elena?"

"Mom-"

"-I know sweetie. You don't like taking about her, but you're going to have to in order to properly move on." There was a silence for a while before she said, "Did you get her wedding invitation?"

"Yes." It was sat under a pile of paperwork at my desk at home. I hadn't opened it yet, but I knew it was her writing and she wouldn't be sending anything else. "I don't think I'm going to go."

"What? You have to Christian! You've known each other since you were both ten!" I knew that. That's why it was so hard for me to go and watch her marry someone else. Although, it wasn't as hard as it used to be. I only had Ana to thank for that.

"I'll think about it."

She sighed and said, "I don't know what to say to make you want to come." There was a pause and then she said, "Oh! You can bring the girl you met!"

I collapsed my head in my hands and shook my head. "Mom-"

"-That's settled then! I'm excited to meet her, what's her name?"

I took a deep breath before murmuring, "Anastasia."

"What a beautiful name! Oh Christian this is going to be wonderful."

We say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone. I didn't even know how I felt about Ana, so god knows how my parents will feel about her. They'll obviously love her, what's not to love? Uh oh.

Within seconds there's a knock at my office door. "Come in." I say, and Andrea appears in my doorway. She's my assistant, and a good one at that.

"Mr Grey is here for you, Mr Grey."

"Carrick or Elliot?" By the look on her face I knew exactly which one. "Elliot. Send him in." She nods once and leaves. A few seconds later the door opens and Elliot walks in.

"Shit man, you've hired some hot ass assistants. Any of them available?"

"No." I say sternly and he holds his hands up in surrender.

"Fine! Ok." He sits down in the chair opposite my desk and frowns. "You look like shit, bro."

I shrug and he leans forward.

"This isn't still about Elena, is it?"

It felt good to be able to say, "No, it's not about Elena."

"Don't tell me you've already gotten your heart broken by some other girl. I only left you alone for a day."

"No, no broken heart. Just an unavailable girl."

Elliot stretched his legs out in front of him and nodded. "Ah, you know the cure for that don't you?"

"What?"

"An available girl." Laughing, I made my way to the small bar in my office and held up a beer, he nodded and said, "I'm serious. I happen to remember the hot blond eyeing you up in the club. Did you get her number?" I shook my head and he grinned. "Well lucky for you, I did." He passes me a crumbled up piece of paper with a phone number inside. "It's the only way you'll feel better, man."

That wasn't a bad idea.

Dating was the solution to my Elena, and now Ana, problem.

"Okay, I'll do it." I told him.

I picked up my phone to find her number, and he said, "Whoa! Whoa! Don't do it now. You've got to give it a few days. You know the rules."

Right. Elliot had rules with girls. None of them, however, said anything about fucking and chucking, which was his speciality.

So Sunday afternoon, with Elliot obnoxiously watching from my sofa, I called Gia. I pulled out my cell, found her in my address book, and hit send quickly, before I could change my mind.

She answered on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Gia?" I asked.

"Yes?"

I said, "This is Christian." Then I couldn't remember if Elliot actually told her my name at the bar, so I added, "My brother, Elliot met you at The Mile High Club a few days ago. I was with him."

"Oh." I could hear the smile in her voice. "Hi, Christian."

"Hi."

Elliot whispered, "Set the date up for this weekend. Give her plenty of time to get nervous about it."

I rolled my eyes, but asked, "What are your plans this Friday night, Gia? And whatever it is, can I steal you away from it?"

"Steal me? I think I'd go quite willingly." She giggled.

Now I just needed to figure out where we would go.

"Excellent." I said. "It's a date. I'll call you back in a few days to let you know what we're doing."


	12. Chapter 12

Ana POV

My phone rang so early the day after Thanksgiving that it should have been labeled cruel and unusual punishment. I reached out toward my nightstand, knocking off who knew what until my fingers finally closed around my phone.

"What?" I grumbled.

"Good morning, sweetie."

Oh god, it was way too early for this.

"Hi, Mom."

"Your father and I are at the airport. Our flight has been delayed."

Oh no. If she said that they were going to stay even longer, I would go crazy. I had to get back to the band and back to work.

"I'm sorry, Mom. There's no chance they'll cancel it, is there?"

"Oh, no, honey. Just something about the pilot's plane being late the night before, so they're required to give him some rest. We'll be back in Georgia by this evening." Thank God. "But your father and I were talking, and we just wanted to tell you again how much we liked Christian."

I was pretty sure that was already clear, thanks.

"You know, we've been worried about you. Your father and I had a lot of difficulty with your decision to drop out of college." A lot was an understatement. I wouldn't be surprised if they discussed having me committed as mentally unstable. "But we came around." After a year of fighting, yeah. "We've been helping you pay your rent so you can afford to spend time doing your little music thing." God, I was going to break out in hives if she called my career and lifelong dream a "little music thing" one more time. "It's just, you've been here so long, and your father and I were starting to feel that perhaps it was time to face the facts and grow up."

No. Please no. I was so close. I could feel it. The gig next weekend at The Fire was going to be huge for us. We were even doing a live recording of the set.

It wasn't like they didn't have plenty of money. They both had high paying jobs, and the insurance money from Kate's death had made our already wealthy household even wealthier. They gave me five hundred bucks a month to help pay my student loans from that pointless year at WSU that they'd been the ones to insist upon. You'd think when they were the ones pushing me to go to college, that they would have at least paid for it. But since they hadn't helped Andrew, they didn't help me. Some bullshit about making my own way. Too bad it had only ever been their way.

Five hundred to them was nothing, and to me it was the difference between doing what I loved and just dreaming about doing what I love. I just needed a little more time.

"What does that mean?" I asked. "You're going to stop helping me?"

"Eventually, yes." Shit. I was going to have to double my shifts at the The Mile High Club. Between that and my job at the tattoo parlor, I would have zero time for singing, much less writing my own stuff. "We were going to talk to you about it while we were here, but then we met Christian."

"What does Christian have to do with it?"

"Well, you're obviously getting your life together. You're dating a nice, respectable boy and finally starting to take things seriously. Your father and I are so glad you've left behind the negative influences you were spending time with before. So, since you're obviously trying, we're going to give you a few more months."

"A few?" I asked.

"Well, we're going to play things by ear. But as long as you keep taking your life seriously, you don't need to worry about it."

AKA, as long as I kept dating Christian.

I wanted to scream.

At her.

At the world.

At myself. For being too damn cowardly to tell her exactly what I was thinking. I should have told her the truth about Christian. I should have told her that she was full of shit. I had been taking my life seriously.

I had been taking my life seriously when I left college. Just because I was not taking a familiar road or doing something that made sense to her didn't mean I was naive or ignorant.

It meant I didn't want to be a mindless office worker who daydreamed about what life could have been if things had been different.

It meant I was willing to make sacrifices and work two jobs and kill myself to get it all done.

It meant I was brave.

I wished I had been brave enough then to tell her those things.

I wasn't.

Instead I kept my mouth closed and listened to her prattle on about this charity ball she was going to after Christmas and how Andrew was doing, and how perfect his wife, Leila, was.

The more she talked and the more I stayed silent, the more nauseated I became. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I lied and said, "Mom, there's someone at the door. I have to go."

"Oh, sure, honey. It was good to see you. Tell Christian we said hi and we'll see him at Christmas."

"Mom, I'm not sure he'll make it to Christmas."

"And why not?"

"Well, he has his own family to see. Plus it isn't cheap."

"Oh, it's very clear from his childhood and job that he has no problem paying for a little plane ticket. I won't take no for an answer." I wanted to shout at her. She knows nothing about his childhood, only what he chose to tell her. She didn't know him. I didn't want her to know him.

"We'll see, Mom. I really do have to go."

I hung up and threw my phone somewhere on the floor. I pulled the covers over my head, and hugged my pillow, but the damage was done. I was too worked up to go to sleep.

I took a long shower. I made a complicated lunch that was supposed to occupy my mind, but didn't. I went for a run. I played my guitar. I tried to write a new song.

I did that for two days.

Distraction. Failure of said distraction.

Different distraction. Different failure.

Repeat until madness consumes what little sanity I have left.

The whole time my phone sat there, taunting me. Christian was one call away. Or a text if I was feeling particularly cowardly.

One question could solve so many of my problems. Or delay them anyway. Wasn't that what life was? Taking the good while we could get it, and delaying the bad as long as possible.

Christian was good, and he could help delay the bad. Win-win, right?

Except for the part where I had to degrade myself to do it.

How much was I willing to sacrifice for the money my parents were giving me?

I knew, I could feel it somewhere in the space between my heart and lungs that this wasn't a hopeless dream. Anything that felt this good and consumed me so completely couldn't be hopeless. I thought of all the gigs I'd have to cut back on if I didn't have that money. Any one of them could be the one that puts us on the track of making music for a living, but if the gigs never happened, neither would our break.

I'd just finished thinking that I wasn't afraid to make sacrifices.

Could I sacrifice my own pride, bend to my parents, and pretend to be something I wasn't if it meant following my dream? It wasn't as if I had to actually be someone else. I just had to pretend, for a little while.

Five hundred bucks a month. I suppose people had betrayed themselves for less.

I made it to Sunday evening before I went back to my room and fished my phone out from under the pillow I had stuffed it under to dampen the temptation. Before I could analyze what I was doing, I scrolled through my old texts and found Christian's number.

Hey. My band is playing this Friday at The Fire. You should come.

I tossed my phone down on the bed, and then pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes.

Why did I feel like I'd just hit my self destruct button?

I was just inviting him to see us play. That didn't mean anything. I still had a whole week to make up my mind.

My phone started ringing, and I jumped to answer it.

Oh, it was Jose.

He probably wanted to do something tonight, or spend the night, now that my parents were gone. I just, I wasn't feeling up to being around people.

I hit ignore.

Christian's reply came a few minutes later.

What time?

I spent most of the next week avoiding Jose. We saw each other at practice, and we grabbed dinner beforehand a few times, but I just kept telling him I had to work, which was true. And when I didn't have to work, I told him I wasn't feeling well, which wasn't true, but oh well.

When the day of the gig arrived, we were set to meet that afternoon to load up our equipment from The Mile High Club. Ethan had a van we used to transport what we needed. When I arrived, Jose wasn't there, and Ethan was outside smoking.

He inhaled, and on the exhale said, "You look like shit."

"Thanks, asshat." I did.

I hadn't slept well the night before because I knew I was going to see Christian the next day, and I still hadn't decided whether I was going to ask him about Christmas.

"I'm just saying, we need you to look hot for tonight and you look like you're auditioning to be an extra on The Walking Dead."

"I've had a shitty couple of days, okay?"

"Right. Jose said you've been sick the last few days." Ethan made air quotes with his fingers when he said "sick."

"Stay out of it, Ethan. And don't you worry. I'll be good by tonight. I'll look so sexy you'll be dying to get back into my pants."

"You know I'm always dying to get back in your pants."

I rolled my eyes. "Ha ha."

He smiled, and took another drag on his cigarette.

"You sure Jose is coming?"

"Why wouldn't he be?"

He shrugged. "Maybe he took one look at you in that outfit and decided not to show after all. Or maybe he found out about the preppy boy you were making googly eyes at last week at the bar."

I flicked his cigarette and it went flying out of his mouth.

"Hey! I was using that."

"I was not making googly eyes at anyone. You're delirious."

"No, babe, I'm observant. There's a difference. But keep your secrets. Fine by me. Just wait to cut Jose loose until after tonight or we'll have problems."

I twisted the key and opened the heavy front door to The Fire. He followed me inside the darkened, lifeless bar, and I said, "No one is cutting anyone loose. You're way off on this one, Ethan."

I flipped on the light, and he shrugged. "I wasn't wrong when I thought you were about to toss me to the curb. I doubt I'm wrong this time."

Sometimes it was really obnoxious being friends with an ex. He liked to bring it up all the time, but I knew for a fact that he was way past over me. The guy had a different girl every week. He liked to say he was practicing for the groupies we'd eventually have. I liked to call him man whorrible.

My pocket buzzed.

Jose had texted.

Can't make it 4 set up. Sry. C U 2night tho

Are you fucking kidding me?

I hit dial, and it went straight to voice mail. I called a second time. Same thing. At the tone, I said, "You better have the best damn excuse in the world, Jose. Tonight is important. Don't you dare be late!"

Ethan was holding both of our guitars, smirking when I hung up.

"Maybe it's not Jose who is getting tossed to the curb."

Christian POV

It was undoubtedly the worst idea ever, bringing Gia to Ana's show. But my desire to see her play overruled any common sense I was still holding on to. I'd been in midconversation with Elliot about date ideas when I received her text. I didn't even hesitate before saying yes.

Gia and I met up Friday night at a restaurant close to the venue. She was wearing a little black dress that fit her slim body perfectly. When we'd met at The Mile High Club her cheeks had been bright pink. I'd assumed she'd been flushed from alcohol. She'd also been the dictionary definition of giggly. Again, I thought alcohol.

Apparently, I was wrong on both accounts. That was just Gia, cheeks drowning in blush and lungs made of laughing gas.

I went through all the motions of a date.

Pulling out her chair.

Ordering wine.

Small talk.

Gia was nice enough, and very pretty, but a bit predictable. She ordered a salad and kept tossing her blond hair back and forth so much I was surprised she didn't have whiplash. She giggled not just when stuff was funny, but to fill the silence.

There was a lot of silence on my part.

"So, my professor was completely unreasonable, and wouldn't even consider letting me retake the test, when really the entire misunderstanding was his fault. You'd think for the amount of money we're paying for his class that he would be a little better at communicating, right?"

Silence.

Gia giggled.

I cringed.

I had to work on replying faster.

"Right. You'd think."

She smiled and tossed her hair again. "I'm sorry. I'm probably boring you with all my talk about school."

"Oh, no, not at all!" I said.

"Oh good. Because you know, I ran into the same professor at happy hour hitting on a girl my age. Can you believe it?"

I said as fast as humanly possible, "I cannot!"

"I mean, the guy was like forty. I suppose if I were a different kind of girl maybe he would have let me retake the test, but honestly. I wrote a letter to the dean about the professor. Maybe he'll get fired. At the very least, my grade will get changed. Daddy is friends with the dean. They've been golfing together for ages."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Oh yes. You know, I almost went to another school so that I could 'make my own way,' and all that, but in the end, I thought, why not take advantage of every opportunity I'm given?"

She kept going, but I was having trouble listening. I liked to think that I probably made it longer than most before tuning out. I was sure that there was a really cool person underneath the designer clothes and the manicured nails and the most obnoxious laughter known to man, but tonight I didn't have the patience or attention span to find her. My body felt almost electric at the thought of where we'd be heading next.

I'd spent an embarrassingly long time Googling Ana's band Under the Bell Jar. I learned that they'd named themselves after a Sylvia Plath novel, which made me think of Ana's threat to stick my head in the oven on Thanksgiving, and I died laughing. The bass player and Ana were the original founding members, and it looked like Ana's boyfriend was a more recent addition. His name was Jose. He sounded like a real keeper.

I was snapped out of my reverie when the waiter came by with the cheque.

I pulled out Gia's chair and offered her my arm.

She giggled.

God help me.

"I'm so glad I met you at that god-awful bar. My friends dragged me there, and I wanted to leave as soon as we got there. Well, until I met you."

Awesome. That meant she was probably going to hate the place we were heading.

"So, tell me again about this band," she said.

I'd been on the website enough to be able to parrot back to her, "They're a local band from here in Seattle. They're supposed to be pretty good."

"Cool."

Giggle.

Giggle.

Giggle.

Dear God. I had to keep talking.

"Yeah, I've not heard them play before, but I know someone in the band. I think it's going to pretty awesome. Do you like music?"

She started talking about Lady Gaga and I sighed in relief. That should last us at least until we walked the block and a half to The Fire. Then hopefully it would be loud enough there to drown out her inane giggling.

When we got to the door, I paid the cover and slipped happily into the darkened bar. I found us a table, and then escaped to get us both drinks. As I was leaving, Gia was looking worriedly at her barstool like it was going to give her Ebola. They had a great selection of local beers so I got one of those. Gia wanted a cosmo. The bartender looked at me like I was crazy. This wasn't really a cosmo kind of place, but he went off to make it anyway. While I waited for our drinks, I pulled out my phone and texted Ana.

Here. Have a great show!

I didn't expect a reply, since she was going on soon, but I got one almost immediately.

Thanks. You should come backstage afterward.

Huh. We hadn't talked once since her original text, so I had assumed she'd only invited me to be nice, or to make more money, but she seemed to genuinely want to see me again. I'd thought of all these strategies for talking to her again, and it looked like I wasn't even going to have to use them. That made it ten times harder to accept the drinks from the bartender and return to Gia, who giggled when I sat down with what would probably prove to be the worst cosmo in history.

To her credit, she winced when she took a drink but didn't complain. I kept flicking my eyes back to the stage, waiting for the concert to start. I managed to keep up a halfhearted conversation with Gia about her plans to study abroad.

"I just can't make up my mind where I want to study though. Australia would be amazing. Or London. But I think Paris is my favorite right now. Then again, it changes once a week."

"I have a friend who is backpacking overseas right now. I lose track of where she is, but last I heard she was somewhere in Germany. She's pretty much been all over the place, taking trains and staying in hostels."

"Hostels? Seriously? What if she gets chopped up into pieces or something like that movie?"

I smiled. "I don't think they're actually like that."

"Still." she said, flipping her hair, "I don't think I could ever stay there."

It was official. I had given up hope of finding a normal person underneath all the spoiled. The evening wasn't a complete bust though, because at that moment a shrill whine came over the speakers, and I saw Ana fiddling with her microphone up on stage. Her gorgeous lilac curls were even more out of control than I remember. Almost as if she was trying to make up for the day she'd spent tamed down for her parents. She wore these short leopard print shorts over black, sheer stockings with red heels that made her legs look incredible. She had on a white, ripped tee that hung off her shoulders, showing the angles and architecture of her body. She looked effortlessly cool.

Her pale skin practically glowed under the lights, and her white shirt was just transparent enough that I could see the outline of her black bra beneath. I liked it until I remembered everyone else could see that same black bra. She pulled a keyboard out infringement of her and slipped the guitar strap over her head and looked more at home than she ever had in her apartment.

She stepped up to the mic, her red lips brushing against it as she said, "Hello, I'm Ana and this is Under the Bell Jar."

I wanted to cheer, but I restrained myself to clapping like the rest of the crowd. "Thank you all for coming down to see us. This first song is called 'Stone Cold'."

She pushed her guitar behind her back and started to play the keyboard and for the first time, I noticed the other people around her. On bass was a guy who was the oddest mix of punk and nerd that I'd ever seen. He had on a sweater vest and a bow tie with metal spikes. He wore glasses that didn't look like they were just for show, but his hair hung long and grunge band shaggy. At the back, between him and Ana, was her boyfriend from the coffee shop. Jose. He played the drums, his eyes were fixed on Ana the entire time.

I couldn't blame him.

I wasn't sure I'd be able to take my eyes off of her either. She smiled as she played the opening progression, and I could see the moment when the rest of the world ceased to exist for her. Then she sang, and the rest of the world disappeared for me, too.

Stone cold, stone cold

You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor

Stone cold, stone cold

Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore

Her voice was low and raspy but had this sweet tone that was at odds with the rest of her. The music picked up slightly and the drums got louder.

Stone cold, baby

God knows I tried to feel

Happy for you

Know that I am, even if I

Can't understand, I'll take the pain

Give me the truth, me and my heart

We'll make it through

If happy is her, I'm happy for you

Stone cold, stone cold

You're dancing with her, while I'm staring at my phone

Stone cold, stone cold

I was your amber, but now she's your shade of gold

As she sang, I could feel her emotions so clearly, as if she poured them directly into me.

Stone cold, baby

God knows I tried to feel

Happy for you

Know that I am, even if I

Can't understand, I'll take the pain

Give me the truth, me and my heart

We'll make it through

If happy is her, I'm happy for you

Her voice went into her higher register. It was heartbreaking and honest, and I understood her better in that moment than ever before.

Don't wanna be stone cold, stone

I wish I could mend this but here's my goodbye

Oh, I'm happy for you

Know that I am, even if I

Can't understand

If happy is her, If happy is her

I'm happy for you

She smiled grimly, and I swear she held the whole audience in the palm of her hands. Everyone was leaning forward, me included. She played a few more notes, humming slightly, and the music faded out to just the beat of the drums and bass as she hummed some more.

Ana POV

If this was what drugs were like, I understood how people got addicted. No matter how many times I did this, it never got any less exhilarating. The nerves and the fear and the hope and the hurt and the healing, my soul was a galaxy all its own when I was onstage.

I had tried a million things in an attempt to piece my life back together after Kate's death, to make the world feel right-side-up again. Music was the only thing that worked.

When the last notes of 'Stone Cold' were over, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would do whatever it took to keep this. Maybe it made me weak. It definitely made me selfish and a liar, but if there was any way I could convince Christian to continue pretending just long enough so that my parents didn't cut me off completely, I would do it.

I found him in the crowd after our third or fourth song. I swear I'd scanned the entire bar for him twice already, and I was beginning to think he'd left. Then I saw him at a table in the middle of the room with the same blonde his brother had talked to at The Mile High Club. It was completely irrational, but I felt a spike of irritation that he'd brought her. It was soothed by the fact that every time I glanced at him, he never took his eyes off of me.

We started one of our Rilo Kiley covers, and I couldn't keep myself from making eye contact with him.

And it's bad news, baby I'm bad news

I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

He raised an eyebrow at me, and I nearly laughed into the microphone.

The song fit us, and I'd been thinking of him when I picked it for the set list. It was all about the ways a relationship could go wrong when one of the people in it was like me. Toxic.

A walking corpse, that's how the song put it. That was me, but despite how often I told myself that seeing Christian was a bad idea, I was too selfish to stop myself.

I tried to communicate those thoughts as I sang, tried to warn him as best as I could.

I should not have noticed the way his eyes followed my movements or the way his posture straightened every time I looked at him. I should not have cared. I should not have looked into his grey eyes. I really should not have bit my lip between lines, because I could see from here his chest rise and fall. I wanted to feel bad about encouraging whatever this was between us, but I didn't.

Bad news, bad news

The song ended, and I looked at Ethan to make sure he was ready for the next song. He gave me a look, and his eyes shot out toward the audience. I didn't have to look to know he was glancing at Christian.

I didn't have to guess what his mental lecture was either. I was completely qualified to give one to myself. Beyond all the normal levels of stupidity that this thing qualified as, it was the highest level of stupid to allow it to distract me during a set, especially if I only had a few more months to do something significant with my career before my parents cut me off. I needed every song to be as awesome as it could possibly be. I couldn't afford to mess up one verse, one line, even one note.

I kept my eyes off Christian through the rest of the set. I worked the stage, flirting with Jose and Ethan. I leaned down to touch a few guys in the audience, flirting with them, too. Funny how onstage, the more broken and messed up you are, the more entertaining people find you. The audience's favorites were the songs I'd chosen to represent my darkest, angriest moments. Air that kind of aggression anywhere else but onstage, and people would stare or talk or lock you up.

When we sang our last song, one of Ethan's choices, the applause was loud enough to drown out even my thoughts for a few moments.

I breathed in their excitement. This was living. I might be a walking corpse everywhere else, but not up here.

The spotlight operator swept his light across the stage while each of us waved. When the light came back to me, blinding, the beauty of the moment disappeared, and I lost my breath.

The flash of headlights.

Crunch of metal.

Screaming tires.

Then spinning, spinning, spinning.

Out of control.

I stood there frozen until Jose hooked his arm around my neck. Sweat coated his skin and mine, too. He pulled me off the stage, and I waited until we were backstage and out of the view of the crowd before I shrugged him off.

I grumbled, "Bathroom." hoping that this time he would take the hint. This time I made sure to go into a stall, so that he couldn't follow me. I kicked the door closed behind me, and resisted the urge to light up. I wanted this place to invite us back, which meant I shouldn't go smoking up their bathroom, even if it would make me feel better.

So, I pretended.

I imagined the flick of the flame, the smell of the smoke, and the filter against my lips. I inhaled slowly, remembered the relaxation it normally brought me, and then exhaled. I concentrated on pushing out the memories with it.

Ethan had told me once, on one of Kate's birthdays actually when I was a complete wreck, that we should live like we smoke, inhale the present and exhale the past. Something about it had stuck with me. I only smoked on rare occasions these days, but I lit up an imaginary cigarette almost every day. I didn't need the nicotine, just the motion, the breathing.

My phone buzzed in my back pocket.

Great show, angry girl. You still want me to come back?

Did I?

Maybe it made me a bad person, asking him to do me this favor despite all the confusing feelings between us, but it didn't change anything. I still needed him, and if he was willing to let me use him, I would.

Yeah, golden boy. Whenever you'd like.

When I exited the bathroom, Jose was waiting. Ethan had disappeared somewhere, so it was just the two of us.

"Are you done being a diva?"

I rolled my eyes. "Needing a few seconds alone after a set does not make me a diva, Jose."

"Then what about the fact that you spent all week blowing me off?"

I didn't have an answer for my behavior, not a good one anyway. So I turned it back on him. "What about the fact that you spent all day today ignoring my calls and flaked out on setup?"

He tossed his head to get his black hair out of his eyes. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, completely closed off. Face blank. He said, "I told you, something came up."

A drop of unease rippled through my chest. He was lying about something.

"Want to tell me what that something was?"

He punched a fist forward in his pocket and clenched his jaw. He shook his head and shrugged. "You have your secrets, and I'll have mine."

"The difference, Jose, is that my secrets don't affect the band."

"Jesus, I've got zero fucks to give about this band, Ana. You know I'm only here for you."

Unbelievable. In some demented part of his brain, he must have thought that sounded romantic because he stepped toward me and slipped his hands over my hips. I shoved him back hard.

"If you knew anything about me, you would know that this band is my life."

"Oh, it's clear you care about this band more than you care about me, about anybody."

"Damn right, I do."

He tugged on one of his gauges and ran his thumb under his nose. He got up in my face and said, "You're a real piece of work, you know that?"

I'd known that for a long time.

"Says the guy with pinpoint pupils. What are you on? Couldn't wait until after the set?"

He closed his eyes and groaned. "I get it. You're mad about this morning. I'm sorry." His hands came up to my jaw, and he continued, "Can't we just-"

I shoved him back again and felt his fingernails scrape my jaw.

"No, Jose!" My voice was explosive, and I made myself calm down and lower the volume. The last thing we needed was for someone to hear us arguing back here. "Just, I can't do this right now, Jose. Let's take the night off, and we'll address this all later."

"Later, yeah, I've been hearing a lot of that recently. I'm sick of waiting for later."

Damn it. I didn't have the energy to deal with this right now. I tried to reach for him, to appease him, but he backed away from me. "I don't know what the hell you want from me, Jose."

His face screwed up in anger and he said, "I'm not sure I want anything from you anymore."

He blew out the back exit into the alley, and it didn't bode well for our relationship that the thing that pissed me off the most was that he left Ethan and I alone to pack up once again.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

"Does that really work for you?" I turned to find Christian leaning against the door. He was wearing a black button down shirt with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. You knew you were in bad shape when just the sight of a guy's forearms distracted you. The week of not seeing him had done nothing to quell my attraction to him.

Bad news.

"Sometimes." I said. "At the moment, it's doing a fat lot of nothing."

One side of his mouth lifted up in a half smile, and he asked, "Do you want me to leave?"

I wasn't sure whether he had heard enough of the fight to know that it was about needing space or if he was just better at reading me. I wasn't calm, not in the slightest, but I trusted him not to push.

"No, that's ok. I'm ok."

Inhale.

Exhale.

He pushed off the wall and stepped inside the room, closing the door behind him.

"I'm really glad I came." He said.

I nodded, and because I was a glutton for punishment, I asked, "Where's your friend?"

He laughed and ran a hand across his jaw. My hands tingled, and I pushed them behind my back, far away from him. He said, "She's gone. Thank God. She wanted to leave in the middle. I didn't. We agreed to go our separate ways."

I took a seat on a beat-up old couch in the corner, and he sat a few feet away from me. I slid a little closer.

"I wouldn't have been offended, you know. You could have left."

"No, I couldn't have." His eyes dipped toward my legs just for a second, but I saw it. "I'm sure you hear this a lot, but you were amazing."

My skin warmed, and I basked in his attention like it was the sun. I pulled my legs up on the seat, and settled my chin on my knees. "Feel free to tell me again, as often as you like, really."

He stretched an arm out on the couch cushion behind me, and said, "I could do that."

I leaned back until my head brushed his arm. My blood still pumped too fast from the fight with Jose, and the damaged, angry part of me really wanted to prove how much Jose's anger didn't bother me. I turned toward Christian, and leaned my legs against his.

"So, I-"

The door swung open and Ethan came trotting in with two people behind him. A tall, attractive dark haired guy with a leggy blond tucked into his side. I heard Christian's sharp intake of breath a second before the blond said, "Christian?"

 **Hi guys! So who do you think this mysterious visitor will be? I might upload the next chapter today if I get enough reviews:)**

 **Sophie x**


	13. Chapter 13

Christian POV

Elena.

I swear, every time things get remotely good, the universe puts me back in my place.

"Hey, Elena, John."

The two of them crossed the room toward us, and Ana whispered, "Who is that?"

"Remember the other plans for thanksgiving?"

"The ones that are best left in the past?"

I nodded and stood to greet them. I shook John's hand, and gave Elena an awkward one armed hug.

"We didn't see you at thanksgiving. Mia and Elliot said they didn't know where you were?" I rubbed my face and shrugged.

"Oh yeah I uh, wasn't free."

"I was really looking forward to catching up with you, Christian."

Then Ana said, "He was with me."

She slipped an arm around my waist, and on instinct, I put my arm over her shoulder. She pressed close to me and held out a hand toward Elena. "My name is Ana."

Elena's eyebrows disappeared underneath her side swept bangs, and I saw her eyes scan Ana's tattoos and outfit. I tried to see what she was seeing, imagine what Ana must look like to someone who didn't know her. When I looked at her, all I saw was the black bra that showed through her ripped white shirt, and I decided it was better if I kept my eyes off her for the moment.

Elena shook Ana's hand, a little in shock.

John recovered faster. He greeted her, "Lovely to meet you, Ana."

When she heard John's accent, her eyes met mine, and I knew she had put the pieces together. She smiled up at me, and I tried to express my gratitude in a look. Her smile widened, so I thought she understood. "Ana, this is Elena Lincoln. We grew up together. And this is her boyfriend, John Flynn."

"It's so nice to meet friends of Christian." She nudged me playfully. "I was beginning to think he'd never introduce me. Did he invite you guys to see the show tonight?"

"Actually." Her band mate, the one with the punk bow tie, stepped up. "I invited them. John is a friend."

Ana said, "Oh, I didn't realize you knew Ethan."

This Ethan was looking between Ana and me like the world had spun off its axis. I didn't blame him. With me in my button down and her looking like a rock goddess, we didn't exactly match. He pinned me with a stare and said. "And you are?"

Ana jumped in. "This is Christian, my boyfriend. Don't act like I haven't been talking your ear off about him, Ethan."

"Right." Her friend nodded. "Christian."

I decided it was time to help Ana carry the burden and asked, "What did you think of the show?" I looked down at Ana and said, "She's pretty amazing, isn't she?"

She leaned up and placed a kiss on my cheek, no doubt leaving a print of her ruby red lips against my skin. I knew she was pretending, but damn she was good at it.

"It was-" Elena tore her eyes away from me and smiled at Ana, "It was awesome. You have a great voice."

John said, "How come you haven't introduced us to Ana before now, Christian?"

Ana answered, "Oh, well, we've not told many people. We wanted to take things slow, spend some time with just the two of us before broadcasting it to the world."

Elena smiled up at John and placed a hand against his chest. "We can definitely understand that."

My eyes zeroed in on the ring on her finger. They were getting married. I expected to feel some kind of pain, maybe longing, but those feelings never came. There was discomfort, sure, but if anything, seeing the ring on her finger only caused generic emotions, the same ones I felt every time another friend changed their marital status on Facebook or announced they were pregnant. It was the unsettling shock of feeling like everyone around me was moving at a speed I just couldn't match.

That was the first moment, standing there facing them with Ana by my side, that I really started to question what I'd felt for Elena. Shouldn't this hurt more? Or was I too distracted by Ana's body next to mine?

I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, seconds away from discovering a truth about myself that I didn't particularly want to learn.

Ana's hand around my waist squeezed tighter, and I tore my eyes away from the ring on Elena's hand. I cleared my throat and forced a smile. "I see she said yes."

John beamed, a smile so bright and happy that it was painful to look at. "She did."

"Did you get the invitation?" Elena said.

"I did."

There was a silence before she whispered, "You're coming right?"

I smiled and said, "Work is pretty busy at the moment. I'll try." She looked down and nodded, obviously upset.

"Congratulations." I said. "To both of you. I'm really happy for you."

Elena bit her lip, then gave me a soft smile. Her eyes went a little glassy. Her voice was soft when she said, "Thank you. That means a lot."

There was a beat. Another one of those moments that was a clear indicator of how far apart our lives were becoming. It wasn't the same anymore, and it would never be the same again. I didn't know about anyone else in the room, but I could tell Elena felt it.

Maybe it was because we were still in tune with each other, or that both of us could tell that something between us was changing. But I could see in her eyes that she knew, too. This was the end of a chapter.

We were moving in different directions, and every minute put us another mile apart. Regardless of what my feelings for Elena had been, there was too much history between us to ever go back to how we were. I'd thought that if I could just get over the pain, then everything else would fall back into place. Well, the pain was gone, but the rift it had caused between us remained.

Elena took an uneven breath, and pressed her lips together in a way that I knew meant she was trying not to cry. I took a page out of Ana's book and slowly inhaled and exhaled.

"Well, we should go clear our stuff from the stage." Ana said. "Christian, baby, do you think you could help? Our drummer had to leave."

I blinked and looked away from Elena. "Sure. Sure, I can do that."

I looked at John, then Elena, and said, "It was good to see you both. Congratulations again." I shook John's hand, and this time I gave Elena a real hug. She pressed her cheek into my chest, and her arms squeezed tight around my middle. She mumbled something that sounded like "I miss you." Then she let me go. She was blinking rapidly, but I could still see the tears gathering around the corners of her eyes.

"Goodbye, Elena."

I felt surprisingly numb, like a wound that had been cauterized. Maybe it would hurt more later. Or maybe I was just learning that even the good things from our pasts still only belonged in the past.

"Goodbye, Christian." There was something final about the way she said it, as if it was truly goodbye. I would see her again, but it wouldn't be the same.

Ethan walked the two of them out, and I was left alone with Ana. I took a deep breath and sunk back onto the couch.

Ana stood above me and said, "I don't even know what the hell just happened, and I'm depressed."

I laughed, which all things considered was far better than the variety of reactions I could have had. "It was depressing, wasn't it?"

"You okay, golden boy?"

I lifted my chin to look at her, and took the hand that was dangling by her side. I pressed a quick kiss to the back of it, and then let it fall back to her side. "Thank you for that. You didn't have to. And yes, I'm okay. Moving forward, right?"

"That is the goal, boyfriend."

"We're getting pretty good at pretending. Maybe you should be an actor, as well as a musician."

She laughed. "Not in a million years. I don't like acknowledging my own emotions. Why would I want to pretend to have more just for a lousy paycheck?"

"You don't seem to have any problem expressing emotions when you sing. You're pretty damn great at it, actually."

She looked away, uncomfortable, and said, "To each his own, I guess."

Time for a subject change. I stood, and tried to stretch some of that heavy, melancholy feeling out of my limbs. "Let's go pack up your stuff, angry girl."

"Oh, you don't have to help. I was just giving you an excuse."

"Don't be stupid. You know I'm going to help you."

"Yeah, I do."

I followed the sway of her hips across the room. She stopped when she got to the closed door, and turned around.

"I need to ask you something else. Do you want to grab a drink with me after we're done here?"

"A drink sounds like the best idea you've ever had." I smiled. "Though that isn't saying much, considering the kind of ideas I've seen from you."

I expected her to laugh. She didn't.

She just smiled and said, "Yeah right."

Ana POV

I convinced Christian that we should go to somewhere closer to where we both live so that we could just walk when the time came.

He said, "Fine by me. I was going to insist on walking you home anyway."

I laughed. "Of course you were, golden boy."

This also gave me the subway ride and the walk to my apartment to convince him to keep pretending to be my boyfriend.

He said, "So, I'm guessing you don't want to talk about your fight with Jose?"

I raised an eyebrow at him but didn't comment.

"I'm guessing you don't want to talk about that girl getting engaged?"

He sighed. "I guess that leaves your music. How long have you been playing?"

I buttoned my coat all the way up to help block out some of the cold. "Since I was little, but I started taking it seriously when my sister died."

It shocked me how easily that kind of thing fit into normal conversation with him. With anyone else it never would have come close to leaving my mouth.

"And when did you know that it was what you wanted to do for your career?"

I smiled, remembering. "The first time I was able to play a song all the way through from memory. That was the first time singing really transported me to a different place, you know? It was the best five minutes of my life. I forgot where I was, who I was, and I existed only in the music."

"I used to get that. I felt the same when I was onstage. I got to step out of my skin and be someone else for a while. I got to live someone else's problems, which usually get resolved in a much quicker and easier way than my own."

I'd never even had a friend that I could talk to like this. I'd lived so long as an island that I'd forgotten what it felt like to have this kind of connection.

"You ever get tired of being yourself, golden boy?"

"Sometimes, yeah. What about you?"

He was so honest. He made me want to be, too.

Inhale.

Exhale.

"All the time."

The silence between us was comfortable as we walked the neighborhood streets that lead to our subway stop. I studied the buildings around us, the uneven sidewalks, the lit up windows for apartments on the second and third floors. I'd walked these streets more times than I could remember, but I'd never really looked around me.

Life was funny like that.

I asked, "Do you think everyone feels that way? Or is there something wrong with us?"

He thought for a long moment, his boots scuffing against the sidewalk as he walked. "I think everyone does. Even happy people. They may not admit it to anyone, but I think they feel it. I think they close their eyes, or go for a run, or take a long shower, so that they can forget just for a second who they are and what they have to do day in and day out. Living is hard. And every day our feet get heavier and we pick up more baggage. So, we stop and take a breath, close our eyes, reset our minds. It's natural. As long as you open your eyes and keep going."

I watched him as he spoke. His eyes scanned the sky, and his breath puffed out as smoke in the cold air. He believed what he was saying. And that made it a little easier for me to believe it, too.

I should have asked him then, but he'd just given me this precious, perfect thought, and I wanted to hold on to it for as long as I could before I had to ruin it. We stayed silent for the one more block it took to reach the subway stop.

We waited about ten minutes for our train, still not saying a word. We sat together on a bench, sharing the silence, and it didn't feel awkward or unnatural. I didn't want to run or fill up the void or do anything other than what I was doing.

It was, nice.

When the train pulled in, we took two of the seats beside each other, and it felt so routine, like we'd been doing this for ages.

I said, "I have something to ask you, but I really don't want to."

He turned slightly, and his knees touched mine. "That sounds interesting."

"It's insane, actually."

He waited, and I tried to just spit it out, but really there was no good way to say it, so instead I buried my face in my hands. I groaned and said, "Money is stupid. It ruins everything."

He hummed. "I get your point. But really, you don't know how to complain about money until you have it."

I kept my eyes on him and smiled slightly. "You make a good point, golden boy."

"It's been a funny few years. Starting my own business with the intention of making some money, not a lot, and then ending up nearly being a millionaire by the age of twenty two."

My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open in shock. "You're nearly a millionaire? Just from your business?"

He glanced at me sideways and smirked, nodding.

"And to think I was going to offer to help you with your trip home for Christmas."

"I'm sorry, but I just don't think your boss would be okay with me taking over your dancing shifts at The Mile High Club." I laughed so hard that everyone else in the train car turned and looked at us.

"God, I would pay to see that."

He nudged my shoulder with his. "Hey, I'm a good dancer."

"How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Do I need to take you dancing to prove how awesome I am?"

I was tempted to say yes, to take him to the the Garage or some other place, and just lose myself in alcohol and the moving bodies. But I had to stay focused. For so many reasons.

"I'm taking a rain check on that offer, golden boy. But, I was serious about Christmas. My parents would have paid for everything had you not been an almost millionaire."

He kept smiling, even as his head tilted to the side and his brows furrowed. "I thought we were going to be broken up by then?"

"We were, but hell, I'm just going to say this. My parents were coming to Seattle to tell me it was time to stop singing, to move on and get a real job. They've been helping me with money stuff so that I had time to write and sing, but they were going to stop, until they met you. Apparently dating you is enough to make them believe I'm not a total fuck up, and they're willing to keep helping me out for a little while longer. But if I have to tell them we broke up, they're going to cut me off, and with the cost of living here and my debt, it will be almost impossible for me to keep going with the band. So, like a complete coward, I'm asking you to pretend to date me to keep my parents happy."

"Ana." His body shifted away from mine slightly. I turned to face him.

"I know it's crazy, but I promise it will just be a few days, just an appearance, and then you can leave and go home for the holidays with your family."

He placed his other hand on top of mine, and stared at me. "Ana, I want to help you, but you have to know how bad of an idea this is. You can't keep pretending for your parents. You'll only resent it. And you know that. You said to me that you stopped pretending to be someone you weren't. Don't you see that you're starting to swap one type of pretending for another?"

I felt sliced open, like he'd dissected my mind and my heart and laid it out for everyone to poke and prod. I told myself that I was going to change, that I had to stop pretending right before I dropped out of college, and he was right.

I hadn't changed at all.

I thought by leaving college I was putting all of that pretending behind me. I thought I had ripped out the roots of that old life and started fresh. Pretending for holidays and other meetings had seemed so insignificant, but it wasn't.

I'd grown right back into that same person.

And I hated that he could see that.

I ripped my hands out of his and stood, even though the train was still moving. "I didn't ask for a therapy session. I'm sorry I can't be as perfect as you are. Just forget about it."

We pulled into the station, and I walked to the other end of the car while I waited for the train to come to a complete stop. I heard him call my name as I stepped out onto the platform, but I didn't look back. He caught up to me on the stairs, but I kept going, taking the steps as fast as I could without falling.

"Ana, wait."

When I surfaced into the night air, his hand caught my elbow and turned me to him.

"Let me go, Christian."

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

He caught my other arm, and pulled me right up against him.

"I mean that we're not going to have a fight over this."

I said, "You don't get to just decide what we fight about."

"I'll do it, Ana."

I blinked and stared up at his face. His grey eyes locked on mine, and he wasn't joking. "Why? You just said-"

"-I think you have to stop pretending to be something you're not, yeah. Which is why I'll come to Christmas with you if you go as yourself, not as that tame, turtlenecked version of you. That's step one to stop pretending." My heart was beating so hard I could feel it up in my throat. My lungs felt far away, like they had sunk down into my stomach, and everything in me felt out of place.

"I'd still be lying about you. I'd still-"

"-So, it's baby steps. You knock out step one first, and let your parents get used to the idea of who their daughter is. Then you hit them with Jose."

Somehow, in all the chaos, I still managed to laugh. "I've thought about hitting them with something quite a few times actually."

His half smile snuck on his face again, and it made me feel a little steadier, a little less out of sorts. Somewhere in my freak out, his hands had worked their way up from my arms to my neck, and his fingertips now cradled my jaw.

He asked, "So what do you think? Are we a go for Operation Introduce Your Parents to the Real Ana?"

"More like Operation Give my Parents a Panic Attack, but yeah, we're a go."

"Excellent."

His thumb traced the line of my jaw, and a shiver raced up my spine. I swallowed and wet my lips. "Thanks," I said. "For everything. The walk. The talk. And you know, fake dating me."

He paused for a few seconds and then said, "You know, I seem to remember you promising me a real date the other day."

My heart thumped. I wanted him. I'd been attracted to him before, and now it had only grown. Tonight had been so perfect. He'd said all the right things, and made me think, and pushed me to be myself. Which is exactly why I didn't need to date him. My dating history was toxic, and he was the last person I wanted to taint. We could be friends. I'd needed a friend like him my entire life. He called me on my bullshit and made me less afraid.

And yet, when he looked at me and his skin touched mine, friendship was the last thing on my mind.

My phone buzzed, and I jumped at the chance to escape. I pulled away to answer it, but the name on the screen made me pause.

Jose.

The conversation with Christian had put me in a peaceful place that I didn't want to destroy. I hit ignore, but just seeing his name had ruined some of the luster of the evening.

It had been a long day, and all the emotions of it hit me all at once. Maybe all I needed was sleep. I asked Christian for a rain check on the drink, and he volunteered to walk me home. I was happy for the company because his presence kept my mind from dwelling on the things it shouldn't be dwelling on, like how things were spiraling out of control with Jose. And the rockier our relationship became, the more disruptive he was toward the band, which meant more than whatever was going on between us.

When we reached my block, Christian held open my apartment building door for me.

"Your landlord still hasn't fixed this lock?" He followed me up the stairs and said, "You should let him have it, angry girl. That's ridiculous. It's not safe to leave it like this where anyone can get in."

I kept climbing the stairs and smiled at him over my shoulder. "I know, some complete psycho could creep into my apartment while I sleep...naked."

We reached my floor and he said, "You're right. I could do that."

I laughed and gave him a playful push. His hands caught my arms, and he pulled me closer to him. My stomach felt like I'd just gone down the drop of a huge roller coaster. I bit my lip and he said, "Really though, please make your landlord take care of the door. If he doesn't, I will."

His face was stern, and it gave me goose bumps.

I tried to play off the way he affected me with humor. I rolled my eyes and said, "Yes, Master. Anything else you'd like to order me to do?"

His eyes darkened, and something contracted low in my belly. A whimper built in my throat, and I was seconds away from throwing myself at him when I heard someone call my name.

"Ana."

The clenching in my belly turned painful. Christian's hands loosened on my forearms, and I turned to face Jose.

He'd been sitting outside my door and was climbing to his feet. He lumbered down the hall, one hand on the wall to steady himself.

He was trashed.

I took a step away from Christian and asked, "Jose, what are you doing here?"

"Clearly not having as much fun as you are. You didn't waste any time, did you?"

His normally gorgeous features were twisted into something ugly. His nose scrunched up, and his lips pulled into a grimace.

"Jose, this is my friend, Christian. He came to see the show and walked me home."

He twisted the piercing in his eyebrow. "Right. You think I'm stupid, don't you?"

I sighed. "No, I think you're high."

He lurched toward me and said, "And I think you're a whore."

Christian moved in front of me. "Don't you dare talk to her like that."

I curled an arm around his elbow and tugged him back. "Don't bother, Christian. He's not good for the band, and he's not good for me. Consider yourself done with both, Jose."

He sauntered up to me. His eyes were red, and his pupils constricted. It was funny how attraction could live and die in an instant. Looking at him now, I didn't feel any of the heat that normally crackled between us. He stood there, high and angry, and I only felt relieved. I stared him down, and he scanned me from head to toe. He drew a thumb across his bottom lip, and said, "I was bored anyway."

I skipped straight past angry into repulsed. What a douchewaffle.

"Go pop some more pills, asshole."

He clipped Christian with his shoulder as he passed and snarled, "Enjoy the lousy lay, man."

"Son of a-"

I inhaled and curled my hands into fists. I went after him, but Christian's arms wrapped around my middle and took me captive. He held me back until Jose was long gone and my breathing was under control. As angry as I was, and as much as I wanted to follow Jose down the stairs and give him a swift kick to the balls, part of me was also thankful. I felt like a bird loose from a cage.

I faced Christian, and he looked even more enraged than I had been.

That guy had the self control of a saint.

I smiled and said, "How about you show me those dance moves after all?"

I was free. Time to fly.

 **Hi guys! So a lot of you guessed Elena and you were right! I know Elena's very different to the one in the books, they are the same age and she's actually a nice person, makes a change thought right? I hope you enjoyed it and as always please keep reviewing and tell me what you think!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	14. Chapter 14

Christian POV

I was torn.

Part of me wanted to tell her it wasn't a good idea, that she should take the night to cool off and think. Another part of me was already thinking of how she would look on the dance floor. And then in the back of my mind was the tempting thought that I should take her into her apartment and prove that she was anything but lousy.

As usual, the responsible choice won out.

"Ana, it's been a long day. Are you sure you don't want to do something a little less-"

She cut me off. "I want to dance, golden boy. I can do that with or without you." She turned that killer pout on me and added, "Though being alone really isn't the safest option." She batted her eyes and smiled. She already knew she'd won.

"When I blow your mind with my dance moves, I expect an apology."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me down the stairs after her. "We'll see who blows whose mind."

We hailed a cab and headed north, into my area of the city. We pulled up outside what looked like an abandoned warehouse in a less than stellar neighborhood. This is not somewhere I would usually go to dance my troubles away.

I asked her, "Did you want to dance or get murdered?"

I paid the cab driver and slid out of the car. Ana grabbed my hand and started tugging me toward the warehouse.

"Relax, golden boy. I think you'll like this place."

I liked her. Too much for my own good.

I could feel the vibrations from the music before we even entered the building. It didn't look like your typical club. There were couches and artwork painted onto the walls that made it feel like a cross between a friend's apartment and a graffitied street corner. A lot of buildings around the city were covered in murals that spanned multiple stories. There was similar art on the walls here, but it was smaller, and up close you could see all the detail work.

Ana said, "Welcome to the Garage."

This place pulsed with the same vibrancy that came from Ana's every word and movement. It matched her. So yeah, she was right. I liked it. It didn't feel like normal clubs that were packed tight and reeked of sweat with modern, upscale fixtures. This place had a heartbeat all its own. It had soul.

I turned my eyes back to one of the murals on the wall. It was all black and white and showed people singing and others dancing. It was simple, no color, no frills. But it was beautiful.

Ana leaned up to my ear. "My boss at the tattoo parlor did that back when this place opened. He's also the one that did this."

Tattoo parlor. That explained the abundance of art on her body.

She pulled the neck of her shirt down to reveal smooth skin, tattooed branches, and enough cleavage to make my mouth go dry.

"Lucky guy."

Someone shouted Ana's name, and I turned to see her jogging over to one of the bartenders. When I caught up he was saying, "Sorry I missed the show tonight, but..." He held up the drink he was mixing and shrugged.

"It was a good one." I said.

Ana beamed, and the bartender looked between us like he didn't quite understand how we fit together.

His eyebrows were still halfway up his forehead when he said, "I'll try and make the next one. You kids have a good night." He poured us two shots on the house, and then turned to the people next to us for their order. Ana used her elbows to heft herself up on the bar and gave him a smacking kiss on his cheek. She didn't look like a girl who'd just broken up with her boyfriend.

At the moment though, her long legs had my full attention. She looked over her shoulder and caught me staring. As she slid down off the bar, she didn't seem to mind. In fact, her smile only widened.

"You ready to be amazed, angry girl?"

If her smile as she led me upstairs was any indication, I might have to change her nickname. Going up the stairs behind her could give any straight man a heart attack. Her red high heels gave way to toned calves, glorious thighs, and short leopard print shorts that enhanced her curves. Somewhere out there was an ex-boyfriend with her likeness tattooed somewhere on his body. She was the kind of sexy that begged to be memorised.

Upstairs was more crowded than the section we'd just left, but there were still couches and mismatched furniture that gave it the same relaxed vibe. There was the main dance floor, and then a second one that was raised up a few feet and featured people freestyling while a crowd cheered them on.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I was getting accustomed to interpreting her breathing. There was the "I'm about to breathe fire" inhale, the "anything involving her mother" inhale, and my personal favorite, the "just been kissed" inhale. As she entered the dance floor, though, her breath was reminiscent of the way she sang. She was relaxed here. Her arms snaked above her head, and her ripped white tee raised to show a strip of skin above her shorts. The last time I'd seen her lower back, it had been covered in bandages and bruises. Now, more than a week later, only the faintest hint of healing scratches remained behind. From here, her skin looked smooth, and I could see the dimples at the bottom of her spine.

A few people slid between us, and I missed the view. She turned, and her eyes found mine. She crooked a finger at me and smiled.

That was the moment I knew for sure that I hadn't been in love with Elena. I couldn't have been. Because at that moment, nothing could have kept me from going to Ana, not even if Elena had been on the other side calling me, too. I moved through the crowd until she was in my reach. She was twisting and turning and singing along to a song I'd never heard. She ran her hands down her sides to her thighs, and one side of her tee slipped over her shoulder. I wanted to replace the hands on her thighs with my own.

"I'm waiting, golden boy!"

Watching her was appealing, but touching her was irresistible. She was even more electric than the music that pulsated around us. I stepped forward right when she rolled her body from her chest down through her hips. When she went to repeat the move, I matched her. Our chests brushed, and she bit her lip.

Ana danced the same way she sang, with complete abandon. I just followed her, keeping our bodies close and matching her movements. She tossed her hair and started to circle around me.

The music changed to something a little slower. I slipped a hand around her waist and pulled her into me. Our hips locked together, and I placed a hand on her hip to guide her into a circular motion. My thigh fitted between hers and hers between mine until we were as close as we could possibly get. She rolled her body to one side, and I leaned the opposite direction.

The air around us was warm and sticky with sweat. She rocked her hips into mine, and I had to clench my teeth to keep in a groan. Moving with her was amazing, but every once in a while she would move in a way I didn't expect. Our hips were so tightly pressed that the friction her movements had me seeing stars.

I pressed her backward, and with zero hesitation and no self consciousness, she dropped her head and body backward in a dip. I kept her steady with an arm around her waist. With her body leaned back, I got a clear view of her tight stomach, the black bra beneath her white shirt, and the delicate column of her neck. I couldn't resist reaching out and running my hand from the front of her throat around the back. I cradled her neck in my hand, and used it to propel her back up to me. She wrapped both arms around my neck, so that her chest was pressed tightly against mine. I simplified our movements because being pressed against her was better than any dance move that would have moved us apart.

I could feel the sweat collecting on my skin, and it glistened on hers, too. I kept one hand curved around her neck and the other ran in a loop from her thigh up to her rib cage. I sighed, wishing that I could freeze this moment, wishing that we were somewhere else. Her face was level with my neck, and her forehead pressed into my jaw. Her breath on my neck was an exquisite torture.

I thought briefly about this being an unwise decision, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I knew from the first time I saw her with Jose that they meant nothing to each other. There was no gravity between them, not like there was between us. No matter how hard we tried to keep ourselves apart, we always wound up right back here.

I thought I had that kind of pull with Elena, but now I could see that I was wrong. We would have been perfect together, another notch in my pursuit of the "perfect" life. That's what I was in love with, not my friend. Elena had been exactly what I thought I'd wanted. A friendship evolved into something more. Loving and kind. Sweet and safe.

Ana scared me shitless.

And it was so much better.

I could finally say that the past was the past, and the present was so much more appealing. I slid my hand on her neck up until her hair threaded between my fingertips. Her arms tightened around my neck, and her lips brushed my jaw.

I stiffened for a second, worried that I was making the wrong choice.

Almost as if she could hear my thoughts and was trying to shut them up, her teeth grazed my skin, followed by a firm press of her lips.

If this was a mistake, it was the best one I'd ever made.

Ana POV

I followed his lead and slipped my fingertips into the curls at the base of his scalp. His other hand slid from my hip to the small of my back and snuck underneath my tee. His hands pressed into my skin, and I was taken back to the night he'd treated my injuries, and how badly I had wanted to do this then.

His face tipped down toward mine, and he breathed, "Ana."

There was hesitancy in his voice, and I knew what he was thinking. He was about to get noble. He was going to pull some shit about this not being good for me or me needing time or whatever. He was overthinking something that was so simple.

So I made it simpler for him.

I shifted up on my toes and kissed him.

His resistance must have been thin, because he was kissing me back immediately. The hand under my shirt slid farther up my back until his fingers met my bra strap. He used that arm to pull me up onto my tiptoes. It lined up our hips perfectly, and I moaned into his mouth.

He kissed like he lived, perfectly. His mouth searched mine feverishly, like he needed to taste every part of me. Oh how I had underestimated tender kisses. This kiss was a slow burn that had me squirming against him, ready to beg for more. He placed a light peck on my mouth, and then nipped my bottom lip. His mouth pressed harder against mine, and the kiss built into something fierce and addicting.

Even though I didn't want to, I broke away to breathe. His lips dropped to my neck instead, where he kissed and bit and sucked, driving me wild. All the feeling in my body was concentrated on the area where our bodies intersected, so that the rest of me felt weak and lifeless by comparison. My legs shook, and for the second time, he was the only thing holding me together.

Last time it had been because I was in pain.

The only pain I felt now came from the ache in the pit of my belly that wanted more. I pulled his head up from my neck and pressed my forehead to his.

I wondered if my eyes looked as dilated as his. There was a good chance that he would say no, but I was too far gone to care about rejection.

"You said you lived close to here?"

I'd been prepared for a fight. I thought he would shoot me down, but his eyes searched my face for a few seconds, which was a few seconds too long for my liking.

Then he nodded, and my uterus did the butterfly or possibly the moonwalk.

I kissed him again because I could. I'd meant it to be quick, but his hands cupped my face, and he kissed me hard. I fisted my hands in his shirt and prayed that he lived extremely close.

When he broke away, his voice was husky. "I can't say no to you."

Perfect.

"Then don't."

The elevator to Christian's apartment clicked shut behind me, and I leaned back against it. The metal was cool against my back, and I shivered. My heart thumped radically in my chest. I felt like my blood had been replaced with Red Bull. He stepped toward me, and I felt feverish.

I searched his eyes, and my stomach dipped like I was falling.

I hadn't even been this nervous my first time.

I hadn't been this nervous ever.

He fixed his eyes on me, and desire outweighed my fears. The way he looked at me made my skin sing with electricity. It wasn't just that he made me feel attractive. Any guy on the street with wandering eyes or a good whistle could do that. He made me feel special, which sounded so damn cheesy that I could choke. It was true though. I knew myself better by knowing how he saw me. He erased the doubt and the fear and the anger. He made me feel like the melody instead of the accompaniment.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

I couldn't quite get a handle on his expression. It was full of wanting, but whether he wanted me to say yes or no was unclear. I had no problem adding a little clarity to the situation. Rather than answering with words, I reached down and pulled the white tee up over my head.

His eyes followed my shirt to the floor. Then he took his time scanning from my heels up to my face. He crossed to me, and I pressed back against the elevator door, needing the support. My whole body tensed in anticipation, but he kept nearly a foot of space between us. He plucked the strap of my bra between his fingertips, and his knuckles grazed my skin. The air in my lungs started to burn. He began to slide the strap over my shoulder, and then seemed to change his mind. His eyes met mine instead, and he gave a dark half smile. Then he said, "Take it off."

The breath rushed from my chest, and I was so turned on that my fingers went numb. He leaned one arm on the door next to me, so that when I reached behind my back, my chest brushed his softly. I kept my head tilted back so that I could see his face. He was so close, but too far, and the longer he stayed there the more uneven my breathing became. I fumbled with the clasp, unable to force my fingers to cooperate. I was ready to rip it off when the clasp finally came undone, and the straps fell from my shoulders. I leaned back against the wall, and let my bra drop to join my shirt. The door behind me was cold against my overheated skin, and the peaks of my breasts hardened.

His right index finger touched the skin just above my belly button, and my muscles tensed on instinct. He'd found one of the roots to my tree tattoo, and his light touch followed it until it met up with another line. He followed that line down to my hip, and then back up to the hollow of my rib cage. He took his time, tracing each line, and his touch was so soft that goose bumps rose up on my skin. He danced over the sensitive skin on my ribs, and I sucked in a breath.

He made a sound low in his throat in response, and I was going to sink into a heap of hormones and arousal if he kept at this. Finally his attention turned to the trunk of the tree that grew up in the valley between my breasts. I arched my back, desperate for him to touch me somewhere more substantial. He used two fingers to push on my sternum and pressed me back against the wall.

"Patience, angry girl."

I groaned, and he smiled.

"You don't know how much I've thought about this tattoo. I want to memorize it so that every time I close my eyes I can see the way it accentuates your body."

For the briefest of seconds, both of his hands cupped my breasts, and I moaned in response. But then he slid his hands up to my shoulders, and held me back against the door.

He placed a kiss on my puckered frown and said, "I promise to pay this much attention to every part of you."

It was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, to stand there, still and silent, as he traced each branch. The tree spanned my chest, but always stopped a few inches shy of where I really wanted his touch. I wanted to grab his hands and move them myself, but I liked him being in control too much.

When he finished, my skin was flushed and my breath heavy. My knees grew weak, and my hands clutched at the metal behind me. Our eyes met, and his lids were heavy and his pupils dark. I felt intoxicated. Everything in the world but him was blurry. Everything in the world but him disappeared.

"Beautiful." He whispered.

A "please" slipped from my mouth, and he rewarded me by pulling me forward until my chest pressed against his. It was good, but he was still clothed so it wasn't enough. I reached greedy fingers toward the bottom of his shirt, and he lifted it over his head for me.

He loomed over me, one hand perched on the wall on either side of me. It was reminiscent of the night he'd kissed me outside of The Mile High Club but the view was so much better this time. His chest was broad and tanned, and gave way to rippling lines of muscle on his abdomen. But my hands went straight for the V of muscle that started above his hips and disappeared down into his jeans.

Jose had been fit, but on the skinny side.

Christian was, God, he should just stop wearing clothes altogether. I would fully support that. A little impatient, I slipped a finger under the waistband of his jeans and tugged him forward. The first touch of his skin on mine was like lightning. I could feel the charge between us building.

After that, slow became a thing of the past.

His mouth crushed down onto mine. His hands left the door to tangle in my hair, and my back hit the wall with a loud thud. There was nothing sweet or delicate about this kiss. The guy who'd traced the lines on my skin was replaced with someone hungry and desperate. It was so, carnal. His hands held me in place as his lips conquered mine. I gave myself up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

He released my hair, and I whimpered at the loss, but then his hands found my thighs. He bent his knees and curved his fingers around the back of my legs. He lifted, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I clenched my arms and legs around his body, and I could feel the length of him pressed up against my crotch. My breath caught in my throat, and his hips bucked into mine. My lower back hit the door again, and I was happily trapped. His tongue traced my collarbone, and I fisted my hands in his hair. He cupped my behind and kept our hips locked tightly together.

His mouth moved down my chest, but he was too tall to reach where both of us wanted him to be. There was a long dining table to the right, and he spun and laid me down across the top. Then he bent and took the tip of one of my breasts into his mouth.

I cried out and arched up into him. His hands slipped beneath my back, and kept me there, my body arched up toward his mouth. He flicked his tongue over my nipple, and then traced a branch on my tree to the other side. The tension in my belly was so strong that I was going to fall apart from this alone.

I used my legs around his waist to pull his hips to mine and begged, "Please." Christian ignored me and continued pressing kisses across my chest. I forced his face up to mine and said, "I thought you weren't able to say no to me?"

He ducked and placed a quick kiss on my sternum and said, "I'm not done exploring this part of you."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him up so his chest aligned with mine. "Explore that part of me later."

His smile was so damn sexy.

"I like the sound of that, but I also like hearing you beg." I pulled his face to mine and covered his mouth with mine.

Between kisses I whispered against his lips, "I like you when you're a little less golden."

He pulled me up off the table, so that we stood in the middle of his foyer with my legs wrapped around his waist. For once, this put me looking down at him. I pushed some of the curls off his forehead and gazed down at him.

He was beautiful in a way I wasn't accustomed to. I'd been with plenty of attractive guys, but he was different. He was movie star gorgeous. Untouchable. Just to squash that thought, I touched my fingers to his lips. He was mine for tonight at least, and I was sure as hell going to enjoy it.

"I want you." I murmured. "How many times are you going to make me say please?"

He turned and started moving towards a corridor that I hoped led to his bedroom.

"I think that one did the trick."

This was it. It's finally happening between us.

 **Hi guys! I know this has been long winded, but I have to tell you they're not getting together just yet, I have a few more tricks up my sleeve:)**

 **Sophie x**


	15. Chapter 15

Christian POV

She looked so good spread out on my bed. I hadn't had nearly my fill of kissing her, but I was just as impatient as she was. She released her legs from my waist, and I knelt on the bed between them. I reached for the button on her shorts and slid them and her tights down her legs. Her hips were perfect. Her legs were perfect. And the black underwear that matched her previously discarded bra were pretty damn perfect, too.

Something devious glinted in her eye, and she pushed on my abs until I stepped off the bed. Then she kneeled at my feet, and unbuttoned my jeans. Whatever blood was still left in the rest of my body rushed south. I fisted my hands at my sides to try to stay in control, but when my jeans and boxers hit the floor it was a lost battle. Her mouth was heaven and hell all at the same time, and the tables of control turned so fast that my head was spinning.

"God, Ana."

I groaned and laced my fingers into her lilac curls. I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted more. Part of me wanted to take our time, while the rest of me wanted to screw going slow. There would be time for all this later.

It was torture pushing her back, but I just couldn't wait any longer. I pulled her up to stand in front of me, and slid her underwear down over her hips. She was so gorgeous that it hurt to breathe. She sat on the bed and scooted back toward the pillows. I wanted to follow, but I made myself stop and grab a condom from my nightstand. Then I crawled toward her until my body hovered above hers. I hesitated, knowing how powerful the press of our bodies would be. Her eyes were closed in anticipation, and she was biting her kiss swollen bottom lip. I pressed my lips against hers and sucked that bottom lip into my mouth before lowering myself into her.

I started slow, mostly because I was trying to memorize the way she felt around me. I hated that she'd been with that asshole, Jose. I hated that he'd seen her like this, but I was happy to know that she was mine now. I took her hands from around my neck, and laced our fingers together. I pressed her palms down into the mattress at the same time that I rocked my hips into hers. Her mouth opened in a silent cry, and she tilted her head back. I wanted to hear her, so I did it again, harder.

She bit her lip, and let out the smallest whimper. Each time I pressed into her, her reaction was a little less concealed. I ran my hands from her knees, down her sweat slicked legs, to the curve of her ass. I snapped my hips forward and pushed up on her hips at the same time. She twisted and arched beneath me, moaning my name. The sound of it nearly pushed me over the edge, but I made myself slow down.

"Ana."

Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked at me from under half lowered lashes. I pressed a kiss to her forehead, and then rocked my hips again. Her eyes closed, and I slowed my movements again.

"Eyes open. Look at me, Ana."

She whimpered but did as I said. The next thrust made my vision go spotty, and though her body arched underneath mine, and she tried to tug her hands free from my grasp, she kept her eyes open.

There was too much pleasure, too much want, too much beauty beneath me. There was too much everything. The world seemed to expand to accommodate the power of that moment. Something shifted between us, it was small, but we ceased to be whatever we had been before and became something new.

I saw the same wonder in her eyes that I felt in my chest.

Then I saw the fear chasing on its heels.

I saw her start to close off, and knew I needed to do something. I took hold of her hips and flipped us over so that she was on top, so that she was in control.

Her eyes were closed, and when she opened them that flicker of fear was gone. She smiled and pressed her palms into my abdomen. She shifted her hips over mine, and breathed. "I had a dream about you like this once."

Damn.

It was my turn to groan, and the thought of her dreaming about me was so sexy that I had to grasp her hips and still them until I got myself under control. She leaned over and kissed me. The press of her breasts against my bare chest didn't do anything to help me, but it was too good to push her off. After a minute, I lifted my hands and let her move again. She sat up and raised her arms above her head to tangle in her hair.

The sight of her like that was the most erotic thing I'd ever seen, and I didn't think I would forget it as long as I lived. It also made it hard to hold on. I slid my hand to where our bodies met to help her along, and she slammed her hips down hard on mine in response.

If I were an artist, I would paint her just like this. She reminded me of the spirits and nymphs that were in so many of Shakespeare's plays. She was wild and free and inhumanly beautiful. The only other time I'd seen her this vibrant was when she was onstage.

Her legs squeezed around my hips, and her hands dropped back to my chest. Her fingernails scraped down my stomach, and I bucked up into her. She threw her head back, and I pressed my fingers harder against her. Then she moaned, and my world was awash in color and heat and- God, she was so tight.

Her eyes met mine, and they shone dark and glassy. I sat up and held her to my chest. Her body convulsed around mine, and I pressed my forehead against hers as I gave in to the pull.

I don't know how long we stayed there, wrapped around each other, foreheads pressed together, gaze locked. It could have been minutes or years. All I knew was that I never wanted to move. Our bodies fit perfectly together, like a lock to a key. I kissed her, soft and slow. I didn't want to think past the feel of her skin or the curve of her hips or the smell of her hair. But for now, I would settle for lying side by side with her in my arms.

Ana POV

I was relaxed and numb and glorious.

Until I wasn't.

Until the glow faded, and I was bombarded with all the thoughts that my mind had been too preoccupied to think before. His arms were tight around me, secure and comforting and caging all at once.

Sex had never been like that for me. It had always been about bodies and sensations and simplicity. Sex with Christian was confusing. It was adding one plus one and getting an answer that wasn't two. It was more than it should have been, and it threw my world off balance.

Christian got up to go to the bathroom, and I slipped my panties back on, and then went to the foyer room to hunt for my shirt. Christian's place was the opposite of mine. I hadn't noticed how big it was when I was first here, I was too wrapped up in my lust for him to care. It was huge. The foyer alone was bigger than my living room and kitchen put together. Of course it was, he was nearly a millionaire. And he was Christian. And Christian was perfect. His place felt homey. It felt nice and comforting, just like him.

Unease flitted around my chest, but I pushed it down. I tiptoed back to Christian's room, and my nerves started to rattle. I stared at the rumpled sheets on his bed and just couldn't make myself get back inside it. Christian was wonderful. Mind blowingly wonderful. Tonight had been one of the most intense moments of my life.

But that was the problem.

We'd known each other ten days. I looked at the clock, and it read 3:00 A.M. Make that eleven days, but still, eleven days. There at the end, he'd looked at me in a way that no other man ever had. I couldn't even put into words what that look had done to me.

It wrecked me, completely.

It was so honest and raw that it made the rest of my life feel fake and insignificant in comparison. Everything was changing too fast. Even now, thinking about it, I felt like something in me was disintegrating faster than I could hold it together.

I jumped when Christian's arms wrapped around my middle. His chest pressed into my back, and he placed a few kisses down the side of my neck. His touch was almost enough to deflate my worries, but they stayed there, lurking at the back of my throat, making it harder to breathe. Even so, my body was at ease with his. I leaned back into his arms.

His lips hovered next to my ear, and he whispered, "Have I told you how gorgeous you are?"

I swallowed. "Not in a few minutes."

"Mmm." The scruff on his jaw tickled the sensitive skin of my neck and he said, "As long as you know."

He was too good for me. That much was abundantly clear. He was sweet and thoughtful and generous in every way. He never missed an opportunity to reassure me or compliment me or touch me. I wasn't used to that kind of affection. I shied away from it in every other part of my life, but coming from him I soaked it up like rain on the ground.

I was tired of thinking, so I turned in his arms and wrapped myself up in his embrace. His chest was still bare, but he'd slipped on a pair of pajama pants that hung low on his hips. I pressed my cheek to his chest and looked down. Seeing our bare feet facing each other pulled something in my chest, and my breath caught in my throat. The intimacy of this embrace made me panic, but at the same time, the thought of moving out of it was painful.

He tugged me down onto the bed and pulled the covers over us. I concentrated on breathing normally as he slipped an arm over my waist. He reached over me to turn off the lamp beside the bed. In the dark, he pressed a kiss to the back of my neck, and I shivered.

I felt like crying.

I just, this wasn't my life. Things like this didn't happen to me, and if they did, it never lasted. Girls like me didn't get guys like Christian.

Maybe it would take a week, maybe less, but I would end up screwing this up. It was what I did. The only thing I was better at than destroying things was singing, and with my behavior today, I was beginning to realize I was in danger of destroying that, too.

More than anything, I didn't trust myself. With Jose I'd been obsessed with him a few weeks ago. I liked him enough to go through this elaborate scheme just to keep my parents from scaring him off. Then boom, I woke up and couldn't care less about our relationship.

That was how I worked. Or rather, how I didn't work.

I couldn't do that to Christian. What if we got together, and I woke up one day and wanted out? I liked him more than I liked myself, so I'd probably end up sacrificing my own happiness to keep from hurting him. It would be just like all the years I played at being Kate to keep my parents happy. But instead of blond curls and cheerleading, it would likely mean kids and a Volvo.

I may not have been the most self aware person in the world, but I knew enough to know that if I let myself care about him, I would sabotage my life to better his.

Or I would sabotage it all just because I could.

Or maybe I wouldn't have to sabotage it. Christian was obviously getting over that Elena girl. Now, she, she made sense with him in a way I never would. What if being with me was just a phase, an overcorrection after things didn't work out with her?

How long would it take for him to realize that I wasn't really what he wanted? And how badly would it hurt when he did?

I felt sick from my stomach to my soul.

I waited until Christian's breathing evened out, and I was certain that he was asleep. Then I slipped out of his arms and slipped on my shorts. I'd only wanted a little space to think, to breathe. But the minute he was no longer touching me, my blood pumped faster, singing run, run, run with every beat. I looked back at him, the hard lines of his body, the relaxed expression on his face, and I did just that.

I grabbed my heels and my purse and pressed the elevator button, constantly checking behind me to see if he was there. It was nearly four in the morning. I couldn't walk home alone, but I couldn't stay either. I was minutes away from a meltdown of ugly proportions.

So, I called Ethan to pick me up. Despite the late hour, he answered on the second ring. I sighed in relief at hearing his voice, and tears pricked at my eyes.

Shit.

"Ethan, I'm so sorry, but can you come pick me up?"

His voice was groggy, but he didn't hesitate before he said, "Yeah. Yeah, of course. Where are you?"

I gave him the street name, and he told me he'd be here in about ten minutes. Not before making a big deal about how Escala was the most expensive set of apartments in Seattle. I ended the call and pressed the phone to my chest.

I knew what I was doing was awful, but if I was preventing a bigger tragedy did that make it so terrible?

I needed to stick with my intuition. Christian deserved better than me. And I couldn't give him what he needed. He needed a girl who could commit to him with the same care that he gave her. That wasn't me. I was broken and patched and missing pieces. I couldn't give him all of me, because I didn't even have that. There was a piece of me still on that highway, a piece of me buried with my sister. I'd left shards all over this city, and he didn't deserve to have to clean up that mess.

And he wouldn't want to, not when the lust wore off and he got a good look at the girl he'd caught. Then he'd see me for what I really was, toxic. And he would want nothing to do with me.

I sat in the lobby of his apartment and avoided the judgemental eyes of the woman behind the desk. I must have looked like a hooker in her eyes. I wrapped my arms around my middle. The muscles in my body were tense, once again trying to hold myself together by sheer force. I remember the way his arms had wrapped around me tonight and that time on Thanksgiving when he'd been the one to hold me together.

And I lost it. My vision swam with tears, and I held my breath, like that would keep the tears at bay, too. I shuddered and pressed my face into my knees. For the first time in nine years, the first time since Kate, I couldn't push the tears down. I couldn't control them. I cried. I sobbed. The emotions ripped free from my chest, taking pieces of me with it.

It was four in the morning. If I couldn't cry now, when could I?

So, I let the guilt wash over me, and I said goodbye to something beautiful and terrifying and delicate that I'd held in my soul for a few short hours. I said goodbye to something that should never have been mine.

The automatic doors opened and I looked up. I tried to wipe my eyes, but I was too far gone and not fast enough. Christian's brother Elliot and a pretty blond girl were at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at me. I ducked my head and hoped he wouldn't see me and recognise me. The girl walked, or rather stumbled towards me, and I prayed that she was only looking for a seat.

"Excuse me." She slurred, "Are you ok?"

I looked up at her and she smiled as best she could, but it ended up kind of looking like she had trapped wind. Elliot wrapped an arm around her waist and went to pull her away when he saw me.

"Go wait in the elevator for me baby." He whispered in her ear and she giggled, strolling off. He sat down beside me but remained silent.

I pressed my lips together and tried to concentrate on breathing.

"It's Ana, right?"

I didn't think I could speak without crying, so I nodded instead.

His eyes took in my appearance, and I knew I must have looked like a complete wreck. He sighed. "Did you at least leave a note?"

I looked at him in shock.

"What? You're out here at four in the morning, crying, with major sex hair. It doesn't take much to put two and two together. All I'm asking is if you told him why?"

God, I didn't think I could feel lower than I already did.

Wrong.

My phone buzzed. Ethan.

I knew it was terrible, but I wasn't changing my mind. I looked at Elliot and shook my head.

"Tell him I'm sorry. And that he deserves so much better than an angry girl who can't stop pretending."

Then I ran, leaving behind the best thing that could never happen to me.

I stayed in bed the next day until the sun was on its way down again.

He didn't call.

It wasn't that I wanted him to, but, I wanted him to. I really wanted him to. I just thought, I don't know what I'd thought.

He let people go. He'd told me that. He didn't fight for the last girl, and he wouldn't fight for me. If I was honest, a small, terrified part of me had been counting on that. If he came for me, I didn't think I would be able to say no. And this was for the best. I had to believe that or I'd never be able to get out of bed again.

I was saving us both.

So I kept busy, passing the time as best as I could.

I hadn't told Mom and Dad anything about "breaking up" with Christian. It didn't matter anyway. By the time I'd battled off the depression enough to call my mom, they'd already booked both of our flights.

I would tell them something when I got there, he was sick or a family emergency or something. Hell, maybe I'd just tell them the truth.

What did it matter anymore?

I didn't have that much longer until I left for Georgia, and this all came crashing down. The important thing was squeezing in as much rehearsal time as possible before then, especially now that we had to find a new drummer to replace Jose.

Music was what mattered now. The only thing that mattered.

 **Hi guys! I know and I'm sorry! But there's a lot more to come until they get together. I feel like a bitch for doing this but my Ana is a lot different from the one in the book. Sorry again and please don't hate me!**

 **Sophie x**


	16. Chapter 16

Christian POV

The bed was cold when I rolled over, and already I had a sinking feeling. I didn't know if it was how quiet she was as we went to sleep or the way she'd clung to me in that hug, but I just knew something wasn't right. Though she'd lay right beside me, she'd felt miles away. Even so, I got up and checked the bathroom.

Empty.

I tried the living room and the kitchen.

Empty.

I called her name, and it only echoed back at me.

Empty.

That was how I felt, too. I sat on the bed, numb, but not really surprised. I should have listened to what my brain had been telling me all along. It was obvious just from looking at Ana that we came from different worlds. I was naive to think she could ever be happy with someone like me. And I was naive to think it had only been physical attraction. It was so much more than that. All I knew was that I was pretty damn tired of having my heart handed to me in a blender.

Eventually the emptiness was filled up by anger, and I ripped the sheets off my bed and threw them down. They still smelled like her, and I refused to let her linger in my life the way I'd done with Elena. If she didn't want me, fine.

I was probably dodging a bullet anyway.

I stayed calm as I stripped the bed. I grabbed a laundry basket and dumped the dirty clothes already in it to make room for the sheets. I checked the clock.

7:21 a.m.

That wasn't too early to go to the Laundromat. I had a washing machine but I hadn't the foggiest how to use it.

The sooner she was out of my life the better. I had to keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other.

But where was the damn detergent?

It wasn't in the bathroom, where I normally kept it.

I needed to get someone here. A housekeeper or something.

I checked the kitchen and my closet, and all the while the muscles in my neck and back grew tenser until they were as hard and unforgiving as stone.

I searched my bedroom, but instead of finding detergent, I found Ana's sheer black tights.

I stared at them while my control unraveled. I wanted to throw them in the trash. I wanted to return them. I wanted to keep them. I was a mess of wants, none of which mattered, because she didn't want me. I'm not sure she even knew what she wanted.

I picked up the lamp beside my bed and threw it against the wall. I watched it shatter, and wished I had the satisfaction of seeing myself break that way. It was worse, when you couldn't see or touch the part of you that was in pieces.

The anger only made me feel worse. It gave way to guilt too easily, and after a few days, I was left feeling even emptier than before.

Over the next week, I didn't spend much time at home. I couldn't. Every time I touched my door, laid something on my table, or slept in my bed, I saw her. I could still smell her on my pillow even after washing my sheets. Or maybe the memory was so ingrained that I thought I could. I saw her behind my closed eyes while I tried to sleep at night. So I stayed away from home as much as possible. One night with her had tainted it.

I put in more hours at my office. I spoke to my interns in person. I gave lectures at local business classes. I spent so much time at work that I secured a two and a half million dollar deal. I had hit that millionaire mark, and I wasn't even happy about it. I tried to fill my mind with enough things so that there wasn't any room for her. That was the plan at least, but Ana was larger than life and tended to beat out the other stuff no matter how hard I tried.

Near the end of the week, I came home to find Elliot sitting on my couch, eating a bag of my potato chips. I hadn't told Elliot what happened because I didn't want to relive it more than I already had.

I said, "You know, I gave you the code for emergencies, not so that you could come in here and mooch my food."

He swallowed the colossal amount of chips in his mouth and said, "Where the hell have you been all week, Grey?"

I threw my bag in a chair and shrugged off my coat. If he was going to try to get me to some bar or club or anything, I wasn't up for it. I headed to the kitchen and said noncommittally, "Ive been at work, Grey." He stood and followed me into the kitchen.

"You all right?"

I opened the cabinet to get a glass, and said, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

"I saw her, Christian."

My whole body tensed, and I nearly dropped the glass I'd gotten from the cabinet. I took a deep breath and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of wine.

I let the fridge block my face as I asked, "Her?"

"Quit bullshitting, Christian. Be real with me."

My hand shook as I poured the wine.

"What? We had sex. She left. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal? I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning."

I sighed. "What do you want me to say?"

I took a drink and set my glass on the counter.

He shrugged. "Well, you could start by telling me how it was."

I saw red, and was halfway across the room before he cried, "Whoa, man! Kidding!" My ears were roaring, and Elliot was standing behind the island with an arm stretched out between us. "I think I've proved my point about this being a big deal."

I exhaled slowly and rubbed a hand across my face.

"You want me to say I'm miserable? Fine. I'm miserable. Are you going to make me take some more dumbass shots? Because that's not going to cut it. Just drop it."

Elliot whistled. "It's about time you got angry."

"And getting angrier by the second."

He asked, "Did you go after her?"

I took a deep inhale and exhale, but that only made me think of Ana.

"No, I didn't go after her. What's the point?"

"The point is to call her on her bullshit like I'm doing for you."

I shook my head. "I think her leaving was a pretty clear indication of how she feels."

She knew I wouldn't go after her. She knew I didn't chase people. And she'd left anyway. That was a pretty glaring indication that it was over as far as I was concerned.

I was done with this conversation. I returned to where I was standing and took a long drink of my wine.

"She was crying, Christian."

Time stuttered.

"She what?"

Elliot stood in the door to the kitchen, his face serious. I couldn't have heard him right. He said, "That's why I'm here. I've been trying to catch you all week. I came home when she was leaving the other night. The girl was torn up, sitting in the lobby waiting on a ride. It looked like she'd been crying for a while."

Something twisted in my chest, and even now I wanted to find her and comfort her, even if I was the problem.

"Did she say anything to you?"

"Just to tell you that she was sorry. And that you deserved so much better an angry girl who couldn't stop pretending. That mean anything to you?" That was the problem, it meant way too much to me.

I sank into one of the stools and buried my head in my hands.

Elliot continued, "All I'm saying is, whatever is between you guys isn't nothing. Girls like that don't cry over nothing."

It hurt to get my hopes up, and they hadn't even been shot down yet. The crash would be indefinitely worse.

If I fought for her and lost, I just, I couldn't. She couldn't stay and I couldn't go after her. We were both crippled by our pasts. And for once I needed to think about myself first.

"You're overthinking this. I'm not saying you need to lay it all on the line, tattoo her name on your ass, or write I love you across the sky. Just talk to her. Feel it out. If you never see her again, you'll always wonder."

If I had overthought a few more things where she was concerned, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. Besides, crying didn't mean she had feelings for me. It could have just been the guilt getting to her. If she had really been upset, she would have come back. She would have called. She would have done something.

"I have to go, Elliot. I'm giving a talk for the after school program today."

"You're being stupid, bro."

No. I thought it was the smartest damn thing I'd done in ages. So I put on my grey Armani suit and walked out, feeling like I might be able to start moving forward for the second time.

Ana POV

It was a shit storm of an idea, but somehow I'd managed to bury all of my fears until I was facing his building. I had a completely legitimate reason to be here. My parents had already bought the plane tickets, so he might as well have his. Or maybe I just wanted to see him so badly that I didn't care about how it could go wrong.

He had to be angry. I'd slipped out without a note. I hadn't called. I didn't do well with fights, too messy. Fighting was for people who cared, and I made it my policy not to.

So then why was I more worried about the possibility that he wouldn't be angry? That he wouldn't care at all?

I walked into the lobby and without thinking I pressed the small button to contact his apartment. My heart slammed against my rib cage, and my mouth went dry.

I was going to see him. If I thought I'd wanted that, craved it, before, the feeling paled in comparison to the spike of anticipation I felt in those silent, waiting seconds. He was under my skin, buried in my thoughts. I could still see him, smell him, and feel him as if it had happened moments ago instead of days. A week.

How could I go so freaking crazy in a week? I'd lost all direction, all sense of what I wanted. My compass just kept spinning and spinning with no true north in sight.

The thought of Christian was the only thing that made me feel steady.

If I could just see him, things would be easier. Closure. That's what I needed. If I could just see that he was okay, I could stop feeling guilty. I could stop obsessing over whether or not I'd made a mistake.

"You just missed him."

The voice came from behind me, and I spun so fast that I lost my balance and had to steady myself against the wall. It was his brother and what I assumed was his neighbour, Elliot. The same one that saw me leaving a week ago.

My eyes widened, and my mind blanked.

"I'm just, I-"

He held up a hand and said, "You don't have to explain it to me."

That was good because I didn't have an explanation. I was hoping I would miraculously know what words to say when I saw Christian. That I wouldn't just hold out the tickets and then run for it. Hell, I still didn't even know exactly what I wanted out of all this.

I cleared my throat and fixed my eyes on his forehead so that I didn't have to look him in the eye.

"Is he, how is he?"

Elliot moved beside me, leaned against the wall and crossed his arms casually over his chest.

"He's good. Really good, actually."

"Oh."

This was so bad. I needed to get out of here. I turned away and Elliot stepped in front of me.

"You could ask him yourself. He's at the lecture hall on campus for that after school program he does."

I couldn't.

"That's okay. I'll just see him another time."

Elliot laughed. "No, you won't. If you don't do it now, you'll never do it."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because I recognize a kindred spirit. It took all you had to do this once. It won't happen a second time. Believe me, I've been there."

I squirmed under his gaze, and he grinned at me. He was so smug with his assessment of me that I was surprised he didn't drown in his own arrogance.

"You don't know what you're talking about. I just came to give him something that belongs to him."

Elliot didn't look like he believed me. I didn't know if I believed myself.

"I'll just come by another time."

I turned and bolted out the lobby. For the second time, I ran away from Christian's apartment. And even though I wouldn't admit it to Elliot, I knew he was right. So, I turned north toward the Temple campus. I had the whole walk there to either gather my courage or change my mind.

The lecture hall was hard enough to find, but Christian was easy.

There were college students everywhere, all silent and their gaze turned towards Christian, who stood at the front of the hall.

Christian had turned around and was writing his name on the board. The shirt he wore was just snug enough to hint at the curve of his chest and shoulders. You could tell from looking at him that he was in shape, but not even I had expected him to look this good in a suit.

Watching them, I felt like the floor had given way beneath my feet.

Elliot had said that Christian was good. He looked it when he turned around with a gorgeous smile on his face.

"Hi guys. My name is Christian Grey, you may know me as the owner of Grey Enterprise Holdings, a fast growing company that deals with mergers and acquisitions. I know that the majority of you don't want to go into business but hopefully in the next hour I can shed some light on your 'what should I do, where should I go' situation." He looked so comfortable talking to a group of people this big, like it came naturally to him. He was so confident and sure of himself. "Now, I was in your position no less than four years ago. I was in college, had no idea what I wanted to do. I woke up one day and though no, this isn't for me, so I quit. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a college drop out. I know what you're all thinking, but if you all go to your parents asking to drop out because Christian Grey said you could, I won't be held responsible." There were chuckles from the students and he rewarded them with one of his award winning smiles again. "Because that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that you can pretend to be someone you don't want to be for as long as you want, but eventually it gets old. Sometimes you have to take charge of your own feelings and put yourself out there. Which is exactly what I did, and look at me now. I'm one of the youngest people in America to become a millionaire." He did it? He's a millionaire. And suddenly, it all hit home.

This was a mistake. This was his world. All laughter and good deeds and sunshine. This was exactly the reason I'd left. My life was dark, depressing, and decaying in comparison. I don't know what I was thinking coming here.

Had I expected our lives to just fall together? Did I really believe that all our differences and all the baggage piled up between us would just melt away because, What? Because I missed him?

Or did I think we could pick back up with our friendship like nothing had changed?

Everything had changed.

I'd never thought of myself as naive, but I supposed there was a first time for everything. I took one last look at him. His smile was so gorgeous that it was painful to watch. I was seconds away from turning. I just wanted to soak up a few more moments, I watched for another half an hour. Then his eyes met mine.

He blinked, like maybe he was seeing things, and his smile disappeared. That was all the insight I needed. "Uh, I think now is the time for a ten minute break. Thanks for listening so far, you've all been great." I turned and started walking out.

"Ana!"

I picked up my pace and pushed through a set of double doors. I could hear him behind me, and I contemplated darting out into traffic. That would have been easier to face. Instead, I took a deep breath and made myself turn left and walk calmly down the street.

The next time he said my name, it was quiet, and it sent a quiver down my spine. "Ana." I had a feeling I would regret it, but I didn't have it in me to keep running. I took a deep breath and turned to face him.

"Hi, Christian."

His expression gave nothing away as he asked, "What are you doing here?"

Straight to the point then.

I fumbled with my purse, glad that I'd prepared at least that much.

"I came to give you this. Elliot told me you were here." I held out an envelope and snatched my hand away as soon as he took it. I swallowed and said, "My parents had already bought your ticket. They got a refundable one, so I thought, um, you could do what you wanted with it."

He didn't open the envelope, not even to look at the ticket inside. "I'll pay your parents back." He murmured, looking down at the envelope.

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter, they've got more money than sense so."

"So have I." He replied. Another silence. He just stared at me, his jaw set firmly and asked, "Is that all?"

"That's all." I told him.

"Then why did you run?"

I did run, didn't I? How embarrassing.

Because I was on the verge of doing something very stupid, like thinking I had made a mistake. Or thinking I stood a chance.

"Because you were busy. I was going to go grab a cookie from that food truck on campus, and then come back." I was going to go stuff my face. Attractive. Good save, Ana. "You should get back, though. I didn't mean to take you away from the students."

Silence grew up between us like weeds, and I didn't know what else to say. I should turn around and leave. I should cut my losses, burn the end of the rope before it frayed further, but I couldn't.

What if this was the last time that I saw him?

"I should go." I said, except I didn't leave. My feet had grown roots and burrowed into the concrete. "Um, it was good seeing you."

His eyes searched mine, and I could see the distrust in them, like he was figuring out my words, trying to decide if they were genuine.

I didn't blame him.

Half the time I wasn't even sure if I was genuine.

His expression was guarded in a way that it never had been before. Wearing a mask was my defence mechanism, and I hated that I had pushed him to it.

Whatever connection we'd had was long gone. I just needed to accept that.

I forced a smile and said, "Goodbye, Christian."


	17. Chapter 17

Christian POV

"Ana, wait!" I didn't really know what I was saying until the words had already left my mouth. "What time do we fly out?"

She turned, and something I couldn't decipher flickered in her eyes. I'd been trying so hard to remain ambivalent, to not let her presence get to me, but I just couldn't.

The look of shock on her face was pretty spot on for how I felt. The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted it. But for some reason when she asked, "We?" I didn't back out.

I looked at her wide blue eyes and said, "If you still want me to go, I'm in. I made you a promise, and I'm going to follow through." Even if it killed me.

She crossed her arms over her chest, and surveyed me. I kept my face passive and my body relaxed. I didn't want her to think this was a ploy to get her back. It wasn't. This charade had been really important to her, and if she thought she needed me to face her parents, I wasn't going to let her down. I was afraid if I didn't go, she'd keep right on pretending.

"You would do that for me?" She asked.

"I'd do anything for you, Ana." Fear flashed in her eyes and I realised what I had said. I weighed my next words carefully before saying, "I mean, we made a deal. I would do it for anyone." I swear she winced, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her the truth.

She swallowed and nodded. "Okay, then. Um, thanks. We fly out Sunday morning at eleven."

"Okay. I'll come early, and we'll catch a cab to the airport."

"Right, well, I'll see you Sunday then."

I watched her go for few minutes before returning to the lecture hall.

Bad idea didn't even begin to describe what I'd just done.

Over the next few days, I kept finding myself being drawn back to that plane ticket. Sometimes I would just stare at the numbers, dates and times and flights, until they stopped making sense. Other times I would hold the ticket in my hands and concentrate, as if I might be able to feel her intentions behind it just by touching it.

Was it just a ticket? Or did it represent something more?

I was sitting on my couch, holding the ticket, when the phone rang.

I looked at the caller ID and smiled. Talking to someone from home was exactly what I needed.

I hit accept and held the phone to my ear. "Mia, how's WSU treating you?"

"WSU is great. The people on the other hand. Literally no one likes me." She whines and I shake my head.

"I find that hard to believe."

"Ok, I have loads of friends. But the others don't like me." I sigh and start playing with the ticket in my hand.

"Look if you're calling to bitch about how much being a grown up sucks, don't expect a pep talk because I've got nothing."

Mia laughed on the other end, and just like that, everything seemed a little better.

She said, "Tell me about it. I've only just started college and I already want to quit. Is that bad?"

"Well considering I dropped out I would say yeah, it's pretty bad. But college isn't as bad as full time work."

"Im doing both! Yesterday someone spit coffee at me. Okay, so on the counter in front of me, but still I watched liquid arch from a stranger's mouth toward me. This is my life."

We laughed, and then the line went quiet.

After a few seconds, she said, "Now that I've buttered you up with laughs, I'll get straight to the point." And so the other shoe drops. "Elena. I heard about the engagement. I'm sorry, bro."

I raised the ticket to look at it clearly as I said, "You and everybody else on Facebook."

"How are you doing with it?"

I said, "Okay."

And I was just fine, where Elena was concerned anyway.

"Chris..."

"I am, Mia. I promise. I mean, I saw them a week or two ago, and it was awkward as hell. And depressing, because I'm pretty sure my friendship with Elena is over. But I'm okay. There's actually this other girl."

Only my mom knew about Ana, and even then she didn't know anything about her. I'd liked feeling that she was this awesome secret that I refused to share with the world. But she had my mind so twisted up that I had to tell someone closer to my age.

"Another girl?" She asked. "What's she like?"

"A total mind fuck, that's what she's like."

Mia said, "I like the sound of her already." She would. "So you're together?"

"Not exactly."

"Are you about to be?" He asked.

I looked back at that damn ticket and said, "Um, I doubt it."

"Were you together?"

"Sort of."

"I'm confused, and I'm not even part of it."

"Tell me about it."

"If I'm reading between the lines, I'd say you still want to be with her."

"I don't know, Mia. I do, and I don't. She's amazing, but she's got a whole baggage claim to herself. If I'm honest, she stands to screw me up way more than Elena ever did."

"This is why I don't date girls."

"Not a solution I'm willing to take, sis."

She laughed, "It sounds like you've already made up your mind. You know this girl isn't good for you."

I did know that, but it didn't stop me from thinking about her constantly. I had to keep reminding myself of how it felt waking up alone that morning just to stop myself from calling her.

"You're right. I just want life to be simple again, you know?"

That's what I'd seen in Elena. I knew it now. A life with her would have been simple and nice and safe. Complication free.

"Good luck with that, bro. Life isn't ever simple. Not until you're dead."

"That's wise advice coming from an eighteen year old."

"I'm a very wise eighteen year old I'll have you know." She said, then gasped. "Christian! Are you going to the Coping Together gala this year?"

I closed my eyes and rubbed my face with my hand. I was away with Ana's family then. "Um, I don't know Mia."

"What?" She practically shouted into the speaker and I winced. "Christian you have to! I'm coming home for it!" And her is when she turns into a whiny teenager that gets on my last nerve.

"Mia, I'm away for the gala so I can't come."

"Where are you? Is it work? You can always cancel work. Elliot is always telling me you work too hard so just say you'll go another-"

"-Mia. It isn't work. I'm away with Ana."

The line goes silent until Mia said, "Ana? That's the girl you met right?"

"Yes."

"Well, bring her along too!"

The thought of asking Ana to a charity gala where my whole family were going to be made me chuckle.

"I don't think so. I'll see what I can do, Mia. Don't get your hopes up."

"I never do when you're concerned Christian." She said seriously. Over the years I've blown off my family a lot. I haven't meant to but the business was just getting successful and it was a lot of work.

The phone call went on for a while after that, but my mind stayed stuck on those words. We talked about what her new friends were like, and how her professor kept making eyes at her, which made me angry.

But I thought about how I'd spent twenty two years chasing after a life that I'd convinced myself I'd wanted. A simple, predictable, perfect life. But it still had yet to become any of those things. I'd been accumulating talents and accomplishments, marking them off this unwritten checklist that had been in the back of my mind since I was a kid. But what did it all add up to?

The truth was, none of that kept people from leaving. Nothing could, if the person was determined to go. The only question was how long you were willing to chase them.

Mia had to get to work, so we wrapped up the call with promises to talk again soon. I had hoped talking with her would give me perspective, but I still didn't know what I wanted, and my thoughts were more knotted up than ever.

Ana POV

I refused to be nervous about spending time with Christian. Not when I had so many other things to worry about, but thoughts of him kept creeping into my head.

He'd ruined me.

Before I'd been ice cold and cutting and solid. But for weeks, he'd been thawing me out, and I hated it.

There was no control like this, no protection. And I had fewer than twenty four hours until the end of the world. Also known as family Christmas.

Home was the lion's den. My scars were always more sensitive there because that's where I'd gotten the wounds. Now more than ever I needed my mask.

So today was about strengthening my resolve.

My mom had called seventeen and a half times today already. The half because one of the phone calls lasted so long that classifying it as one call just didn't seem fair.

My brother and his wife, Leila, had arrived yesterday, and I could feel the pretentiousness creeping through the phone just hearing them in the background.

I still hadn't packed my bags. I had two sets of clothes folded and ready to go my traditional holiday garb of turtlenecks and scarfs, or my normal clothes. As much as I wanted to make Christian happy, this wasn't a decision that I could make lightly.

When I came home from my shift at the tattoo parlor, I reached out to tug open the door to my building, and it didn't budge. I blinked, and then pulled again, but nothing changed.

I stepped back and looked around my street to make sure I'd gone to the right building. There was the Laundromat next door, which meant I was in the right place. I stepped forward and yanked on the door again. Nothing.

The door was locked.

The door to this building hadn't been locked in ages, almost a year, I was sure.

I fished out my keys, and it took me a few seconds to even remember which key worked on this door because it had been so long. What had made the landlord fix it now? I'd given up bugging him about it months ago because nothing worked.

Unless he hadn't been the one to fix it.

I froze with the key halfway to the lock. Would Christian have done that? Even though we were, well, not whatever we had been.

I weighed the probability in my mind of who could have fixed the door. Between my ass of a landlord and golden boy, the choice was obvious.

My heartbeat sped up faster just thinking about the possibility.

Maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe it wasn't even him.

But what if it was and what if it did?

I thawed a little bit more.

I shook my head, and focused on my keys. When I found the right one, I shoved it into the lock a little too hard. Then I went upstairs and faced my packing options. I took a few turtlenecks, just in case, but for the most part I packed my normal clothes, the clothes I thought Christian would have approved of.

When I couldn't hold back my nerves about tomorrow or my fantasies about Christian being the one to fix my door, I went to bed for the night, hoping I could stay strong, against everything.

My head was pounding, and it sounded like I was underwater. The world was so far away and too bright after so long alone in the dark. A light shined in my eye, and I flinched. A face hovered over mine, and my heart turned over in my chest.

Kate

It had to be.

I tried to say her name, but my tongue felt like sandpaper, and my throat burned with the effort. All I managed was a whisper.

"Don't try to talk, Rest your vocal cords."

The voice was male, not Kate's. My world chose that moment to sharpen, to emerge from the blur of my vision. I licked my lips. They were sticky and tasted like pennies.

Two fingers pressed into my wrist, and the man startled rattling off numbers to someone else I couldn't see.

I registered the steady rumble of an engine, and whatever I was lying on swayed slightly.

I was in an ambulance. They were taking me away.

I panicked, and tried to sit up, but my shoulders were strapped down. I was trapped again. I bucked and squirmed, and a sharp pain shot up my leg. I tried to scream, but nothing came out.

Empty.

The pressure in my head increased until I thought it might explode.

I mouthed Kate's name again and again, even though I couldn't say it.

"You're going to be okay." The paramedic assured me. "We got to you in time."

No. No, they hadn't.

They were too late.

I saw the paramedic pick up a syringe, and then my world went fuzzy again. The panic subsided, but the memories did not.

It all came too late.

I woke up, gasping, my arms and legs slick with sweat and stuck to the sheets. My dreams were always worse around the holidays, but that had been the first in a while. I'd been too preoccupied with other things of late for my old demons to show their heads. I guess it was too much to hope for that they'd finally ended.

I tried to go back to sleep, but now the accident was fresh in my mind. Every time a car passed outside, the lights reflected through my window, and I shot up in bed, afraid another dream was starting.

Finally I decided that sleep wasn't going to be a possibility. I got up, and took a long shower. I used the time to clear my head, and focus on what I needed to do on this trip.

The end goal was music. That was what I had to remember. Music was my constant. As eager as I was to see Christian again, I couldn't afford to be distracted. Not by him, not by the past, not by anything.

I used the extra time to straighten my hair, a rare occurrence for me, but it kept my hands busy. Mom called twice to make sure I was up, and the second time I just put her on speakerphone and let her chatter on, interjecting the occasional "Yes." and "Really?" to keep her going.

I pulled a scoop neck shirt over my head, and looked in the mirror. The tattoos weren't blatantly on display, but they definitely weren't hidden. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine how my parents would react.

But for the life of me, I couldn't picture it. Or maybe I didn't want to.

I was grabbing my coat and scarf when a knock sounded on my door.

Christian.

My head was spinning.

"Just a second!"

I leaned a hand against the nearest wall and took a second to calm myself and fortify my walls.

Don't think about him. Think about music.

I imagined a quick cigarette, but it did little to calm my nerves. Finally, I just grabbed the doorknob, and pulled.

He stood on the other side of my door, leaning against my door frame in a way that was so comfortable and sexy that I thought I had to be dreaming.

I pinched myself, but nothing changed.

So much for not thinking about him. All the emotions I'd narrowly kept in check this week hit me hard and fast. I tried to swallow it down, but it was just too much.

The expression on his face was unreadable, and I couldn't seem to get my brain to process the fact that he was standing in front of me. It took all of my brainpower to utter, "Hi." Then the rest of my thoughts fizzled out completely.

He pushed off the door, and stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. My traitorous eyes traced from his arms to his shoulders to the straight edge of his jaw before I managed to get myself under control.

If just seeing him could affect me like this, how was I ever going to survive the holidays with him at my parents? I looked up, and he smiled like there was no painful history between us, like he wasn't dying just from being in such close proximity. It took all my strength to resist touching him, and he stood there, the picture of ease and comfort.

I stared, battling with myself until he cleared his throat and said, "You ready?"

Not even close.

 **Hi guys! Sorry this isn't as long as normal but there's a lot of drama to come so hopefully you forgive me, I'm so happy you're enjoying this story as much as you are and please keep reviewing!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	18. Chapter 18

Christian POV

When she opened the door, the sight of her undid me. Her hair was cut into a bob that rested just above her shoulders and so dark it was almost black. Her normal curls were gone, and it fell straight. My heart sunk because I thought she'd tamed her hair color to appease her parents. Then she turned to the side to gesture me in, and the light hit her hair through a window. It was not black, but a very dark blue.

She smiled, and she seemed genuinely glad to see me.

"The hair looks great." I said.

The top half of her hair was pulled back so that it didn't cover the birds on her neck. Her clothing wasn't outrageous, but it was still her. More importantly, it didn't feel like she was hiding.

She shrugged. "You told me to be myself, so I am."

I didn't have to fake the smile that spread across my face.

Ana moved toward the couch and fiddled with her carry on, giving me the chance to take her in completely. She looked nervous, but I was sure it was just about seeing her parents.

I was a mess inside. I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to turn around and walk out the door, or pull her into my arms and kiss her. I settled for behaving as naturally as possible.

I didn't know what to say, so I settled for being useful. As soon as she had zipped up her duffel bag, I leaned around her and took it. My chest brushed against her back, and she stiffened.

I moved back quickly, but the damage had already been done. She moved away from me to grab a few more of her things.

"Are you nervous?" I asked.

She looked up at me, her blue eyes wide and questioning. Her eyes made this so much more difficult.

When she didn't answer, I added, "About your parents?"

She breathed a laugh and said, "Only enough to throw up."

It was good to hear her laugh.

"Oh, is that all?"

I followed her out into the hallway and waited while she locked her apartment. Over her shoulder she said, " I should warn you, my sister-in-law, Leila, is the Antichrist in heels."

I laughed, and she whipped around to face me. She looked so surprised. I could only imagine what she had expected out of this trip. Maybe she thought I'd try to get her back. Probably she just expected me to be broken up over what she'd done.

I was sick of being that guy.

There was no reason I couldn't act normal. I was an actor for God's sake.

She said, "You laugh, but I'm serious. Spending time with her is like taking a cheese grater to the brain."

"It can't be that bad."

She gave me a look and said, "When she married my brother, she insisted on having white doves released when they kissed. They got married in Georgia. She's lucky someone in the audience didn't stand up and open fire."

"So she's a bit crazy, but aren't all women like that about their weddings?"

We emerged onto the street and she added, "She told me I wasn't allowed to be a bridesmaid because my skin tone would clash with the dresses she'd chosen."

I winced, but she wasn't done. "Yeah. She was also runner-up for Miss Georgia like eight years ago, and she still maintains that the pageant was fixed, and she should have won."

A cab was waiting for us at the curb, and I opened the door for Ana to slide in first. "I get it. Don't leave Ana alone with Leila or the sister-in-law might lose her waving hand."

As we set off for the airport, the conversation became forced. It was harder to pretend when we were in such a small space and had a cabdriver as an audience. She twisted her hands nervously in her lap. One hand wandered up to the skin of her neck and brushed across the birds on her neck.

Before I could stop myself I asked, "Why birds?"

She looked like she'd forgotten that I was there completely. I wished I was capable of the same. She worried her lips with her teeth and I said, "Sorry. You don't have to answer that."

"It's okay. It's pretty cliché. Before there was a bell jar, there was a cage." She curved her hand around her neck and said, "I got these when I dropped out of WSU. The first time I tried to stop pretending. They were supposed to keep me looking up and moving forward. Now they feel like a lie."

I reached out and pulled her hand away from her neck. I ignored the shock of warmth and said, "It's going to be okay, Ana."

I released her hand, and she wrapped both arms around her middle, like she was holding herself together.

"You're really dreading this, aren't you?"

"You have no idea. My mother is so hardcore about Christmas. She's like the love child of Mrs. Claus and the Terminator. If you even look like you're not filled with Christmas cheer, she'll be shoving eggnog and cookies and Christmas carols down your throat." She laughed, and it felt forced, but I could tell she was ready for a subject change, so I went with it.

I shrugged and said, "I like eggnog."

She groaned, but her frustration gave way to a smile. Each new smile looked a little less faked, and I made a silent goal to put her completely at ease. I was a masochist. I was just as bad as that crazy monk in The Da Vinci Code, only her smile was my whip.

"So, um." She fidgeted with her hands. "I should have said it before, but thank you for showing up, I'm glad I won't be alone."

"You're welcome."

I thought that would be the end of it, but her cheeks flushed and she continued, "And well, we don't have to, that is, if you're uncomfortable about pretending to be together, we don't have to really do anything, um, couple like."

I forced a smile. I'd been thinking of that almost constantly. Part of me thought I should avoid couple behavior at all costs, but another part of me saw it as a golden opportunity.

"Pretending won't bother me." Maybe saying it out loud would make it truer. "It's not a big deal. Acting is what I do."

She nodded, her lips pursed into a straight line. "Right, of course, I just wanted to, offer."

Ana's anxiety continued to build so that by the time we boarded the plane, she looked ready to turn around and go back.

She gestured for me to take the window seat, and she sat on the aisle, leaning as far away from me as she could. She kicked off her shoes and pulled up her knees, like she was at home sitting on her couch. When we were high enough in the air that we could use electronics, she pulled out her phone and tucked her earbuds in. I could hear her music from here, and I wondered if it helped to drown out her fears.

I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the window, and tried to do some drowning of my own. It didn't take long before my head drooped, and I drifted into a peaceful nap.

What felt like moments later, a movement against my shoulder jostled me awake. I lifted my head up from the window, and my face itched from where it had been pressed against the plastic window cover. I blinked, and looked over to find Ana's cheek perched on my shoulder.

Her brows were knit together, and her eyes clenched shut. She took short, sharp breaths, and every few seconds her expression would contract in what looked like pain. She mewled and pushed her face into my shoulder. She looked like a completely different person, vulnerable and in pain.

When she muttered, "Kate." in her sleep, I placed my hand on her cheek.

A few other passengers were starting to stare. I put my face close to hers, and whispered, "It's a dream, Ana. Wake up."

Her hand fisted in my shirt, and I wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close.

"Sssh. You're okay. I'm here. Just wake up."

Her eyes flew open, and she flinched back.

"It was a dream." I kept repeating that sentence because I wasn't sure she heard me. Her gaze darted around us, but when she realized where we were, she released her grip on my shirt.

"You okay?" I asked.

She pressed her lips together and nodded. She closed her eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. She tipped her head back toward the seat, but my arm was still around her. When her neck touched my bicep, her eyes met mine.

Ana POV

My emotions were still on overdrive from my dream, and having his arm around me sent my heart sprinting. I stared at him, tracing the line of his nose and the curve of his cheekbones with my eyes. His face had the stubble that I loved so much, and his eyes were still heavy from sleep.

He smiled, and a familiar warmth crept low in my belly. I bit my lip, and his eyes cleared. I couldn't make myself look away. Confusion crept into his expression, but he didn't break our gaze either. I wanted him to know how badly I felt, but I didn't know how to put it into words. I didn't know if it even mattered to him. He shifted in his chair, and his arm weighed heavier around my shoulders.

God, I was so confused. I was Alice in Wonderland, tumbling down the rabbit hole for a second time. I was lying with my head against his arm when a flight attendant tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I'd like a drink. I gave a polite nod and by the time I looked back at Christian, his arm was no longer around me, and he was looking down. My earbuds were still dangling around my neck, music blaring. I turned down the volume and opened my mouth to say something. What I was going to say was a mystery, but if I stayed silent any longer I was going to spontaneously combust. I took a deep breath, and he spoke before I could.

"The past is the past, angry girl."

I snapped my mouth closed, and after a moment, I nodded.

He pressed his lips together in something that was meant to be a smile, but there was no life in it. And his eyes were distant, like he was looking past me.

For the first time I felt positive that he was acting.

Suddenly, the thought of spending days with him didn't make me nervous. It made me sad. There were many parts of my life that I wanted to leave firmly in the past, but now I was pretty sure he wasn't one of them.

Once again, I was too late.


	19. Chapter 19

Christian POV

I hated how easy it was to put on a mask in front of her. I'd been pushing her to be herself, and I wasn't any better. All I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her.

But I had to listen to my brain instead of my heart. It was the only way I could survive this trip. The new hair color softened her somehow, but her eyes were lined with terror. It was so unnatural to see fear written across the face of a girl who was so fearless that for a few moments she had felt like another person entirely.

So, I told her what she needed to hear. Even though it shredded me.

She relaxed, but only a little. She spent the rest of the flight fidgeting and checking the time. The closer we got to landing, the more frantic she became.

The plane's descent turned rapid, and Ana tensed up. Her hands clutched the armrests, and her eyes closed. She pressed her head back into the seat, sat very still, and took deep breaths. I had the urge to put my arm around her again, but I fought it off.

I asked, "Is it the landing that has you nervous or what's waiting for us on the ground?"

She didn't open her eyes as she answered, "I choose option C."

"Both?"

She nodded. She licked her lips and explained, "I just feel like landings last about one minute longer than I can handle. And frankly, as far as this trip is concerned, I'd prefer we just stay in the air."

She didn't get her wish. The sound of the wind roared in the cabin as the plane came in for a landing. Her hands turned white on the armrests, and her lip turned a vivid pink as she bit down. I knew, logically, that she was nervous, but the tension in her neck and the way she worried her bottom lip reminded me of other things entirely, and I had to look away.

The wheels touched down, and she pressed her hands into the back of the seat in front of her, grimacing as the plane slowed down. When it was over, she released a long breath and wilted back into her chair. I waited for her to perk back up, but her eyes stayed closed, and her hands still gripped the armrests.

"You're looking a little green, angry girl."

I was expecting a response like "You're looking like you wanna get punched, golden boy."

Instead, she stayed silent. When she did open her eyes, she just stared at the people ahead of us unloading their things and pressed her palms into her thighs. I didn't see her fear anymore. I didn't see anything really. She was blank, like she had just shut down completely. It was torture seeing her this way. Maybe I shouldn't have made her do this.

I decided then, no matter how painful it was or what it cost me, I'd help her get through this in whatever way I could. Even if I never saw her again afterward.

I carried both of our bags off the plane, and Ana was quiet as we left the terminal for the arrivals area. She pulled out her cell with numb hands to call her parents. We walked side by side until suddenly she was no longer there. I looked back, and she was standing still as a statue, looking as if she might scream or pass out or both.

When I got closer she groaned, "They didn't."

"Who didn't?" I asked. "What's the matter?" I placed my hands on her arms and her eyes snapped to mine. For a few seconds neither of us said anything, and I knew I'd crossed a line. I pulled back, and put another foot between us.

Her face went soft, and she said, "I'm sorry."

I thought she meant for her reaction to my touch until she stepped behind me and began buttoning her coat. She fastened it all the way up to her neck, and threw on her scarf, too. She undid the clip holding back her hair so that it fell around her face.

She still looked beautiful, but I knew what she was doing.

"Ana, what's going on?"

She tamed her appearance with the same ease and efficiency that she had before her parents' arrival on the day we met. I turned and looked behind me, but I couldn't see her parents anywhere.

"Damn it, Ana, we talked about this."

"I know." Her eyes met mine, and they weren't blank anymore. "They sent Leila and Andrew to pick us up. I just can't start with her. I can only fight this battle once."

The minute she had hidden all the things that made her Ana, her body relaxed and all the tension that had plagued her disappeared. I had the sinking feeling that I wouldn't see my Ana again for the rest of the trip. Not that she was mine anymore. Or ever had been really.

"I promise I'll do it, Christian." She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than me.

I sighed and said, "Okay, fine. Let's go meet the Antichrist."

She squared her shoulders, like she was preparing for battle. I followed her glare across the terminal to a couple dressed in business attire, and I recognized the man as an older version of the brother I'd seen in her mother's photo album.

The couple started toward us, linked at the elbow. Her brother was in a suit, his tie loosened slightly. The woman on his arm, Leila, looked to be mid-to-late twenties. She was wearing a red dress and black heels that looked more appropriate for a cocktail party or a political campaign than picking someone up from the airport. She had long, flowing blond hair that reminded me of Sleeping Beauty. She was smiling widely and giving a small wave that I imagined she had perfected during her run for Miss Georgia.

Ana looked like she wanted to take out all her nerves and fears on a punching bag with blond hair. I could see already that this was going to be a very long trip.

"Anastasia, sweetheart!" Leila called. "It's so good to see you! We've heard so much about your little boyfriend that I just insisted that Andrew and I be the ones to pick you up. I had to see this for myself."

I leaned closer and reminded her, "Breathe."

Leila's appearance was meticulous, from her manicured nails to her blond ringlets; they stopped simultaneously, as if all of their movements as a couple were choreographed, and stared at Ana. Her sister-in-law looked at her from head to toe, and then clucked pitifully. "Don't you look tired from your flight."

Ana gave a grim smile and opened her mouth. I rushed to cut her off. "It's so nice to meet you both," I said, holding out my hand. Andrew shook my hand first. He looked like he could care less what his sister looked like. He was more concerned with the BlackBerry he kept pulling out of his pocket. "I'm Christian. Though it sounded like you already knew that."

Leila smiled. "Yes, all Carla and Ray have talked about is how much of a-" She paused and looked back at Ana "-Good influence you've been on our Anastasia. Lord knows she needed someone to whip her into shape. I've been trying for years, but an Ivy League education can only work so much magic."

I returned to Ana's side, unsure whether or not to touch her. Her fists were clenched tightly at her side, so I took that as a no. Leila kept talking. "Now, Anastasia, don't you worry for a second about that bad dye job. It might be tough, since it's the holidays, but I bet my hairstylist can squeeze you in and get all of that taken care of." Leila's gesture didn't cover Ana's hair so much as all of her.

I watched Ana inhale and exhale very slowly. This appeared to be another instance where her coping mechanism wasn't quite working. I considered turning her around and walking away. I didn't want to see her put up with this any more than she wanted to deal with it herself.

"Listen, Leila-" She said the name with such malice that I thought she was going to swing for her.

I cut in before the conversation could become dominated by four letter words.

"You don't like her hair blue?" I asked. "I think it's beautiful."

Ana stiffened beside me, my attempt to put her at ease failing miserably.

Leila smiled. "Oh, bless your heart. That's sweet, but you don't have to coddle her. If there's anything our Anastasia is it's tough. She can handle it."

"Leila." Andrew said, in a seemingly warning tone, glancing up from his phone. She looked at him and smiled, stepping back.

Ana took a step forward, and I stopped worrying about whether or not it was okay to touch her. I clamped my arm down on her shoulder to hold her in place.

I said, "Do you think we could get on the road? I don't know about Ana, but it's been a long trip, and I'm anxious to get settled in."

"You don't have any checked bags?" Leila looked at the Ana's duffle bag and my backpack slung over one arm. "Tell me you don't have your dress wadded up in there."

Ana's face went pale. "What dress?"

"For the Charity Gala back in Seattle. Your mother has been talking about it nonstop. She didn't tell you to bring a dress?"

Ana groaned and said, "I vaguely recall her mentioning something like that, but she didn't say we had to go."

"Well you do." Leila looked pleased at Ana's misery. She huffed as if Ana had just ruined Christmas. "I guess we'll have to squeeze in a shopping trip in the morning along with a hair appointment. I don't know how your family survived before I came along." Leila looked up at Ana's brother and said, "Are you ready, sweetie?"

He paused whatever he was doing on his BlackBerry and said, "Whenever you are, honey."

The two shared a kiss that left even me feeling like I'd overdosed on sugar.

"Follow us." Leila turned and trounced away, her curls bouncing slightly with her movement.

'I'm going to kill her." Ana breathed. "You're going to find her body chopped up and wrapped in individual boxes under the tree."

"It's scary how much I actually think you might mean that."

We followed at a distance, and I kept my hand around Ana's shoulder the entire time. I don't know if she even noticed. She was too concentrated on sending imaginary throwing knives at the back of Leila's head.

"She is everything I hate about my family." Ana said. "She makes me sick."

I didn't like the girl either, but Ana spoke with a kind of venom that worried me. "Every family has one." I told her. "And in a few days, you'll be gone and won't have to see her for another year."

"You don't get it." Without looking away from Leila, she said, "That was me. I was just like her all through high school. I was just as fake and vile and-"

I pulled her to a stop and said, "And now you're not. You beat yourself up because of who you were and because of who you're not and even because of who you are. You've got to stop."

She stared at me, and I could tell I had penetrated her walls, if only for just a moment. Then Leila turned over her shoulder and called, "You'll have to forgive the car. There was a mix-up at the rental company, and they gave someone else the BMW that Andrew reserved. This was the best they could do on such short notice."

"Let's go." Ana said. She pulled away and walked a few paces ahead of me all the way to a brand new Toyota SUV that probably cost more than a new liver on the black market.

Andrew opened the front door for Leila, and placed a quick kiss on her lips before opening the trunk for us. I threw our bags in, and opened the door for Ana.

"What a gentleman." Leila said. "Your taste really is improving, Ana."

There was going to be blood spatter all over these nice leather seats if she wasn't careful. Ana sat stiffly against the seat, her fists clenched in her lap. I placed a hand over one of her fists and squeezed. I figured the best thing I could do was to get Leila talking about herself.

Once we were out of the parking garage and on the road, I asked, "So, how long have you two been married?"

"Oh two years this June. We had the most glorious June wedding. Everything about it was just perfect."

Andrew put the car in drive and said, "Only as perfect as you."

Leila aww'd, and the two of them looked away from the road long enough to share a quick kiss.

Ana made a noise like she was going to hurl and said, "Perfect driver, too."

"Any chance we'll be hearing wedding bells in your future?" Leila asked.

I couldn't look at Ana. I played my role, kept my eyes on the audience, stayed in character, and said, "We're just taking things slow, seeing how things go."

"Oh." Leila's lips turned down in a pout and she gave Ana a look of pity. "Of course you are."

I followed Leila's eyes to Ana in time to see her press her forehead against the window and close her eyes. She pulled her hand away from mine, and began to close herself off again.

I asked, "How long until we get to Ana's parents' house?"

"It's about a thirty minute drive." Andrew answered.

"As long as they don't kiss us into a ditch first." Ana said.

 **Hi guys! Sorry about the wait, I'm really busy at the moment. Hope you enjoy this chapter and please keep reviewing!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	20. Chapter 20

Ana POV

Mom threw open the front door of their three story house and squealed when she saw us. The Joker probably had a more realistic smile than I did. When both my parents came into view, Christian's hand curved around my waist, falling just below the line of my coat. I could feel the heat of his fingers through my shirt, and it was like five little daggers of doubt to my back.

This was too hard. My body and my mind and my heart were at war, and my sanity was the collateral damage.

Dad shook Christian's hand, and Mom pulled both of us into a hug simultaneously.

"Come in! Come in! Oh, Christian, Ray and I are just so happy you're here." She released me and hugged him around the neck for a few seconds. His arm was still around me, so I'm sure we resembled some kind of radioactive waste monster that had begun sprouting extra heads and limbs. When she pulled back she lifted a strand of my hair and clucked her tongue. She said, "Oh, honey." and frowned, but didn't say anything further. It gave me a little bit of hope that maybe she could handle the rest of it.

But just a little.

I met Christian's eyes, and his flicked to my mother.

I took a deep breath and said, "Mom?"

"Yes, dear?"

Her eyes met mine. They focused on me in a way they hadn't in years. Normally, she'd look at me for a second or two before glancing everywhere around me. She blinked, still looking at me, waiting for words that I just couldn't seem to pry from my lips.

Instead, I asked, "What room is Christian staying in?"

"Oh, we've put him in the guest room upstairs, right next to your old room."

I looked at Christian, and he gave me a stiff smile.

Every time we took a step forward, I seemed to take a running leap back.

Mom continued, "Why don't you two get settled in. Dinner is almost ready though, so be quick!"

I nodded and went to grab Christian's hand. He stepped out of my reach and gestured for me to lead the way instead. His shoulders were even stiffer than his smile. I walked up the stone pathway through my parents' large, ornate front door, and he followed. He paused in the doorway to take in the high, arched ceiling and Mom's tendency to decorate every inch of available space.

"Stairs are over here." I said.

He nodded, but didn't reply.

The entire way up the stairs, I could hear his heavy footfalls, and each one made me flinch. By the time I opened the guest room door at the end of the hallway, I could feel his emotions like a cloud at my back. He threw our bags down on the bed, and turned to face me.

I normally loved the way Christian looked at me, all of the ways. The way he'd looked out in the audience while I sang. The way he would keep his head down on our walks home, but look at me sideways. The way he'd looked at me when I'd been spread out beneath him. I could tell, just by his expression that he believed in me, all of me.

But his expression now was none of those things. He didn't look angry, well, yes he did. But mostly, he looked sad. And he looked disappointed, an expression with which I was all too familiar. And that indefinable something that I'd always seen in his gaze was gone. So was his belief in me.

I shut the door behind me, and the click echoed through the silence of the room.

"I'm sorry." I seemed to say that to him a lot, more than to any other person in my life except for Kate. "I know I said I would tell them, that I wouldn't pretend anymore-"

"You've said a lot of things."

I sucked in a breath, but my lungs still felt empty.

"Christian."

"I just don't understand you." His hands went to his hair, and he began to pace back and forth in front of the bed. "I thought you were fearless." He said.

A noise ripped from my throat, and even I didn't know if it was a laugh or sob.

"Well, you were wrong."

"You get up onstage in front of hundreds of people and bare your soul. You don't take shit from anyone. You go after what you want. You're amazing. But then when you're here, it's like you're a completely different person."

"Oh, come on. It's an act, a crutch, a mask, take your pick. I project fearless, and you project perfection. It doesn't mean either of us actually are those things."

His pacing changed course, and he came at me. I had to crane my head backward to meet his gaze. "How do you think this is going to turn out? You can't keep who you are a secret forever. What are you going to do? Wear turtlenecks for every visit? Never come home during the summer? Not invite them to your wedding?"

I swallowed.

"I'll tell them. I just need time. I need to prepare them so that they're not so shocked. They're holding money over my head."

He scoffed. "The world holds money over everyone's head. It's a fact of life."

"Like it's that easy. I don't know why you suddenly think you can judge me."

"Because I know you!"

He didn't, not at all. If he really knew me he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't care about me. But I couldn't say that, so I just backed away from him and shook my head. I wanted this conversation to be over, but he wasn't done. He said, "I think you're just scared."

"Of course I'm scared!" My volume got away from me, and I slapped a hand over my mouth, hoping my parents hadn't heard. I took a deep breath and continued quietly, "I'm terrified. Always."

Terrified that I'll never make it. That I'll wake up one day to realize my parents are right. Terrified that I've poured my everything into a career and life that will never happen, that I've wasted the life that should have been Kate's.

"What are you scared of, Ana?"

"Of everything. Absolutely everything."

I didn't say that included him, but I didn't think I had to. I think he knew.

"Is that what you wanted to hear, golden boy?"

He sighed, and put his head down. I was used to disappointing people, but I had never wanted it to be him.

He said, "No, not at all."

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you."

God, I was. So sorry.

He took a step toward me, and I took three back.

I cleared my throat and said, "I'm going to put my things up next door. There's a bathroom in the hall if you need it. Just pop over when you're ready."

Then I ran.

There were no prying eyes lurking at the bottom of the stairs, so I hoped that meant no one had heard us arguing. As soon as I was safely ensconced in my room, I leaned back against my door and concentrated on breathing.

I hated how afraid I was. I hated the way fear could eat away at everything until even the constant things in life, like the earth beneath my feet and the sky over my head, seemed like figments of my imagination.

The fear made me feel pathetic and small, but I couldn't get past it.

It wasn't just the money or the risk of angering my parents.

It was a thorn on the dark side of my heart that told me I was inadequate, that there was some measure of what it meant to be good, to be important, and I didn't reach it. As long as no one else saw that thorn, it was a secret I could protect, a wound I could nurse in private.

Talking to my parents would open it up, start the bleeding fresh, make it impossible to ignore.

I pushed my coat off my shoulders and pulled my shirt over my head. I threw my duffel bag on the bed and tore it open. I scrambled for a turtleneck and found a black one. I was pulling it over my head when my door opened.

I couldn't see through the black fabric, but I spun away as quickly as possible, so that my tattoos faced away from the door. I tried to tug the sweater down so that it covered my stomach, but the stupid turtleneck was caught on my head. I said, "Hold on a sec, Mom."

My head pushed through the neck opening at the same time I heard, "It's Christian."

I felt like my heart turned to face him before I did.

I finished pulling my shirt down to cover my stomach, and met his gaze. There were so many emotions in his expression, anger and sadness and desire- but I couldn't tell which one was winning.

My voice was raspy as I said, "Ready."

He didn't move for several long moments, just pinned me to my spot with his intense gaze. Anticipation and want built in me until my knees felt weak. Just when I was ready to give in, he stepped back and into the hall.

Mom called my name a few seconds later. "Dinner's ready!"

I squared my shoulders and joined him at the door. As we descended the stairs, his hand touched the small of my back, and it took all of my concentration not to tumble down the stairs. I faced a potentially life changing holiday. I could lose my family, lose their support, and lose the life I'd built for myself. And yet somehow, all I could think about was his touch and how much I missed it. As disastrous as this trip was likely to be, I never wanted it to end.

Christian POV

Everyone was seated and waiting for us in the dining room when we came downstairs. This was the first time I'd been in a house that had an actual dining room instead of a table crammed into the kitchen. Her parents were seated at each end of the table, and Andrew and Leila sat on one side, opposite Max sat with two empty chairs meant for us. I pulled out Ana's chair for her, and then sat down beside her.

The dinner wasn't quite as elaborate as the meal Mrs. Steele had prepared for Thanksgiving, but it was close. I could only imagine what Christmas Day would be like.

"Ray?" Mrs. Steele asked. "Will you say grace?"

I started to bow my head, and then Ana blurted out, "Can I say it?"

Even Andrew looked surprised.

Mrs. Steele blinked a few times, but smiled. "Of course you can, sweetheart."

She reached out her hand to me, and I took it.

I turned to Ana, and held her gaze as I laced our fingers together. Every head lowered, and I followed. But I kept my eyes open and fixed on Ana.

She stared at her empty plate as she spoke, as if it might help her find the words.

"Dear God, thank you for this food and for family. For fear and forgiveness." She paused, like she wanted to say more, but just couldn't piece together the words. Finally, she let her eyes fall closed and said, "May our lives have a healthy dose of each. Amen."

A chorus of hesitant amens filled the dining room, and Ana stayed staring at her plate. I squeezed her hand and didn't unlace our fingers.

Leila placed a napkin in her lap and said quietly, "I've never heard a prayer quite like that before."

"I thought it was great. Stop nitpicking, Leila." Max said with as much venom as Ana. I smiled and thought about how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, even in siblings. There was no doubt where she got her attitude from.

"Mackenzie don't be rude." Carla said, turning to Ana. "That was lovely, sweetheart." Ana's mother said.

Ana gave a nearly inaudible "thank you." and it was the only thing she said for the rest of dinner. Luckily, Leila dominated the conversation. She talked about Andrew's job, and their house, and how they thought they were almost ready to have kids. I was beginning to understand how she stayed so skinny. She never stopped talking long enough to really eat. Ana distracted herself by picking at her food, and I distracted myself by staring at Ana.

When dinner was over, Mrs. Steele shooed us into the living room while she cleaned up. And without the distraction of food, the discomfort level grew even higher. Ray pulled me aside to look at the various taxidermy pieces that were scattered across the living room.

We were standing in front of a wild boar, while Mr. Steele recounted his hunting trip, when I overheard Leila talking to Ana on the couch.

She said, "It's never a good sign when the fighting starts this early. I mean, between the arguing you two did upstairs and the uncomfortable silence between you at dinner, I give it a week, maybe two before you go your separate ways." Ana was miraculously calm. She stared straight ahead, picking at a stray thread on the arm of the sofa. "You're lucky I kept up the conversation during dinner or your parents would have noticed." Ana remained silent. "I know it's hard." Leila placed a hand on Ana's shoulder, who stiffened in response. "But you could hardly expect to snag the first decent guy that looked your way. I'm sure you'll made some mistakes along the way, but next time you'll know better."

I didn't know what Leila had against Ana, but there was a cruelty in her tone that told me she was enjoying this. I couldn't listen to it anymore. I turned to Mr. Steele and said, "Excuse me for a moment, sir." Then I headed for the couch. I plopped down beside Ana, shocking her out of the statue act she was putting on for Leila.

I said, "Hey." And because I wanted to shut Leila up and had been dying to do it since I first saw her this morning, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to Ana's lips. She locked up for just a second, but then closed her eyes and kissed me back.

My body roared to life, and I resisted the urge to deepen the kiss. I pulled back and draped an arm over Ana's shoulder. I tugged her closer until she was leaning against my chest.

"Sorry, I was getting lonely." I smiled and asked, "What are you two talking about?"

Leila sputtered, and a slow smile spread over Ana's face. It sent warmth to every part of me.

Ana said, "I was just telling Leila how great you were."

"Is that so?"

"Oh yeah, I mean, you're about as perfect as they come."

I held back a laugh and said, "Oh no, you're the perfect one."

She leaned her head against my chest, and I wondered if she could hear the way my heart sped up. She said, "I guess we're just perfect for each other then."

I wrapped my arms all the way around her and held her close.

Leila stood and said, "Excuse me. I'm going to go find Andrew. I have no idea what could be keeping him."

No doubt he'd snuck off to enjoy the superior company of his iPhone. We watched Leila stalk out of the room. Ana hesitated for a moment, and then turned her face into my chest to muffle her laughter.

"That is officially my favorite Christmas memory ever." Ana breathed.

"Why does she hate you so much?" I asked.

Ana propped her chin on my chest and looked at me. When she wasn't looking at me, I could pretend that this was all an act. But with her eyes on mine, I lost focus.

She said, "I mentioned she's the Antichrist, right?"

"Ah, so this is a battle of good and evil kind of thing."

"No, this is a she's a psycho kind of thing."

"I could buy that. She enjoys hearing herself talk too much to not be at least a little bit sociopathic."

Ana's eyes fluttered closed, and I realized that my hand was threading through her hair. I hadn't even realized I'd been doing it. I knew what that did to her. I started to pull my hand back, but she laid her cheek back against my chest and wrapped an arm around my waist.

If that wasn't permission, I didn't know what was.

Leila came back with Andrew, and Mrs. Steele brought out a tray with mugs of hot chocolate. I took one, but Ana declined. She stayed pressed against me, her head resting over my heart as her family took seats around the room.

I tried to keep my body calm, and my mind calmer as we sat there.

I was tired of questioning what everything meant, so I just gave in. I brushed my fingers through her hair, skimming her neck and her back. I didn't know what she was thinking or if she was thinking at all, but it was peaceful.

Leila kept glancing our way, but for once she didn't say anything. I closed my eyes and leaned my cheek against the top of Ana's head.

"Andrew." Mrs. Steele called to her son. "Why don't we put all those years of piano lessons to work and sing some Christmas carols?"

Ah, there was the Christmas fiend Ana had mentioned.

Andrew obediently moved to the piano in the corner of the room, and he pulled the cushion of the bench up to look in the hidden storage beneath. He picked up a book.

"The red book." Mrs. Steele said.

He returned the book he'd chosen, and picked up a red one instead.

He flipped through the pages for a few seconds then asked, "Silent Night?"

Mrs. Steele nodded, and he turned to Ana. "Ana? Max?"

I was more than a little taken aback by his use of their shortened names, but Ana sat up a little, and leaned her head against my shoulder instead, and Max sat up straighter as he began to play and the two sisters started to sing, creating a beautiful harmony.

"Silent night. Holy night.

All is calm all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace."

It was amazing how even a song I'd heard a hundred times sounded beautiful and special coming from her. There was something just slightly different in her tone, in her phrasing, that made the song sound fresh to my ears. Her voice was soft and vulnerable, and I couldn't stop myself from turning to face her. She lifted her head up and looked at me. I brushed a hand across her cheek, and she leaned into my touch.

I brushed her hair back, and I could feel her walls dropping. Her fear fled, my anger abandoned me, and certainty crept in. I was certain that we weren't as different as we wanted to believe, certain that she felt something for me, certain that this could work.

She took a breath, and I was certain that she could feel it, too.

Then the music ended, and the spell broke. I saw her retreat back into herself. She slid over on the couch, and all my certainties came crashing down.

I understood that she was unsure, but I just couldn't take this anymore.

 **Sorry this is so late! Life is sooo busy at the moment, keep reviewing and I hope you enjoy it!:)**

 **Sophie x**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hi guys! Sorry this is a bit short, but the next few chapters are going to be very heated and a lot of things are going to happen, please keep telling me what you think and I hope you enjoy it:)**

 **Sophie x**

Ana POV

I kept my distance.

It was the only way I knew to keep my heart.

I knew I couldn't keep him away forever, but I managed it through the rest of Mom's impromptu caroling session when everyone else started singing. I maintained the distance until it was time for bed. He was in his room, and I was in mine. And I was going to need my sleep to recharge my resolve, both with respect to Christian and to telling my parents the truth.

It was a bad sign for both that I was still wide awake at 2:00 A.M. when a knocking started on my door.

I was wearing a little camisole and a thong. I thought of rummaging for a pair of shorts to pull on, but whoever was knocking was making enough noise to wake up my parents, so I figured it was better to just answer them.

When I pulled open the door, Christian stormed into my room. Panicked, I peeked my head out the door, but there were no lights on, which meant he hadn't woken anyone, yet. I shut the door quietly and said, "What are you doing here?"

His eyes snapped from my bare legs up to my face, and his eyes were blazing.

"You're mad." I said in confusion.

"Hell yes, I'm mad."

"I told you that I would tell them, Christian. I was planning to do it in the morning, in fact. It's all I've been thinking about."

"That's not what I'm mad about."

I barely had time to mutter, "Then what?" before he'd caught my face in his hands and pulled my lips to his.

His kiss was angry and punishing, and I felt it all the way in the marrow of my bones.

"I'm angry that you keep pushing me away when I know you don't want to."

He crushed our lips together again, bruising and beautiful.

"I'm angry that you left me after the best sex of my life."

He turned and pressed me against the door, just like he did that night. I whimpered in response.

"More than anything, I'm angry that I had to wait so long to kiss you again."

Then he poured his anger into me, our tongues battling for dominance. I was so in shock that I didn't know whether to push him away or pull him closer, not that he gave me much of a choice. His hands found my wrists, and he pressed them into the door above my head. He wrung every last ounce of fear out of me until I was weak and panting and absolutely out of my mind with desire.

When he started to pull back, I shot forward and kissed him again. He released my hands, and I grasped the bulge of his shoulders. His teeth grazed my bottom lip in an almost bite, and I lost it.

All my excuses were buried deep beneath the heat of his body against mine. I pressed my hips into his, and he groaned into my mouth. I couldn't control myself. My hands trailed from his waist to his chest, and he held me tighter in response. I spun us, and started pulling him toward my bed.

His hand slid down to my ass, and his kiss was so desperate and consuming that I wanted to rejoice or scream or cry.

The back of my knees hit the bed at the same time that he pulled away.

His eyes were dark, and his breathing labored. "Whatever stupid reasoning you've got for staying away from me, it's wrong. And I won't stop until I've proven it to you."

Then he left, and I fell back on my bed in shock.

It took nearly five minutes before I could do anything but sit there with my fingers pressed to my swollen lips.

As soon as I heard Mom bustling around downstairs, I pulled myself out of bed. It was still dark out, but even without a sufficient amount of sleep, my strength felt renewed. Maybe Christian had kissed some confidence into me the night before. Whatever the reason, my heart was eerily steady as I dressed that morning. I put on the scoop neck shirt that I'd started the day in yesterday.

I pulled my hair up into a half up half down style, so that my tattoos were unmissable. The shirt only showed the very tips of my branches, but the lines were dark enough that they couldn't be missed. I replaced the plastic retainers with my usual ear and nose piercings.

This moment was years in the making.

I'd spent so much of my life, too much of it, altering myself to please other people. This was my crossroads moment, and nothing would be the same on this new road, including me.

Before I could change my mind, I went next door to the guest room and knocked.

Christian opened the door, already up and ready for the day. His hair was damp and curled around his face. I could smell the familiar, masculine scent of him from here. Last night came rushing back at me, and it took a serious amount of self control not to throw myself at him.

He said, "Good morning."

His tone was cautious, like maybe I had come to deliver an angry tirade of my own. But I wasn't angry, just, on the verge of hyperventilating.

All the calm I'd woken up with disappeared upon seeing him. Somehow, he made it all feel real. My control crumbled, and my throat felt like it was going to close up. He must have seen the freak out coming because he pulled me into his room and closed the door behind us. I turned my back on him and said, "Just give me a second."

I pressed my palms into my eyes to try to stop the tears that were building there.

"Ana..." His voice was soft and came from right in front of me.

"I'm okay." I whispered without lowering my hands. I hated getting emotional, but nothing was worse than getting emotional in front of another person. A person I had grown to care about more than I would like to admit.

His arms circled me, and I sunk into his chest. My breath rattled in my chest, and I fisted my hands in the front of his shirt.

"You can do this." He said.

There it was, the belief. He had far more faith in me than I had in myself. If nothing else good came of this, at least there was that.

"It won't be easy." He said. Understatement of the year. "But your parents love you, Ana." I laughed, even though nothing was funny. My throat was thick with emotion. He brought a hand up and pulled my hands from my eyes. "And if they can't see how amazing you are, they're blind."

I swallowed, and my throat felt raw. I didn't know what I'd ever done to deserve him. I didn't know why he would come anywhere near someone as toxic as me, but I was thankful.

Silence filled the room, but it was the comfortable kind of quiet that Christian and I had had before everything had changed. I didn't say anything because I didn't need to.

He held out his hand, and I latched onto it like I was falling and he was the only thing that could save me.

"I'll be with you every step of the way."

Some of the tightness in my chest eased, and I nodded.

"Thank you." I said.

"I don't know why you're thanking me."

I remembered the way he'd put himself out there last night and said, "You faced your demons, and came out on top. So, maybe I can, too."

He smiled and squeezed my hand.

"Come on, fearless girl."

I was far from fearless, but knowing he thought I was provided me with half the courage I needed. We left the guest room, and descended the stairs together.

Dad was watching television, and Mom was messing with something in the kitchen when we came downstairs. Andrew was on his phone, the Antichrist was flipping through a Better Homes and Gardens magazine, and Max was on her phone.

Leila saw me first, and her jaw dropped. God, it felt good to be the cause of that horrendous look on her face. I hoped it stuck that way.

She called, "Carla!" Her face turned smug, and I thought back to Christian's question the night before. Why did she hate me? Probably because, just like my parents, she liked her world nice and neat and clean. I wasn't any of those things, with or without the tattoos.

Christian squeezed my hand, and I took the deepest breath that I could get. Mom came in from the kitchen drying a pan with a towel and said, "Yes?"

Leila pointed in my direction. I took a few steps until I was all the way in the living room. Christian kept close by my side. Mom's eyes settled on me, but it was several long seconds before she really saw me. She dropped the pan and it clanged against the hardwood floors. Her face passed through a spectrum of emotions that normally I would have found funny, except that I had no idea which one she would end up landing on. It was like Wheel of Fortune, only all the good possibilities had been removed. Dad looked up from the television just as Mom said, "Anastasia Rose Steele, how could you do such a hideous thing to your body?"

It stung, but I kept my expression as blank as possible.

Dad asked, "What hideous thing?" He turned to face me, and I saw the anger wash over him. Out of the two of them, he was the more unpredictable one. He stood slowly, his motions stiff and small. His eyes flitted between my neck and my ear piercings and back again.

"What in the name of God have you done?"

His tone was soft, but clipped. This was the scariest version of him, still and silent and like the calm before the storm. Mom came to stand by Dad, and he took her under his arm. She turned weepy and mopped at her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Why does she do these things to us?" She asked him.

All my anxiety ignited into anger.

"I didn't do this to you. I made a choice about what to do with my body. It had nothing to do with either of you."

My father exploded. "You mark yourself up like some kind of, tramp on the street, and you expect it not to bother us?" He didn't raise a hand to me, but he might as well have. It hurt just as bad.

"Ray." Christian's voice cut in, hard and firm. Dad paused, and I could see his embarrassment and fury at having someone outside the family witness this conversation.

"Son, I think you should leave us alone to deal with this."

Panic crushed me, and I crushed Christian's hand between mine in return.

"With all due respect, sir, I'm not going anywhere."

Mom sputtered in disbelief, and Dad fumed. I didn't want them to hate Christian for something that was all about me. I took a step closer and said, "I know you don't like these kinds of things, but-"

"-Don't like them?" Mom's voice turned hysterical. "We raised you in the Church. You've been taught since you could speak that your body is a temple, and now you've destroyed it. You know what the Bible says about those kinds of abominations."

"The Bible also says to give away your riches, but you guys sure haven't bothered to do that. And I didn't destroy my body. There are no needle tracks on my arms. I'm not addicted to anything, nor have I become a prostitute, Dad. This is art that means enough to me that I made it a part of myself."

"Squiggly lines mean a lot to you?" Dad barked. "And birds? Yes, I can understand why birds mean a lot to you."

"Freedom means a lot to me."

"I'm glad to hear that because you're going to get plenty of it. If that's what you do with the money we give you, mutilate yourself and ruin all your chances of having a decent, respectable life, then we're done helping you."

That news hurt a lot less than I thought it would. In the grand scheme of things, their money meant nothing. It was the least important thing they could take from me.

"You've not been interested in helping me in a long time."

Dad said, "I mean it, Anastasia. You better hope your little music thing works out because you'll not get a decent job anywhere else looking like that."

I couldn't stay there anymore without doing something crazy. I gritted my teeth and spat out, "My name is Ana. Ana. And that 'little music thing' is my life. I'm tired of you trying to turn it and me into what you want. I'm not Anastasia, and I'm not Katherine."

Mom gasped like I'd slapped her. Even that made me furious. She threw around Kate's name all the time, trying to push photos and old knickknacks on me. But the minute we tried for honesty about my sister and me, I'd apparently taken it too far.

I spun around and went to the table at the end of the foyer where Mom and Dad kept all the car keys. I found the familiar key of the car I used to drive before I moved to Seattle.

"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" Mom cried.

"To clear my head. I'll be back when being here doesn't make me sick to my fucking stomach."

Though at the moment, the answer to that felt like never.

It was becoming harder to breath, and I knew exactly where I would go, the same place I always went when I wished for a different life.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hi guys! This chapter is a long one because it's super intense, so I hope you enjoy it! Please keep reviewing!**

 **Sophie x**

Christian POV

I'd almost dragged her out of there several times myself. I knew it would be difficult for her to have it out with her parents, but I hadn't anticipated how much it would affect me, nor could I ever have dreamed her parents would have reacted so badly. I thought parents were supposed to love unconditionally? I assumed they would be mad, scream a bit, maybe cry, then settle down and talk it out like adults. When her father called her a tramp, I very nearly hit a man that was three times my age.

Max glared at her parents as she stood up. "What the hell did you just do?"

Carla turned to her in disbelief. "Excuse me?"

"The one time she's honest with you, the one time she opens up to you two and you act like that? You have absolutely no idea who she is, do you?" They continued to stare at her and she shook her head. "You are just as clueless as you were with Kate. And with me."

Ray stepped forward with his finger pointed to her. "Don't you dare speak to us like that young lady-"

"-Dad stop." Andrew said, and everyone turned to him in shock, including Leila. "Max is right. You two don't know anything about Ana. She has bent to suit what you want for twenty one years, and you haven't even noticed." Leila took his arm and pulled it.

"Darling, you're embarrassing yourself." She said quietly and he pulled his arm out of her perfectly manicured grasp.

"I don't care." She gasps and turns to face his parents. "I love my sister, Max loves her too. You love the person that she tries to be around you, and that is not acceptable as her parents." He shakes his head and walks out the room, towards where Ana went.

Max stands and looks at me. "What are you doing still standing there? Go!"

I nodded and quickly followed Andrew out a door in the kitchen that opened into the garage. I expected her parents to come after us, but they didn't do that either. I saw her standing in front of Andrew, with his hands on her shoulders. He said something to her and she nodded, looking surprised. Then he pulled her into his arms and I could see the shock register on her face. They obviously hadn't done that in a while. She hugged him back eventually, and in that moment I could see how much she appreciated the comfort from her brother. She loved her family, but they were just too much to bare without being herself, and she could finally let the old her go. When he let her go he pressed a kiss to her forehead and turned, walking back towards me. He patted me on the shoulder and said, "Take care of her, Christian." I nodded and walked towards Ana who had got in the car and started it.

"Ana-"

"-Just get in the car, Christian."

Thank God. I was worried she wanted to leave without me. Needless to say, going back into that living room would have been awkward. I jogged around to the other side and slid into the passenger seat. The electric garage door was already opening, and as soon as it was up, Ana edged out of the garage, tore down the driveway and out into the street. She shifted the car into drive and slammed on the gas.

"Ana, be careful, please."

She slowed down a little, but not much.

"I'm sorry." I said. God, that seemed so inadequate. All of this was my fault. "I never should have made you do that. I am so sorry."

She smiled, and her eyes were watery. "Don't be."

"I shouldn't have pushed you. You were scared, and apparently with good reason."

"I always find a good reason to be scared, golden boy. I think it's time I got over that, don't you?"

I knew what she was saying, and my heart tried to soar, but I was still too torn up over what I'd witnessed. Anything that made tears form in her eyes was something I never wanted her to have to face. For the first time, I felt afraid of where this was heading, afraid of the depth of my feelings for her.

My life moved at a slow pace. It took years before I had feelings for Elena. Never before had I fell so intensely and so quickly. Ana swept into my life like a hurricane, and I never stood a chance.

She made a sharp left turn, then a right, and another left. We were in subdivision hell, and for all I could tell, it looked like we were back on the same street. She turned right again and dead ended into a two lane highway. She made a left, and we drove toward the rising sun. Her knuckles began to relax against the steering wheel. The farther away we got from her parents, the calmer she looked.

"Where are we going?"

She sighed. "To the only place more depressing than home."

Every time I thought I understood her a little bit more, I was proven wrong.

"Why?" I asked.

She looked at me. Her hair glowed in the light of the waking sun. Her eyes were a bottomless ocean that I would give up air to explore. A perfect moment passed, uninterrupted by the world, unhurried by time, untainted by fear of the past or the future. And she answered, "Closure."

We drove for another five minutes until we reached a hill on a deserted stretch of highway. Trees lined each side of the road, and they curved over the highway like a tunnel. At the top of the hill was the sun, and it looked like we'd drive right into it if we didn't stop. It was breathtaking. The kind of scene you see in landscape photos and paintings. Ana pulled over into a ditch just before the hill and trees started. She turned off the ignition and sat there, staring for a moment. Her gaze was so intense that I didn't want to say anything. Whatever this place was, it meant more to her than just pretty scenery.

Quietly, she spoke. "Come with me."

She removed the key and shoved it into the pocket of her jeans. She opened the door and started walking along the highway toward the hill. I unbuckled my seat belt and hurried after her. She was silent as she trudged through the knee high grass. I followed behind her and realized there was a small trail worn into the earth. The grass and weeds bent backward out of our way, and I had a feeling that this path was of Ana's making.

Her breath came heavier as the hill inclined, but she didn't slow or waver. She also didn't speak. When we reached the top, my shirt was stuck to my back with sweat, and I'd removed my coat despite the cold. Ana had left hers at the house, but she didn't even answer when I offered her mine.

The path veered off its straight line toward a rocky outcrop at the top of the hill. Ana followed and climbed with practiced ease to the top of the largest rock. I followed, trying to step in the same places that she had. I sat beside her, and our feet dangled off the edge of the rock. We were underneath the cover of the trees, and we could see down both sides of the hill where the highway stretched into the distance.

It was peaceful up here. You couldn't see any glimpse of the city, nor was there a car or house in sight. I could understand why she would come here. This far away from life, in the middle of nowhere, your soul felt bigger somehow.

She took a shaky breath, pointed to the road, and said, "My sister died right there, while I watched."

All the air rushed out of my lungs, and my soul, which had felt clear and infinite moments ago, was mangled. She'd said it quietly and calmly with no hesitation, but I could see the toll the words took on her. Her hands were knotted tightly in her lap. She was still and stiff except for the swallowing motion of her throat that repeated every few seconds.

"I was thirteen and at some ridiculous sleepover at a friends that I hadn't wanted to go to, but Mom had made me. So, as I so often do, I acted like a bitch and pissed off the girl throwing the party. Mom sent Kate to come get me."

She looked up at the purple and pink morning sky and pressed her lips together. "Kate was good about stuff like that. Most teenagers would have pitched a fit over having to come get their little sister on a Saturday night, but not Kate. She was upset about something, and I kept bugging her to tell me what it was. That was when I found out why she was at home on a Saturday night. Mom and Dad had found pot in her room, and she was pretty much grounded for eternity. That's part of why my parents are so crazy conservative now."

Ana sniffed and pressed the back of her left hand to her mouth for a moment. Then she reached for the leather cuff bracelet on her wrist and removed it. On the pale skin of the inside of her wrist was a tattoo I'd never noticed before. It read 11:12. Something started to sink in my stomach, and I prepared myself for what I knew was coming next.

"It was 11:12." Her voice broke, and tears started sliding down her face. "I know because I was messing with the radio, trying to find a decent station out here in the middle of nowhere. Kate was talking about how unreasonable Mom and Dad were. The pot was Andrew's, but she didn't want to tell on him, so she took the heat. We were nearing the top of the hill, and neither of us was paying much attention. There was a guy coming up on the other side of the hill, and he'd fallen asleep at the wheel."

Ana started to shiver, and even though I was sure it wasn't from the cold, I hung my coat around her shoulders. She exhaled and closed her eyes. Her eyes and lips were pressed into straight lines. Her tears reflected the sunlight, and her face looked fractured, rearranged by grief.

Her pitch was higher and her volume louder as she continued, "Kate swerved, but she wasn't fast enough. His car clipped the side of ours at the same time that Kate slammed on the brakes. We started spinning, and then the car was in the air. I remember everything and nothing about the seconds that followed. I screamed and looked out my window at the tree we were flying toward. I looked back at Kate, and there was glass flying everywhere and a hole in the windshield. She wasn't in her seat, but one of her shoes was stuck between the bottom of the dash and what was left of the window. I stared at that shoe for lifetimes before the top of the car slammed into the earth. It had to have been a second, maybe two, but my mind raced into the future. I thought about what I would do, what we would all do if Kate died. I pictured growing up without her, missing her on every birthday and holiday. I saw ten years into the future, and it was terrible."

She shuddered, and her breath came out choppy. She pressed a hand to her chest, like she was physically holding her heart inside her body. I couldn't go another second sitting here doing nothing. I scooted closer and put my hand over the one on her heart. She laced our fingers, and pressed our combined fists hard into her skin.

"My vision went black for a few seconds from the pressure of slamming into my seat belt. I was hanging upside down, and my skin was slicked with blood from all the glass in my skin. I saw her shoe again, and I started screaming. I don't remember if it was words or just noise, but my sister was out there. No matter how I twisted and pulled, I couldn't get my seat belt to come undone. I stopped struggling and started twisting to see if I could spot Kate anywhere through any of the windows. I looked out the side window, and I could just see her bright pink sweatshirt and this mound that had to be her body. She wasn't moving, and I screamed her name as loud as I could. I screamed it again and again, and I kept waiting for her to move or for the guy from the other car to come find her or for anyone to come help. But no one came. I didn't know it at the time, but the guy who hit us ran into a tree, and he died, too. I didn't have a cell phone because Mom had taken it away, and I didn't know where Kate was. I kept screaming and crying for Kate for I don't know how long, but I was the only living thing for miles. I don't know how long it was before someone came along. When they did, my throat was raw, my vision was spotty, and it felt like someone was squeezing my head as hard as they could. And I knew my sister was dead."

I pulled her into my arms, and she cried until the events of the morning disappeared, until the present took a backseat to the past.

Until I knew I couldn't live without her.

Ana POV

I felt hollowed out. Like all the pieces of me that I'd been holding together for years had poured out of my skin. Those pieces were broken and jagged and had torn me up for far too long. It was good they were gone, but now I was empty.

I'd never told anyone that story in its entirety. I told the paramedics what they needed to know, and the therapists what they wanted to hear. I still couldn't quite believe that I'd told Christian. I was too afraid to look at his face, to see the knowledge of who I was in his eyes. I concentrated instead on his heartbeat, strong and steady beneath my cheek. All the things my life had never been. I needed something steady, because I wasn't through yet. If I really wanted closure, really wanted to let this all go, there was more.

The morning had become noisy with the singing and droning of insects, and I whispered above it, "I wished it was me that died. That's why I kept coming back here. I was the one who didn't fit, who didn't work. Kate was the good one, and it should have been me. "

Christian took me by the arms and pushed me away from his chest. "What happened to your sister and to you was terrible. It was a tragedy that I wish you'd never had to face, but don't ever say it should have been you. You lived, and despite suffering a tragedy that would have crippled many people, you became a strong, beautiful, talented woman."

I didn't wish that it had been me anymore. Well, not very often anyway. But I was too raw to listen to his praise right now.

I wiped my eyes, stretched my limbs, and tried not to look at him.

The sun was moving high overhead, and I felt like it was shining light on all my secrets, all my flaws, even that dark, hidden thorn at the back of my heart.

"You get it now, don't you? Why I pushed you away?"

The wind was wreaking havoc on my hair, and he reached out and brushed some of it back and over my shoulder.

"I think I've gotten it for a while, Ana."

I took a deep breath, thinking maybe this would be easier than I had anticipated.

"So you understand? That's good. We should call and see if we can move your flight to Seattle up. You can go be with your family, and I'll try to fix what I've done to mine."

I hopped down off the rock, and he followed.

"Ana, I'm not going anywhere unless you come with me."

There he went, sacrificing his own needs for mine. Maybe it was a mistake to let him see me like this. He was so empathetic that he felt the need to help every person in pain.

I turned, heading for the trail, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me. "I'll be okay, Christian. I can handle my parents." At least, I hoped I could.

I went to pull away, but he just pulled me around to face him completely. He was so close, and my body had a mind of its own. I swayed toward him.

"I'm not staying because I think you need me. I'm staying because I want to. I told you last night that I would prove you wrong, and this," He gestured to the hill in front of us. "Doesn't change anything." His grey eyes shone bright and sincere. "I should have come after you when you left that night, and I won't make the mistake of letting you go again."

I closed my eyes. How could one sentence make me miserable and joyful at the same time?

Mournfully, I said, "No you shouldn't have."

He flinched, but he kept going. "There are some things that are worth fighting for, no matter the outcome, and you are one of them."

"Christian..."

"I know how different we are. I know that I'm not your normal type. But I also know that you're attracted to me." His hand came up to my cheek, and my traitorous body greedily accepted his touch. "I know that you make me laugh, and that I love hearing your voice, especially when you sing. I know that I haven't stopped thinking about you since the day you sat down beside me at that coffee shop." If I was honest, that was probably true for me, too. "And I know that I hate seeing you in pain, more than anything else in the world."

"Christian I just can't."

I tried to pull away, but his other hand came up to my face, and he held me firm.

"Why?"

"I'll hurt you."

"I'll take my chances."

I pushed away, and this time he let me go. I pointed up toward the hill where we'd spent the last several hours. "Don't you see who I am? What I cause? I'm poison."

His expression turned angry, "You are not poison, Ana."

I shook my head, and hated that I was fighting not to cry again.

"I am. I ruin everything good that comes into my life. It all rots around me, and you would be exactly the same way."

"You're wrong. You couldn't ruin me, because everything about you makes me better. You make me take chances and make bolder choices. You make me less concerned with being perfect and more concerned with being real. You make me want to be fearless."

The closer he came, the more nervous I got, and I was fighting the temptation to run. "Would you stop saying that? I told you before. I'm not fearless! I'm the complete opposite. I am filled with fear every day of my life, and it chokes me until I can't move or breathe or think without it taking over. It doesn't matter how much time passes, I still feel like I'm hanging upside down in that seat with the world crumbling around me." I couldn't catch my breath. All the walls I'd built over the years had been torn down when I'd told him about Kate, and now there was nothing to keep all the emotions from flooding me.

"I know you're not fearless, but I don't think you let fear rule you as much as you think you do. You fight for your dreams. You don't take shit from anyone. You were brave enough to be yourself, even in front of your parents. You are the most vibrant, beautiful thing I have ever seen."

He stood in front of me, and one of his hands slid inside his coat to rest on the small of my back. Energy crackled between us, and his forehead pressed against mine.

"Close your eyes. Remember what we talked about that night after your concert? Living is hard. It was hard when the accident happened, it's hard today, and it will be hard again in the future. So, you close your eyes and you breathe. Breathe with me."

I was shaking, but I felt stronger with him in front of me, his gentle breaths fanning across my lips. I breathed until the weight of the world seemed easier to manage. Maybe that was just because I wasn't holding it alone.

I admitted, "I'm so afraid."

"I know you are. But fear lets us know we're alive. It tells me that you care about what happens between us because the mind doesn't waste time being scared about things that don't matter." He stopped for a moment and let me breathe.

"Now open your eyes, Ana. You are not poison. I am not better off without you. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't have feelings for me."

I looked him in the eye, but I couldn't say that, because it wasn't true.

"Then that's all I need. We both have baggage, Ana, but I'm done letting it control me. You said you came here for closure, and I think that's what we both need. We've had too much death and disappointment, so we don't know how to accept the good things when they happen to us. I'm done with that. I'm done with letting people go."

I was happy that he was battling his demons, but I'd been fighting mine all day, and I wasn't sure I could face another. I said, "You don't understand. Yes, I have feelings for you." His lips spread into a smile, and it almost derailed my thoughts. I pulled my face away from his and continued, "It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, leaving you. But I know myself. I know how I work, and that's why I don't trust myself to be with you. My heart is fickle and inconsistent, and I'm terrified I'll wake up one day and feel differently."

He smiled sadly and said, "I think you're terrified that you won't."

My mouth snapped shut. As was becoming a pattern, he was right.

He continued, "And if you do wake up one day and don't want to be with me, I will fight for you like I am now." His thumb brushed against my lip, and he pulled me into his chest. "I'll remind you every day how amazing it feels when your body touches mine. I'll remind you of the good times, and help you forget the bad. I'll remind you who you are when life has beaten you down and made you doubt it. I'll bust down your door in the middle of the night and kiss you until you remember that your fears are just that, and they can't control you. I'll take my chances against your fickle and inconsistent heart if it means it's mine."

I was beginning to realize that it already was. I looked at the top of the hill over Christian' shoulder. I'd always associated this place with endings, but maybe it was about beginnings, too. I took a deep breath and said, "I'm going to be a raging bitch most of the time."

He was so much more eloquent than me, but I had a feeling that was a yes enough for him. A wide smile formed on his lips, and my heart felt like it filled my entire chest.

"I thought you were working on that."

I smiled back and shrugged. "Horrible attention span."

We laughed, and it released some of the pressure in my chest.

He said, "I'm not asking you not to be afraid. In fact, the day that you aren't is when I'll start to worry. All I'm asking is for that date you promised the day we met."

"I can do that."

He closed the space between us, and his lips met mine. The empty spaces in me were filled to the brim, and for the first time in a long time, the world felt right side up again.


	23. Chapter 23

Christian POV

After she was in my arms again, I was reluctant to let her go long enough for us to get anywhere. We grabbed blankets from the trunk of her car and cocooned ourselves away in the backseat. We kissed and touched and talked like we had all the time in the world.

I hoped that we did.

We lay wrapped up together, trying to fit both of us on a too small backseat.

I said, "I remember this being a lot more comfortable in high school."

She lifted her head and raised an eyebrow. "Spend a lot of time in backseats, did you, golden boy?"

I pressed my fingertips into her sides, and she squirmed against me, laughing.

"I thought we'd established that the past was the past?"

I let her wrestle my hands off of her, and she pressed both of them flat against my chest. "Of course it is, but just to make sure your mind is firmly in the present." She kissed me.

Each new kiss from her outdid the memory of the last. I broke my hands out of her grasp, and she pouted against my lips. Then I tangled my hands in her hair, and she stopped complaining. It was cold in the car, but there was nothing but heat between us. Unlike the last time we'd kissed, she was in no hurry now. We alternated between talking and kissing until the sun shined from the other side of the sky, at which point both of our backs were killing us.

She asked, "This is how it starts isn't it? We're getting old."

"Oh yeah, you're already past your prime. Life only goes downhill from here."

She swatted my chest, and then pressed a kiss to the place where she hit me.

"I'm glad you fought for me." She said after a moment of silence.

"I think it's got to the point where love you too much to let you go." I whispered back to her and she froze, moving away from me and looking at me with the same fear I saw when we were making love.

"Ana, stop." I said, pulling her back into my arms, she was stiff but I held her close as I murmured, "You don't have to say anything back, you don't even have to say anything at all, not until you're ready. I just needed you to know why."

It was silent before she said, "Why what?"

"Why I got angry at you for giving up and not admitting what we had together. I'm sorry I did."

She wrapped her arms around me and leaned her head in the crook of my neck. "Don't be, I'm happy you did. I would never have done it if you hadn't got angry at me. Plus that kiss was something else." She giggled, and I closed my eyes trying to memorise the sound.

"It was, wasn't it? I take it you like things a bit rough then." I said, swallowing, feeling the temperature rise in the car.

"You could say that." She giggled, obviously sensing my body language had changed at the mention of rough sex.

"Interesting." I said, kissing her hair and tightening my hold on her, my earlier confession forgotten.

It was around sunset when we returned to her parents' house. I'd told her that we could get a hotel or go back to Seattle, but she insisted that she could face her parents again. When we pulled into the driveway, her mother was out the door and sobbing into Ana's hair before we even closed the car doors.

"Your father tried to follow you, but he lost you in the subdivisions. We tried calling you, but you left your phone here. Don't you ever scare us like that again."

Ana's expression looked like she was being hugged by one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but she was hugging her mother back.

"Your father has been torn to pieces. He's out there looking for you now."

"I'm okay, Mom. I just needed to deal with some things."

Her mother pulled back and held Ana's face in her hands. She brushed her hair back tenderly from her forehead.

"I'm sorry about the things I said...Ana." Ana did the constant swallowing thing, which I knew meant she was about to cry. "Your father and I are just scared. We lost your sister, and now everything terrifies us." Ana made a noise halfway between a sob and a laugh. "If it had been up to me, you never would have driven a car or left the house or done anything that took you out of my sight. We just want you to have the best life possible, and we tend to forget that it's not our wants that matter. You're an adult now, and it's time for your father and I stopped trying to control your life."

Ana hugged her mother, probably the first hug she'd initiated in a decade, and Mrs. Steele burst into a second round of sobs.

It wouldn't be easy. Ana was too hurt and her parents too upset for a cry session to fix everything, but it was the beginning, and that's all we can ask for in life, for a beginning to follow every end.

Ana's father came home, and after close to an hour of the three of them talking and crying, Ana looked like she needed a break.

"Why don't we go get you a dress for that gala?" I asked. "It's tomorrow, right? I bet the mall is open for a couple more hours still."

Mrs. Steele looked distressed at the mention of something as mundane as the mall, but she said, "They're open late for last minute holiday shopping, I think. But we don't have to go to the gala, dear."

"Of course we do." Ana said.

"What Gala is it?"

Mrs Steele's eyes lit up when I asked. "Oh it's wonderful. Tomorrow morning we all fly over to Seattle where we go to a hotel, then we drive to Bellevue for the gala- Wait, Christian isn't that where you grew up?"

Oh god, if I was correct, my parents were hosting their annual Coping Together charity gala tomorrow. I had only just put two and two together.

"Yes, would that be the Coping Together gala by any chance?"

"Yes it is. Why? Do you know the hosts?" I knew them very well indeed.

"They're my parents." I felt Ana stiffen next to me and I felt momentarily fearful that I was losing her when I only just got her.

"Oh my! What a small world! Well, we most definitely have to go. How exciting! You will come, won't you Ana?"

She nodded and her mom smiled, and I could almost see the broken thread between them being repaired. A thread was a long way from a bridge, but it was something.

Her mother tried to give Ana her credit card to pay for the clothing.

"No, Mom. It's okay, I'll find something."

"Don't be ridiculous. I know you hate these things and are only doing it for me. So, let me pay. And get Christian something, too. Leila was talking about putting him in one of Andrew's old suits that's still in his closet. I'm sure he'd rather not look like he's going to the junior prom."

"Actually mom, Christian's business just hit the million dollar mark. He doesn't need you to buy him clothes, he's a millionaire." Ana said, hugging my arm and looking up at me proudly. I'm pretty sure she told her mom only because Leila was in the room, who choked on her drink when she heard.

"You're a millionaire?" She said, her hand to her chest as she spluttered from choking. I decided to play along only because I could see how much Ana was enjoying it.

"That's right Leila, so I'll buy Ana's dress, Mrs Steele. Don't worry." Her mom grinned wildly at us as though she hadn't fought with her earlier on in the day. Ana made it very clear that was buying something cheap, mainly because Leila was still in the room. As it turned out though, even Ana couldn't stomach the dresses she found at the department store, and we wound up at a vintage shop a few blocks away. The owner was getting ready to close when we walked in, but she offered to stay open a little bit longer. Holiday spirit and all that. Ana looked like she was in heaven.

I found a suit pretty quickly, it was a dark grey that Ana said made my eyes stand out. It came with suspenders, which Ana approved of. She hooked her hands around them, and used them to pull my mouth down to hers.

I decided I was going to have to kiss her every half hour just to continue reminding myself that it was real.

Ana tried on a few things, like a red beaded number that ended in the middle of her thighs that made me want to follow her into the dressing room. She tried on another that was dark green and cut high on her neck, covering her tree tattoo.

"That's gorgeous." I said. "But don't you dare pick that one."

"You don't think I should cover them?"

I backed her into her dressing room and closed the door.

"I don't think you should ever cover yourself."

She smiled and laid a hand on my chest. "Thanks."

"I mean it, I think you should just be naked all the time."

She laughed. "Oh, is that what you think?"

"Yes, I've put a lot of thought into it."

"I bet you have."

She reached up and curved a hand around the back of my neck. I took that as permission enough and pressed her into the mirror.

Her nails bit into my neck, and I groaned.

"Shh! You're going to get us into trouble."

"The best kind of trouble."

I marked a path from her mouth, across her jaw, and down her neck. Her head tilted back against the mirror, and she whimpered. The sound shot straight through me, and I strangled a groan in response.

"Somehow, I don't think this is what the owner had in mind when she offered to stay open a little longer for us."

I found a spot at the base of her neck just above her collarbone that made her say, "Oh God." I concentrated my efforts there, and she wrapped both hands around my neck like she was going to fall. Her breath came in heavy pants, and mine wasn't much better. I'd not meant for it to go this far, but touching her had a way of derailing my best intentions. I started to kiss lower, but the high neckline of her dress limited my travels.

I groaned, "This dress is definitely not the one."

She gave a shaky laugh, and pushed me away.

After that, I wasn't allowed in her dressing room. She didn't even let me see the final dress. She made me return to the car because she wanted it to be a surprise, and because she felt guilty about taking too long.

When I finally saw her in the dress the next day once we got back to Seattle, it was the kind of dress I could see her getting married in.

She stood at my door, smiling in a way that was demure and unfamiliar and set my heart racing. I'd experienced a plethora of emotions in my life. When I looked at her, the feeling in my chest eclipsed them all, and I knew that I loved her more than I could handle.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She said, wrapping her arms around herself. "Do you not like it? Will your parents not like it?"

I shook my head and unfurled her arms from around her and placed my hands on her waist. "You look beautiful Ana."

She draped her arms around my neck and smiled sweetly. "You are too fluffy, golden boy."

I laughed and said, "Fluffy?"

"You know." She said, waving her hand about. "Mushy, cheesy, corny, whatever you call it."

I pressed my forehead against hers and murmured, "But it turns you on, so I'll continue to do it as long as I live."

She tilted her face up and her lips met mine softly at first, but when I laced my fingers through her hair she deepened the kiss and her tongue pushed through my lips. When we broke away, I ran a hand through my hair, smiled and said, "We're going to be late."

"I don't care if we're late because of this." She said, her eyes dark. I chuckled and shook my head, pulling her hand towards the door.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

 **A/N - Hi guys! I'm back! I wrote this chapter a few days ago and have only just finished going over it, because I want it to be the best I can do as it's been so long since my last update! Thank you for being so patient and I will shut up now so you can get on with reading the new chapter!As always, please follow and leave reviews, I love to see what you guys think!**

 **Sophie:) xx**

 **Ana**

I stayed silent for the entirety of the car journey, Christian tried to speak to me for the first five minutes but then he left me to my own thoughts which I was grateful for. What would his parents think of me? Would they like my dress? My tattoos? Shit, would they like me?

I couldn't stop the nagging in the back of my head that told me I would never be good enough for Christian. He was so perfect, I mean I called him golden boy for a reason, and I know that when put next to him, I'll always feel inadequate.

That being said, it isn't his fault I'm so insecure. He has shown me a side of myself that I never thought I would see again, not after Kate.

It's getting progressively easier to talk about her now that I've finally accepted what happened. Without Christian I would have continued to let that darkness overcome me, but now it's morphed into a light, filled with colour, dancing around in my heart.

I look over at him to find that he was already looking at me, concern etched into his handsome face. And that's when I knew.

It's a strange feeling when you realise that you're in love with someone. You hardly feel any different, but there is a lightness in your body, you can taste the sweetness of the air, feel the energy coursing through your veins. It's powerful, and inexplicably beautiful.

"Are you ok?" He asks, taking my hand in his.

I nod with a smile. "Christian, I-"

"-Hold that though." He says, looking forward. "We're here."

Dread. That is all I felt as the car started slowing and we pulled up to a curb. Muffled sounds of paparazzi shouting and faint flashes filled my body with fear and it felt as though someone was pressing on my chest. I couldn't do this.

"You can do this, Ana." I heard Christian say, and I hadn't realised i had said it out loud. "Look at me." I turn my face to his. "I believe in you. And I love you. You'll be fine."

As he opened the door to get out first I couldn't help but suddenly feel ridiculously self conscious about my dress, It was a deep blue that matched my hair and brought out my eye colour, and it was a halter neck with a plunging neckline that stopped about three inches above my navel, revealing the end of my branches very clearly. It was also backless, so I couldn't wear a bra with it, which Christian enjoyed a lot. It clung to my body and fell loose around my thighs to my feet where I was wearing the same colour heels.

Christian held his hand out to me and I took it hesitantly, knowing I would be blinded as soon as I walked onto the red carpet leading to the gala.

I kept a vice-like grip on Christian's arm the entire walk to the ballroom, stopping a couple of times for pictures and questions like, "Mr Grey! Who is your date for the evening!" "What are you wearing Miss?" I just looked up at Christian the entire time and subtly pulled him along, I wanted nothing more to be in there and away from these people. That being said, I might actually rather stay out here than go in and meet Christian's entire family.

When we enter the ballroom my jaw drops to the floor as I take in the scene around me. The ballroom is beautifully appointed with crystal chandeliers and a creamy color that accents the deep reds and golds that are everywhere. It was a vision and I couldn't quite believe I was in a place like this.

"Do you like my mother's style? She likes to go all out for her events." Christian murmurs in my ear and I snap my mouth shut before I drool.

"Are you kidding me? This place is fucking awesome!" I say a little too loudly and a couple stood next to us tut at me. Christian chuckles and pulls me away towards the bar. But we don't reach there because Christian is nearly knocked over by a slim woman with a short, black bob and a flowing red dress.

"Christian! I can't believe you're here!" She lets him go and glances to his hand that is still firmly grasping mine. "And you brought a girl?" She says, with a sort of childish excitement lighting up her eyes. "You must be Ana! I've heard a lot about you. Your so gorgeous! And wow! Your tattoos are amazing! Is that a tree?" She squeals, pulling my dress a little to the side to run her fingers down one of the branches. I stiffen and she looks up at me. "Oh god, I've done it again. I'm sorry, I'm a bit full on. Elliot's always telling me to calm down." She takes a deep breath and close her eyes. When she opens them again she holds out her hand and puts on a deep, calm voice when she says, "Good evening, my name is Mia Grey, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." I go to take her hand and she giggles wildly. "I'm just joking, come here!" She pulls me in, giving me a big hug, and I can't help the laugh that escapes my lips. This girl is something else.

"Hi Mia, it's really nice to meet you." I say, a little quieter than I usually am, but I'm still nervous.

"Let me go get mom and dad. Elliot should also be around here somewhere. He has a new girlfriend Christian, did you know?" She turns to him and he raises his eyebrows.

"Really? What's her name?"

"Kate."

My heart stops. Christian is instantly by my side and has his hands on my face. "Are you ok?" I nod and let out a shaky breath, looking up at him with blurry vision. I'm so frustrated with myself. It seems as though I think I'm ok until one little thing makes that darkness come straight back to the forefront of my mind and I'm back where I was before I met Christian. "Ana. It's not her. She just has the same name. You're ok. You don't have to meet her if you don't want to."

I shook my head and glanced to the side to see Mia looking at me like I'm crazy. Great. The first time I meet his sister and I've acted like a total loon.

I move out of Christian's grasp and look at Mia. "Where did you say your parents were?"

She grinned at me, my earlier strangeness forgotten. "Oh, I think they were talking to some donors, but if I tell them you're here they'll rush right over." She smiles and claps her hands together then disappears in a matter of seconds.

I turn to Christian and he takes my hands. "Your sister is a fireball." I say, laughing.

"I know. It's like she hit thirteen and just stopped maturing." We both laugh and i step closer to him, wrapping my hands around his waist, looking up into his grey eyes.

"Christian I've been meaning to tell you something." He glances up and smiles then looks back down at me, pressing his lips to my forehead.

"Can it wait? My parents are approaching."

And the dread comes back in full force.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"Christian I've been meaning to tell you something." He glances up and smiles then looks back down at me, pressing his lips to my forehead.

"Can it wait? My parents are approaching."

And the dread comes back in full force.

I turn and see a beautiful older woman with sandy blonde hair elegantly make her way over to us. She reaches Christian and pulls him into his arms while she kisses his cheek. "My darling boy, I've missed you so much," She says, her voice thick with emotion.

Christian smiles warmly, "I've missed you too mom." She pulls away then and hits him on the arm. "Ouch! What was that for?"

"You don't ever ignore my calls ever again young man. You may be in your twenties but I can still ground you." She says angrily pointing a perfectly manicured finger at him, even though there is still softness in her voice.

"Mom, not here. Don't treat me like a baby." Christian replies, sounding exactly like a child being scolded.

"Oh but you will always be my baby, Christian. That will never change." She caresses his cheek and I can't help but feel the pang of jealousy that washes over me whilst watching their exchange. The love in the room is potent, and stifling.

"Where are my manners? You must be Ana, my Mia has told me so much about you. I would've preferred it to come from my son of course, but I'm thrilled with your presence nonetheless." She pulls me into her embrace and I feel my eyes flutter shut at the warmth she's showing me.

When she pulls away she beams at me and I can't help the smile that graces my face as well. "Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you Mrs Grey."

She waves me off with her hand, "Please, Mrs Grey is my mother-in-law. Call me Grace darling."

"Ok," I smile. "You look so beautiful tonight Grace."

A slight blush covers her cheeks and she chuckles then turns to Christian. "I like her very much Christian, you can keep her for as long as you like." Then she turns back to me. "You are absolutely stunning as well my dear. I love your dress."

I grin back at her, "Thank you Grace."

"I hear that your family is attending tonight as well?" Grace says, looking around.

"Yes they are, unfortunately." I say the last part under my breath, but it doesn't go unnoticed by Grace, who regards me strangely. "I mean, I'm not sure where they are, we travelled separately." We all hear a throat clear behind Grace and she turns and takes the hand of an attractive older man. He is good looking in a George Clooney sort of way.

"May I be introduced to my gorgeous daughter-in-law to be?" He says, smiling.

Back off, flight instinct. It's just a joke.

"I'm Ana, you must be Christian's father." I say, holding my hand out to him, but he just ignores it and pulls me into his arms as well.

"In case you haven't noticed, we're a hugging family." He laughs heartily and Grace laughs with him. They're so carefree, it's envious.

"Honestly though Christian, I am so happy you found Ana." Grace turns to me, "He's come so far in a year and a half. He was so upset when Elena broke off their engagement, I mean they had been together for nearly six years. He barely got out of bed for two weeks, didn't eat or sleep. I didn't think he would ever get out of-"

"-Stop mom!" Christian says abruptly, making me jump. "Ana doesn't want to hear about Elena, and neither do I. Can you just drop it?" I've never seen him be so short with a person before.

"You were engaged?" I whisper, glancing up at him.

"I never gave her a ring we were just messing around for a couple months. It wasn't anything set in stone." He says, taking my hand.

"I think I'm going to go to the bathroom. Excuse me." I say to Christian's parents.

"Do you want me to show you where they are?" Christian asks, clearly wanting to talk.

I pull my hand out of his grasp, "I don't need you Christian, I can do it on my own." I spit, and Christian clearly understands that I'm not just talking about the bathroom because his face fills with hurt. Well fuck it, he hurt me just now. I turn and start walking away, feeling the familiar burning behind my eyes.

When I eventually find the bathroom I walk through the door and roll my eyes at who's in front of me, wiping smudged mascara off of her cheeks.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

She turns and gasps like I've scared her. "Ana?"

"Elena. Uh, you ok?" Can you tell I'm not good at comforting people?

"I'm fine." She sniffs, making me roll my eyes directly in front of her. "You don't like me do you?"

I sigh and walk to the mirror, checking my deep blue smokey eye isn't resembling a panda. I'm good for now. "I don't like a lot of people Elena, you're not special."

Her eyes fill with tears so I move closer and pat her shoulder awkwardly. "Uh, I didn't mean it. Sorry."

"No, it's not that." She shrugs away from my stiff hand. "I don't know what to do about John and the wedding, it's all too much for me."

Ok. Now I'm intrigued. "Why? You two looked utterly besotted with each other when we saw you." I say, not bothering to hide the disgust in my voice. I hate lovey dovey couples.

"Look, if I tell you something, promise not to tell Christian?" She says seriously and I shrug. "John was my professor at college. We started dating secretly during my first semester and it was exciting and discreet but now, we're free to be a couple and I'm just scared he's not as interested in me now that the secrecy and sneaking around has gone."

I sit and process what she's told me until something dawns on me. "How old were you when you started college? Same as Christian?" She nodded. That would have made her eighteen. Something didn't add up. Unless, "You cheated on Christian for the last three years of your relationship?"

Her eyes widen and she shakes her head, "What? No, I-"

"-You just said you started dating in your first semester of college. You broke up three years after that. Holy shit, you got engaged to him when you were seeing your professor?" My voice was getting louder and I was fully aware of it. The panic in Elena's face was evident and I shook my head at her. "I'm telling Christian."

I turn and start to walk away when she says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

I scoff, "Why not?"

She steps towards me. "Because I can tell Christian about how you threatened me. Who's he going to believe? His new trashy girlfriend, or the ex he can't get over?"

I get it. She thinks she's won judging by the smug look on her face. When you're a wounded animal in the company of a hungry lioness, you can either cower and submit, or feign strength. Wear your blood like a red cape of courage. That's what I do. And I never lose a cat fight.

"Tell him that I threatened you. Because that's exactly what I'm about to do." I say, slamming the bathroom door against the wall and walking towards her quickly. "Stay away from Christian and I or the door isn't going to be the only thing slammed up against the wall. Got it?"

"You can't threaten me. C-Christian will break up with you!" She says, her voice shaking.

For the third time it ten minutes I roll my eyes at her. "You have your fiancée and I have my boyfriend. Just get over yourself. You clearly love this John guy so just suck up your insecurities and tell him for fuck sake." My eyes widen when I realise that's the exact thing I should be doing. Why am I such an idiot? "I have to go. Just, leave us alone." Without a second glance I leave the bathroom and go in search of Christian.

I spot him across the room and make a beeline for him when someone takes me by the arm and pulls me into another bathroom.

"Hi Elliot. What can I do for you?" I say, knowing by the anger in his eyes that this conversation isn't going to be good, this guy has probably only ever heard of me when I've hurt his brother.

"Why are you here?" He says, frowning. "You ran out on him. I don't get it. All you've done is hurt him and he still keeps going back to you."

"Look, I know you must not have a very high opinion of me but I know what I did was wrong and Christian and I have talked about it and we're officially together now." I try to go past him but he grabs me and lightly pushes me back. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to leave my brother alone." He says in all seriousness.

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. "Listen, I think we both know that I don't deserve Christian, I'm fully aware of it. And I would love for him to find someone worthy of him, but I can't let him go, and I know he wouldn't leave me. I can't live without him, so I'm just going to have to spend the rest of my life proving that I deserve his love. And I will. Because I'm in love with him." It feels euphoric to finally say it out loud, even if it is to his brother that hates me.

I can tell my declaration has surprised him, because for a few seconds he stands there, silently opening and closing his mouth.

"Are we done? Because I'd like to go and talk to my boyfriend now. What is with you insanely rich people wanting to talk in bathrooms anyway? Is it the soap or the faint smell of urine?" I say, walking past him. He takes my arm again, gently this time. I turn and look at him.

"Just please look after him. He's been through a lot."

I nod in understanding. "So have I. We're good for each other."

He smiles at me then let's me go and I walk into the ballroom again. I look for him for a good five minutes before I see him and my heart stops.

Because instead of me being in his arms, it's Elena.

And I break all over again.

 **A/N - Hi guys! Sorry this took so long to get out, I've been super busy. Isn't that always the way? For those of you wonderful people who asked me how my exams went, they were great! I got the results I wanted and I'm really happy, and a happy Sophie = more writing!**

 **Thank you for all the patience you've shown me, and for sticking with this story for as long as you have! I'm very grateful:)**

 **As always, please follow, favourite and review. I love hearing what you think!**

 **Sophie xxx**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Christian POV

I let Ana walk away from me and look back at my mom angrily. "Really? Why did you do that?" I say, running my hand through my hair.

"What? It isn't my fault that you didn't tell her your past Christian, I just assumed." She said, looking hurt.

"I did tell her, it's just," I sigh. "She's run from me before. I just didn't want to hurt her, mom I don't know what to do. She can't run again." I feel myself panic. I've never loved anyone the way I love Ana, I can't lose her again.

"She ran from you? When?" My mom asks, curiosity and concern etched on her face.

Shit, I didn't tell her. The last thing I need is for my parents to dislike Ana because she's hurt me before.

"It was nothing. We both made mistakes. She ran, I didn't chase her. But we're ok now." I reply, taking her hand.

She pulls away, "Christian if she's hurt you are you sure she's the right-"

"-Mom, with all due respect you don't our relationship, you don't know her." I say curtly. Ana is a subject that I can't tolerate being spoken about negatively. Not even by my own mother.

"That's because you don't tell me things anymore Christian." Tears fill her eyes that she quickly wipes away carefully. Well now I feel like shit.

I pull her into my arms and sigh. "I'm sorry mom, it's just that Ana has had a hard life. She hasn't really had a real relationship before and she has a lot of demons. I've only just got her to trust me."

"How has she had a hard life?" My mom questions.

"Her sister was killed in a car accident and she was in the passenger's seat. Up until very recently she hasn't told anyone what fully happened. She's still in a dark place, but I like to think that I provide a little bit of light in her life." I see her face soften and her motherly protectiveness fade.

"I see. Poor girl. Sweetheart, She won't run. It's very obvious that she's in love with you, just go and explain and she'll listen. If she's done it before she'll do it again." My mom says, giving me a comforting hug.

I spend a while looking for her in the different bathrooms, when I get to the last one I go in and see Elena with a tear stained face.

"Elena? Are you ok?" I ask, walking towards her.

"Oh Christian thank god you're here. Ana just threatened me. It was so frightening." She cries.

I frown, "What?"

She comes towards me and holds my arms, "She is crazy Christian! She said she'd kill me if I spoke to you ever again! A-And she pushed me up against a wall!" She pulls me closer and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

I slowly push her off of me and shake my head, "What really happened Elena?"

She looks up at me with wide, innocent eyes, "What do you mean?"

I take a step back, "I've known you for years Elena, I know when you're lying. What actually happened?"

She rolls her eyes and the innocent look is gone from her face. "Fine. But she did threaten me. And she is crazy."

"Why would you try and make me think she's crazy? What's your angle here Elena? To break us up?" I ask, shaking my head.

"She isn't good for you Christian. She isn't even your type! All the tattoos and the piercings, it's like you're having a quarter life crisis being with her. This isn't you!" Her hands wave around and I know this means she's angry.

"Elena. I'm going to say something to you and you are not going to interrupt. Understand?" She nods hesitantly. "Ana is the best thing to happen to me. You and I just weren't meant to be, and you know it. Our life together would have been average at best. Ana lights up my life, and what I felt for you is a hundred times bigger with her. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is." I put my hand on her shoulder and give her a small smile. "I hope you're as happy with John as I am with Ana." I turn and walk out, still searching for her.

"Christian." I turn and see Elena. "I'm sorry." She glances to her right then back to me and wraps her arms around my waist. I hug her back, because I feel like we're saying goodbye for good this time. No more thanksgivings, or Christmases. But as I hold her in my arms it's nothing like when I touch Ana.

Ana POV

Fucking bitch.

I just threatened her and now she's in the arms of my Christian? Not today. She picked the wrong woman to fuck with.

I storm over to where they are but stop when I see Christian pull away, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Well, I don't think I'll be seeing you soon Elena. We had a good relationship, and I'll miss our friendship, but you threatened my relationship with the most important person in my life and I don't think we can recover from it." He says, and she hangs her head.

"But Christian you don't understand. She's crazy-"

"-Say that again and I'll tell John what you did to me the last three years of our relationship. I'm not kidding Elena, leave her alone." He says firmly and she steps back. He knew? All this time he knew and he never confronted her?

I decide enough is enough so I walk over to them with a grin plastered on my face. "Elena, I'd like to dance with my boyfriend now. Buh-bye." I slip in between them and wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him deeply. He walks us backwards and onto the dance floor, where we spend a few minutes dancing to the jazz band.

"You know, seeing you jealous is pretty hot." Christian says with a smirk.

"Listen, I'm still angry at you. How could you not tell me you were engaged? That's a pretty big thing to miss out." I say, disdain in my voice. He sighs and takes my hand, pulling me out into a balcony that overlooks the entire city.

We stand there in silence for what seems like hours until he eventually says, "I used to look out of here and see the lights of the city every night. It seemed like the whole world had figured out how to be happy, but no one was letting me in on the secret. Until you came into my life with your wit and your free spirit, and you showed me." He said, glancing sideways at me with a beautiful grin plastered on his face.

"Showed you what?" I questioned, turning to face him.

He turned and cupped my face in his hands, soft and warm. "How to be happy."

You know when you see a movie and the girls all 'melt' because of this one amazing guy. I always thought it was a cop out I mean, what dignified woman would melt over a man?

Well, I just turned into a human version of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

And then he follows it with a mind blowing kiss that almost makes me forget why I'm mad in the first place.

Oh yeah, that's right. He didn't tell me he was engaged to a bitch that tried to threaten me.

I pull out of his grasp, "Stop trying to change the subject. Tell me the truth. Please Christian." I plead.

He sighs and runs both his hands through his hair. "I've always been honest with you Ana. But I knew this would hurt you so I didn't tell you. And I'm sorry for that. But if you want the full story then here it is. I was head over heels in love with Elena, we were perfect for each other and we would have had a good life together. I did want to marry her and spend my life with her-"

"-you're not really selling yourself Christian." I growl, my fists clenching at the thought of them being together.

"You didn't let me finish." He takes a step towards me and reaches his hands out to touch me slowly, then when he sees I'm not backing away, his soft hands caress both my cheeks. "I'm not going to tell you that I didn't feel any of those things, because I did. I loved Elena. But nowhere near as much as I love you." I look up at his grey eyes and see nothing but sincerity in them. "You awaken a fire in me Ana, and I am completely obsessed with you. When I'm with you, it's like I can't see straight, your touch sends fireworks all around my body." He presses his forehead against mine so that his grey eyes are all I can see. "So you see, there's no reason for you to be jealous of Elena. Because what I felt for her is only a smidgen of what I feel for you. She is a star in the sky, but you're my moon."

"I love you." I blurt out. God, that feels good.

His eyes widen in shock and his mouth drops open. "You, you what?"

"I've been trying to tell you all night. Different things kept getting in the way, then when Elliot cornered me I-"

"-Elliot cornered you? Why?" He says, his brow furrowed.

"He told me to stay away from you." Anger flashed in his eyes and I place my hands either side of his face. "He's just trying to protect you Christian, don't be mad at him." He nods. "I've hurt you a lot Christian, most of the time without meaning to. So I'm making up for it right now. I'm trying to tell you what I couldn't then. The world is new when I'm with you, and I love you. With all my heart."

The most beautiful smile crosses his face and I fall more in love with him than I already was. It's such a strange sensation, loving someone and knowing they love you back. It feels like a million butterflies orbiting your heart, and Christian is the one to calm them down.

He pulls me into his arms and I close my eyes, "I love you too Ana. I always have." He whispers.

We stand holding each other for at least ten minutes before Mia bursts through the balcony doors. "What the hell Mia!" Christian says, startled.

"Ana, it's your sister." She says, not an ounce of joy in her voice like there was when I first met her.

"What happened." I say, knowing in my gut that someone wasn't right.

"Your family they, they got into a car accident on the way here, your sister is in surgery. Everyone else is ok, but she got the full force of the car." She says glumly.

I don't hear anything after the words, "car accident". My legs collapse from underneath me, and the world turns black.

 **A/N: Hi Guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Before you all start virtually shouting at me, NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO DIE. Just thought I'd get that out there.**

 **As always, review, follow and favourite, it's what keeps me going! Thank you again for all your support with this story, I am eternally grateful to all of you.**

 **Sophie xxx**


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